Tears in a sea of sorrow , critic please

[Txus]

I lost everything I had inside
Look at me now
Tears of sorrow
This love remains the same
As a mirror without image
As a broken heart

All I ever want is
Catch my own breath
Don't wanna be a man who cries
Stop now!
Memories, suffering, look at me now
Is this the man you knew?
Certainties break down


This love remains the same
As a mirror without image
These words it cannot change
As a mirror without a name... Break!

Somebody wants to be a fighter
Somebody can cry
I just wanna find myself


...It's you, it's you
Your love can leave me blind, it's so sweet
When it takes me high but I feel guilty now... yeah


This love remains the same
As a mirror without image
These words it cannot change
As a story without a name
But this love divides the same
If you don't wanna leave me alone
This love remains the same
Look at me now it's time to rise up!

[Txus]

Anyone ???

[Sloth]

I lost everything I had inside
Look at me now
Tears of sorrow
This love remains the same
As a mirror without image
As a broken heart doesn't start off very strong.. I've seen every line in this stanza used so many times that no one should be allowed to use them any more.. I don't know if you meant for "now" and "sorrow" to rhyme, but it doesn't.. nothing rhymed and it was cliche.


All I ever want is
Catch my own breath
Don't wanna be a man who cries
Stop now!
Memories, suffering, look at me now
Is this the man you knew?
Certainties break down "All I ever want is TO " Flow isn't very good and repeating "now" doesn't work well. Try to pay more attention to flow and syllable count.


This love remains the same
As a mirror without image
These words it cannot change
As a mirror without a name... Break![/QUOTE] "remains the same" You use that phrase FAR too often


[QUOTE]Somebody wants to be a fighter
Somebody can cry
I just wanna find myself


...It's you, it's you
Your love can leave me blind, it's so sweet
When it takes me high but I feel guilty now... yeah those first pair of lines don't work well together at all.. the second pair is better, but still not very good.


This love remains the same
As a mirror without image
These words it cannot change
As a story without a name
But this love divides the same
If you don't wanna leave me alone
This love remains the same
Look at me now it's time to rise up! poor rhyming, poor repitition, and a poor ending..



Overall-- I hate rating things.. But just write more.. Get away from cliches. It's impossible most of the time, but write from a different angle at least. If you're going to rhyme, write the rhymes so they're not so shallow and based on one or two sounds/syllables/whatever.... And pay attention to flow....
I have no idea what kind of song this is or what kind of music it will be put to, etc.... but by simply reading it, it's a poor read.

[Corupt2057]

"As a mirror without a name... Break!" I think you meant 'story' here instead of mirror
I really liked the line as a mirror without an image and how you kept saying look at me now kinda relates with mirror line
I honestly think you should try to incorporate a line or two where you looking at yourself from the reflection of a broken mirror perhaps just off the top of my head
"the broken mirror shows my life
a reflection of my shattered hopes
look at me now"
hehe I kinda like those lines I might use em in the future ;-)
anyways the line "When it takes me high" I thought was lame
other than that man the first verse (intro) needs to be re-done it's very weak but the rest of it was good you said what you had too and didn't go overboard with too many thoughts, I think you need to add another verse to it though give it some more depth
it's good man I honestly like it aside from those few things, good work

[Permanent Solution]

Basically I didn't see anything brand new or original here. From the title to the ending it was all very cliche. Work on developing your own style.