infidelity

[TrentStevens]

please crit this. if you crit mine ill do my best to crit yours.
its very simple in form and its meant to be a pretty quick song (tempo and amount of time).


Infidelity

chorus:
On certian times
you'd say a certian phrase
like spiders crawling on my
in a certian way
on a certian day
the knives keep falling through my

verse:
Dont you understand?
I keep falling away from you
the further i get
the less i need to be with you
but im going away
and im on my way
to be the last one with you

(chorus)

verse:
Is it that hard to see?
i keep falling away from you
when we first met
i said i'd never stray from you
but im going away
and if this is the way
its going to be with you

break:
Then im sure as hell not coming back

(chorus)x2

[Rushfan2112]

"but im going away
and im on my way"

these two lines kinda contridict eachother almost, or at least to me...and (unless its because the song ends with the word back) why does the chorus end in my? like i said, unless its suppose to show like back at the end of the song there or soemthing, then its cool. Otherwise I dont understand it.

but all in all, good song, tells a good story...has a good rhyming scheme...
8/10

[UnDeRoAtHfAn777]

chorus
On certian times
you'd say a certian phrase
like spiders crawling on my
in a certian way
on a certian day
the knives keep falling through my
I think you meant to put "me" instead of "my", if you didn't you need to. I would change the first line to "on certain days" of "In certain instances", all in all not a bad chorus, I like the repetition.
verse:
Dont you understand?
I keep falling away from you
the further i get
the less i need to be with you
but im going away
and im on my way
to be the last one with you
I didn't like the rhyming way w/away, but apart from that I like this verse, very emotional.
verse:
Is it that hard to see?
i keep falling away from you
when we first met
i said i'd never stray from you
but im going away
and if this is the way
its going to be with you
Same as previous verse, I like how it opens w/a question
break:
Then im sure as hell not coming back
Pretty good bridge.

Not a bad song, good repetition, good rhetorical questions. A few errors made but easily fixable, a little revising would strengthen the song as a whole.

Can you crit mine? Its called The Disciple.

[onion540]

is this a heavy song ?
i thnk it wud be good as 1

[Havelock]

The rhyming scheme is good, as is the content, but the chorus looks like it's not qite finished, viz:

"like spiders crawling on my"

and

"the knives keep falling through my"

It seems that either a) you meant to use the word "Me" at the ends of these lines as UnDeRoAtHfAn777 says, or you need to add a word to them. Appart form that, it's good.