All I Had - plz crit

[ROM]

All I Had

you teared threw my heart like a bullet in rain
you took all I had and everything I gave
if you knew what you put me through
I could never say I love you exept when it was you

Everything felt so right in the moment that night
I wish it could last a lifetime
but these guys took you away
now I cry for you today

I will love you with every bone in my body
every blood drop in my vains
I will love you till my grave
baby come back to me

people who knew said they know me
told you alot of things
but what they never claimed
was your not suppoed to bring me pain

I love love you with every bone in my body
every blood drop in my vains
I will love you till my grave

every bone in my body
all the blood in my vains
I will love you till my grave

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ahhh crap, I hit the home button and lost all my work.
I'll hit you with what I remember from my in depth crit:

¤You did a good job at bringing the song's message out through the chorus, though the chorus felt very unattached and lacked that passion that would make it really good. As it stands, it just felt cliched.

¤First line: teared should be tore and threw should be through. I really liked the imagery you had, but because water is a liquid, you can't really tear through it. I'd suggest changing it to something like "like a bullet through paper." It would have a much better feel to it, even though that's just a technicality.

¤Your verses don't do a very good job at tieing the song together. They come of as rather boring and just emotional (a lot of the lines don't really even make sense). Never use the phrase "I cried" because, honestly, it just makes you seem like a wimp. Try and use another way to express that emotion.

All and all, really just work on keeping your song original and always think about what you want to the message to be. Thanks for the crit on mine, and keep working at it.

[ROM]

there are two stories in this song one that she left me and the second is that people drove her away from me