Under The Floor, They Wait - crit for crit!

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

If starting more than one thread a day is frowned upon on these forums then I am sincerely sorry but my song Mother, Can You Hear Me? has gone under much massive revisions. The idea that I initially wanted to use didn't work out the way that I had wanted it, so I took the beginning lines and recycled them in this other piece, Under The Floor, They Wait. So leave a link and I shall crit your work in return for you critting mine. Thanks.

Under The Floor, They Wait

One light’s shining from my desk lamp
Up against the wall in my room,
I sit in darkness with some paper
And write all my miseries to you.
I leave you my deepest secrets,
I also leave with you all my trust,
I leave them all beneath the floorboards
In a metal box covered in dust.

Inside, rest my aspirations,
My ideas, my opinions, my frustrations;
Everything I am, I love and hate,
Under the floor, they wait.

I turn and stare at my window,
Where a white rose sits in a jar,
It stands on the sill in the moonlight
Looking up counting all the stars.
I’ve yet finished another missive
And in the box lies one man’s digest.
All the notes will soon be delivered
To the sleepless soul that needs to rest.

Inside, rest my aspirations,
My ideas, my opinion, my frustrations;
Everything I am, I love and hate,
Under the floor, they wait.

Thanks for reading

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crit on my piece

One light’s shining from my desk lamp
Up against the wall in my room,
I sit in darkness with some paper
And write all my miseries to you.
I leave you my deepest secrets,
I also leave with you all my trust,
I leave them all beneath the floorboards
In a metal box covered in dust.

Well i must say this is a really good opening. I like the imagery that you use here. The only thing which i dont like about this is the lines "I also leave with you all my trust" and "in a metal box covered in dust" it seems, you probaly didnt do this purposly, that you used those lines just so you could have a ryme in the verse. I suggest changes those lines to something else.

Inside, rest my aspirations,
My ideas, my opinions, my frustrations;
Everything I am, I love and hate,
Under the floor, they wait

I dont like how you phrase everything here. I cant explain why exactly i dont like the phrasing but it just doesnt seem right about it. I suggest that you change this part to something else or just rephrase it.

I turn and stare at my window,
Where a white rose sits in a jar,
It stands on the sill in the moonlight
Looking up counting all the stars.
I’ve yet finished another missive
And in the box lies one man’s digest.
All the notes will soon be delivered
To the sleepless soul that needs to rest.

I like this verse here. It seems really well written. Sorry but i really cant come up with anything construtive to help this verse here to make it better.

Conclusion
Well i quite liked this piece here. There were only one major thing wrong with this piece and that was the part :

Inside, rest my aspirations,
My ideas, my opinions, my frustrations;
Everything I am, I love and hate,
Under the floor, they wait.

The only other thing that i can really suggest is to add at least another verse to this piece here. Since it just doesnt seem complete right now.

Score 8/10

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

BUMP

Come on, guys, I definately could use a little more input on this.

PS To sparky, thanks for your words, they're greatly appreciated.

[Maroy]

Thats good man i liked it, was a lot better then anything i would be able to ever write if i ever could write a song. I hope u can a good instrumental beat to go along with it, keep up thje good work, I look forward to seeing some more stuff from ya.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Thanks, anyone else?

REMINDER: CRIT FOR CRIT

[chaos_through_order_13]

I leave you my deepest secrets,
I also leave with you all my trust,
I leave them all beneath the floorboards
In a metal box covered in dust.

This part doesn't seem to flow for me, especially the "trust" to "dust" rhyme...
i think it might flow better and be less repetitive if you tried it like this -

"I leave you my deepest secrets,
i leave you all my trust,
It's all there beneath the floorboards,
in a metal box covered in dust."

****, now i wish i'd written that first, i love that verse... oh well
i liked the rest of the song, especially the chorus, seemed kinda spooky :thumb:
overall i'd give it a 9/10