confident words without a care

[Sloth]

hey everyone.. thought I'd post something.. usual crit for crit idea here


-_-
"A Cotton Wrapped Embrace"

I'd fight with you, if it weren't for this
looks with choice, a poor place, just let it be
stuttered words with fear don't calm a thing
a fumble voice, a broken face, just be with me

confident words without a care
needles, tubes and tanks of air
seem to finally break your immortality


shed the Nile into a cotton wrapped embrace
when actions mean more than noise, especially when
mispoken words are left in silence... in silence
and when all was gone, you'd be there with me
in a world where all I've done, just isn't enough
try at every angle, here now and then
i wish i could pretend, that it made a difference


painful thoughts erupt into euphoric dreams


seperation is never inept
you take your trail... without looking back
just before one last kiss, you're out of sight
I'd never move I'll... stay right here
but the time I'd rather have, isn't mine
so seep away dripping night
with no Good Bye, and ideas never tried

we walk alone, memories are all we have
-_-

thanks for reading

[Geometric Patterns]

How has no one looked at this? You always have interesting ones.


I'd fight with you, if it weren't for this
looks with choice, a poor place, just let it be
stuttered words with fear don't calm a thing
a fumble voice, a broken face, just be with me

In general, this is a stong opening stanza. The second half of the first sentence is a little bit vague, so maybe just look at that. I think the last two lines are great, nice job. Nice satire :-p I hope you were going for a little edge of sarcasm there, because it works well. (just change fumble to fumbled)

confident words without a care
needles, tubes and tanks of air
seem to finally break your immortality

Haha, this is enjoyable. The second line is gold. It negates the 'intellectual' described in the first line. Great.



Ooh, watch out here. This starts of wonderfully, but don't let it slip into that dreaded cliche category. Its drifting that way towards the end, just try to salvage it before it becomes lost. Thats the hard thing, isnt it? But good, it's very good up until line 4 (and when all was gone...)


[i]painful thoughts erupt into euphoric dreams

Oooh, very good. Almost like a slap in the face. Its good, but if you wanted to make it even better replace 'painful thoughts'. Try to get something to go with erupt. Maybe like a dormant mountain, or hill, or really anything that goes with that.


seperation is never inept
you take your trail... without looking back
just before one last kiss, you're out of sight
I'd never move I'll... stay right here
but the time I'd rather have, isn't mine
so seep away dripping night
with no Good Bye, and ideas never tried

Hmm, this took an interesting turn, but that's a good thing. Work with line 4 a little bit, and the second half of the last sentence. They just seem slightly out of place. Good though.

we walk alone, memories are all we have

Great ending idea. Just strengthen it. Have it be once sentence, like 'and we walk alone alongside out memories'. Maybe something a little paradoxical, something to leave the mind working.


Great job :)

[Sloth]

Awesome.. Thanks A LOT man.. that was indeed a helpful crit. This forum needs more of those.. It's funny because all of those parts you said were weak or needed to be adjusted were exactly the parts that I thought needed help too.. Funny isn't the right word to use, but whatever..
I thank you for your crit and ideas of how to make it better... I like the paradoxical ending idea.. I'm going to run with that.. maybe come up with a couple different endings and try them out..
Anyways, thanks Geo Pat (I'm lazy when it comes to typing, mind if I call you that?) I'll be sure to return the favor



Bump..

[AgrimXXXX]

I liked it.

stuttered words with fear don't calm a thing
a fumble voice, a broken face, just be with me
^ ^
I liked the second line of that a lot, and good lead into it with the first.

confident words without a care
needles, tubes and tanks of air
seem to finally break your immortality

Good verse, good flow, good rhyming. Especially liked "needles, tubes and tanks of air".

when actions mean more than noise

Awesome line. I had to stop and admire that little part there for a second or two.

painful thoughts erupt into euphoric dreams

Another great line. I kept thinking "whoa" in my head every 5 or 6 lines. This was one of those 'whoas'. Nice choice of word using 'erupt'.

I'd never move I'll... stay right here
but the time I'd rather have, isn't mine
so seep away dripping night
with no Good Bye, and ideas never tried

we walk alone, memories are all we have

Awesome ending. I loved "so seep away dripping night" and "we walk alone, memories are all we have". Simple and to the point, with good word choice. Nothing fancy, just plain ol' good writing.

I enjoyed this one quite a bit. I'm gonna go look for more of yours on here.

[morrissey]

I remember reading this ages ago and sure enough I commented on an old version. But everything seems to be pretty much the same unless my eyes are failing me. So I won't repeat the same old thing, just say that I loved it then and I love it now, the line "shed the Nile into a cotton wrapped embrace". Holy fantastic.

[Sloth]

Agrim-- Thanks man..
Mozza-- Haha, yeah I remember.. Thanks then, thanks now..


Bump

[white_riot]

confident words without a care
needles, tubes and tanks of air
seem to finally break your immortality

I really liked that part, i liked it all i thought you used some really good words and your first stanza was really good so it made me want to read on. 8/10

[BlacklightGuitarist]

in a world where all I've done, just isn't enough

The whole thing is bloody marvelous, with the exception of "just isn't enough," as above. It didn't fit or seemed too cliche or something. Brilliant work, though, as usual.

[Sloth]

cheers.. thanks guys.

Bump

[Sloth]

uh uh..

a couple more

[Sloth]

bump




last try