The Tragedy Scene

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
3/10/05

The Tragedy Scene

The passing headlights of a car shed light on the situation,
One that will appear as tomorrow's front page story.
Whatever beauty remained died on the table.
Glazed over with her eyes in the ambulance.
The paramedics were always into the tragedy scene.

Driving on a sidewalk at night can be hazardous,
Especially when she is walking by,
Dressed in Sunday's best.
Make sure you run her over twice next time,
And finish what you started.

It was just a misstep,
But I can see the oil mixed with blood.
A hubcap and her ring melted together.
Love and pain intertwine,
They always win best couple,
I wish they'd give someone else the chance.

I put the flowers on her grave.
They'll become the earth she sleeps beneath.
They'll become those past memories.
They'll become another piece of me.

[maggotfelon]

I'm sorry this will be of no help but I would like to say I enjoyed this thoroughly. Definately expand on this because it's more than worth you're efforts. Personally, this seems, obviously from my p.o.v., like one of you're best. Keep up the good work.

Check out Pages if you get a chance. Even if you just leave a quick comment. I'm sure it's on the front page.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Okay, so here's the deal. This is my "catchup crit" song. So if I owe you a crit, just tell me (you don't even have to crit my song) I'll crit 2 of your newest pieces as an apology for my laziness, and if you just want to crit, I'll crit you back with an indepth that is devoid of insults. Sound good?

[ROM]

Not done, as you can see.


I put the flowers on her grave.
They'll become the earth she sleeps beneath.
They'll become those past memories.
They'll become another piece of me.

Great song but I just have a little question. why so many they'll become?
ever thought of asking a question at the end?

they'll become the earth she sleeps beneath
will it be part of those memories
can it be another piece of me

[IOWNU200]

i'll get to this later tonight, but i do believe you owe me a crit so if you could take a look at "memory kills the atmosphere" it would be apprecioated

[amped]

finally, someone who can show a little talent on this board.

[Opiate_Copulation]

finally, someone who can show a little talent on this board.

My thoughts exactly


You're wording is very nice
I really like the structure you're using

This is proving that beauty
can exist on this forum

People should take a glance at this
and be inspired.

[IOWNU200]

The passing headlights of a car shed light on the situation,
One that will appear as tomorrow's front page story.
Whatever beauty remained died on the table.
Glazed over with her eyes in the ambulance.
The paramedics were always into the tragedy scene.

This was a nice opening verse. The first verse was just brilliant. I'd say the weakest line of this verse though isd the second, I don't know it it's needed. It seems like it could either go completely or try and re-write to put more in there. But in all this verse was excellent.

Driving on a sidewalk at night can be hazardous,
Especially when she is walking by,
Dressed in Sunday's best.
Make sure you run her over twice next time,
And finish what you started.

Eh, this was a bit of a let down. I have a couple problems with this verse. I know I've heard the "sunday's best" in a few songs before, so i'd change that to make it a little more original. The second line seems like it's a little short or something. It doesn't seem to go with the rest of the verse.

It was just a misstep,
But I can see the oil mixed with blood.
A hubcap and her ring melted together.
Love and pain intertwine,
They always win best couple,
I wish they'd give someone else the chance

I love the way you're going with this verse. The first four were most excellent, but I don't really like the last two. You mihgt want to try another approach.

I put the flowers on her grave.
They'll become the earth she sleeps beneath.
They'll become those past memories.
They'll become another piece of me.

This was pretty good. Nothing too brilliant, but deffinately nothing wrong with it.

Overall, I enjoyed this alot. The first verse and the third verse especailly caught my attention. Maybe just something here and there and this is perfect. Good work

Check this out if you can:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=312231

[RollerQueen]

i lkied it it didnt ahve that greta of a flow but it had nice words what does intertwine mean? i lik how the girl died it makes teh song that much mor emotoinal and i like emotional songs. 8/10.

AHEM.

As seems to be the norm for your work, you have a good story being told, though I am reminded of the videos for Thursday's "Understanding in a Car Crash," Brand New's "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows," and Finch's "What It Is To Burn" due to the use of vehicular manslaughter and a female, then of that Nicholas Cage movie where he is a paramedic who sees the dead because of the mention of the paramedic's stance on the situation. Your delivery is where this piece falls short. The "Whatever beauty remained" line is contrived and you owe it to yourself to revise that. Perhaps it's because I've spent the morning reading and my head is a little cloudy, but the second stanza strikes me as odd that it seems to place the female at the lead for the blame, that she's the offender despite her tragic end. The third stanza has potential but what's actually there is a pallor where vibrancy is possible. Please don't let me down, my child. The final stanza is equally trite. I get what you're saying but you can easily say it better. I know you can. I believe in you!

[/emo crying]

This is alright as a draft. You have a good backstory for it and it's not the typical garbage found around here. What you have is a piece of mahogany, mostly barren, but with effort you can carve it into an awexome les paul and rock faces off. My best wishes for you, Oceana.

[Corupt2057]

I'm not going to go in depth but on the 1st stanza the 3rd line I thought was very good but I think the rest of the stanza could be written with a little more cleverness

the 3rd stanza is by far the best up until you get to the last 2 lines then it was a let down..

I'ts good don't get me wrong but I think you can bring out your thoughts a little more by re-wording or implementing some new ideas in place of the stale ones

[DrownedThought]

9/10 It's almost perfect. There were some parts that through me off a little bit but after re-reading the line i got it. I can understand what it's like losing someone to a car accident. I lost my 2 best friends to a drunk driver.

[overdramatic]

i like this. i dunno why. love the story.

[White Riot!]

well put together , great flow except for the ending , very heartfelt 9/10