Cheap Pills

[sparkylp2002]

Well i have been writing quite a bit lately, but nothing has really been that good which sucks. Oh well tell me what yhou think of this piece i have write here. Pretty simple and short. I think this is pretty straight forward but if you want me to explain i will. Crit for a crit.

Cheap Pills

Darling, pass another
Glass this way
It’s just a simple obsession
That’s used to
Get through the day

Cheap pills
And hard liquor
Isn’t enough
To get through the night

I think you’ve had too much
It’s no longer
A simple obsession
It has grown
To something more

Cheap pills and hard liquor
Needs to be
Enough to get
Through the day
Since I’m not
The solution

[Guitarpunk82]

Darling, pass another
Glass this way
It’s just a simple obsession
That’s used to
Get through the day

<<"Darling"...maybe it's just me but the first thing I think is that this is gonna be a country song. Not a big fan of country but if that is what style you are going after then cool. I don't know, like I said maybe it's just me. But the intro all and all is good.>>

Cheap pills
And hard liquor
Isn’t enough
To get through the night

<<You went from rhyme to no rhyme...what happened? Keeping it constant in this case seems like it would work better. Sometimes you can get away with rhyming and then not rhyming...but I would try and make it flow a little better .>>

I think you’ve had too much
It’s no longer
A simple obsession
It has grown
To something more
<<Can't quite nail down the rhythm here. Re-work here to make it progress better.>>

Cheap pills and hard liquor
Needs to be
Enough to get
Through the day
Since I’m not
The solution
<<Well, like you said, it's short. Not feeling this whole verse. If you stand back and look at it as a whole (like a story) it makes sense, but if you aproach it like a song it just dosn't seem to gather enough momentum to move on it's own (if any of that makes any sense :confused: )>>

Conclusion: Keep working at it. Keep the intro but go back and tweak the rest. Add some more, make it go somewhere. The idea of your song is very clear, but the song just dons't carrlusy the idea well, ya know? 4/10
Forsake Me (Crit please) (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6998280#post6998280)

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crit, i will try to get to your song tonight.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Yeah, it's a good song only your point need to be explained a little more, it seems to me like there's only a beginning and an end, no middle. Put some more fat on this baby and it should be better, every else loks fine right now. 6/10

Could you send a crit my way?
Under The Floor, They Wait - http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=313033
Thanks!

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks Attaboy, i will crit your piece tonight also hopefully

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Cheap Pills

Darling, pass another
Glass this way
It’s just a simple obsession
That’s used to
Get through the day

(This is an awsome opening verse. I really liked the line, pass another glass this way. Very creative. I dont see much wrong with this verse.)

Cheap pills
And hard liquor
Isn’t enough
To get through the night

(You're going back to the old stuff buddy. :rolleyes: This is an all too common chorus it seems like to me. You may want to reword this or put a little more thought into it. It just seems like it has been done before. Many times.)

I think you’ve had too much
It’s no longer
A simple obsession
It has grown
To something more

(Ok I like what you are trying to say here, but it's just not sounding right. It's just to plain. I think you may want to reword this verse.)

[I]Cheap pills and hard liquor
Needs to be
Enough to get
Through the day
Since I’m not
The solution

(Um... honestly I think that you should find a chrous and put it here or something but scratch this verse. That's just....no. I dont really get what you are trying to say here.)


THIRDEYE'S VERDICT:
Sorry but I honestly dont like this song all that much. It had an ok idea, but this sounds like something we have heard before. Especially it sounds like your old stuff. This is close to being one of your worst pieces. You are a great writer but this seemed like it was done without much thought in it. I loved the first verse. It was genuis, but then it all went downhill from there. The song was also much to short. You may want to put a chrous in there or something to spice it up a bit. It seems much to bland. Sorry bud but I think you may want to try this again. Nice try though, and I know that you can rewrite this and make it better. 5.5/10 :thumb:

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks thirdeye, i havent wrote anything good lately. This really bites.

[ROM]

I dont know what hes got to say but I found it great 8.5/10

this is a good example of an 80's power ballad. if you really try this could do good.