A Life Blinded By Moonbeams

[theredwonder]

OMGZ I POSTED ANOTHER SONG AND I STILL OWE CRITS!!! sorry :(


It's a walk in the park
Moonbeam reflections from your eyes
Like beacons of hope in the dark

It's a touch cloaked in skin
Cherishing moments intently
To forget i care where you've been

It's a night masked in lust
Making moves to keep you subdued
I'm wary, i do what i must

This is what i've heard
A thousand lies wrapped in charming melody
But when it comes to the beautiful moment
I find it's all been the face of a tragedy

It's a night at the bar
Stroking laps, drunken kisses for two
A few more we don't care who we are

It's a love for a life
So tender you're afraid to feel
So deep it will drown you alive

This is what i've heard
A thousand lies wrapped in charming melody
But when it comes to the beautiful moment
I find love's only the face of a tragedy


I just realised the 'It's a' gets really annoying after the third stanza. Oh well...

[theredwonder]

No crits in 2 days... :upset:

[ObscuredByClouds]

No crits in 2 days... :upset:
WAHT ALIBALA GIRIEDFLKAS FUSEALICIAL LAKA MUEW poop :thumb:

[Spectrum]

I've had a rather crazy week, and I'm pooped. What I read, I like, but I can't give a full crit tonight. I need some quality sleep and time to clear my mind. And I can't hear the words in my head right now, which is a huge problem.

See you tomorrow!

[theredwonder]

I'm sorry i haven't had time to crit recently but could somebody please look at it :weeps:

[IOWNU200]

I'll try and get to this as soon as i finish my stupid geometry project :upset:

[Corupt2057]

this is honestly really good man I'll go further in depth later the only thing I can crit right off the bat is
"It's a night at the bar
Stroking laps, drunken kisses for two
A few more we don't care who we are"
this verse needs work
the chorus is great

[theredwonder]

Thanks anytime would be good.

Any comments...?

[IOWNU200]

It's a walk in the park
Moonbeam reflections from your eyes
Like beacons of hope in the dark

This is pretty good, I can't reallyk find anything to complain about. The first line seems short, but you may want it that way, so there's no problem there. I'm not in love with the word dark, but it does its job, and you were going for the rhyme, i think, anyways.

It's a touch cloaked in skin
Cherishing moments intently
To forget i care where you've been

I don't like the wording of your second line. Especially the word intently, cherishing it intently...eh, it seems like it's out of place. So you meant to cherish the moment...it seems given. Try to play around with that line. The last line was superb though, you worded it nicely, and i've been there a good many times. SO just mess with that second line and this will be good.

It's a night masked in lust
Making moves to keep you subdued
I'm wary, i do what i must

Nah, I wasn't really feeling your content of this stanza, you're structure is fine, I just think you're concept seems a little weaker here. I would keep the first line and re-write the other too...the last line especially seems off. I can't really put my finger on why though

This is what i've heard
A thousand lies wrapped in charming melody
But when it comes to the beautiful moment
I find it's all been the face of a tragedy

I think you may want to add an "a" near the end of the second line, it's easier to follow then. I don't like "beautiful moment" either it doesn't seem to fit the style. It kind of throws me off, try and reword it, I love your last line in this stanza.

It's a night at the bar
Stroking laps, drunken kisses for two
A few more we don't care who we are

Eh, the last line could use some re-wording. I would also maybe add "another" to your first line, give it a little more length. Other than that, this is fine.


It's a love for a life
So tender you're afraid to feel
So deep it will drown you alive

Well, you dropped the rhyme for this stanza, but I don't think you should have, it kind of ruins the structure. To me life and alive don't rhyme if that's what you were going for. I wasn't really feeling your content much here either, I'd suggest trying to approach in a more subtle way, it seems cliche if you don't.

Overall, this song had it's ups and downs for me. A little rewording here and there could do wonders for this song. Good work, and sorry this took me so long to get to.

Take a look at my "YEsterday's Heroes" if you'd like