Forsake Me

[Guitarpunk82]

Ok, been a while sense I have posted song on here (or even written one for that manner). Figured I would try writing again and this time it's more for a Breaking Benjermin/APC/Korn type of band (I know, kinda wierd combo). So rip this one to shreds and if you can be specific in what you liked or didn't like because I plan to break this one down and build back up until it becomes good. Thanks!

Verse 1
----------
You're so far gone
You're so far down
I'm so far up
but never around

Verse 2
----------
Take what you need
Then just leave me
And see what you
only want to see

Pre-Chorus
------------
One more time now
Don't be around
One more time now
Just let me down

Chorus
-----------
For-sake me
For-get me
It's what
you need

For-sake me
I bleed
For-sake me
yeah for-sake
me

Verse 4
-----------
So just use me
Say you need me
Make me be-lieve
I'm the one you need

Verse 5
-----------
So I stand here
Need you so near
One more time now
Just watch me fall down

(Repeat Pre-Chorus & Chorus)
(Solo)
(Chorus)

Leave a link to yours and I will crit it. Thanks!

[Drumr144]

this kinda sounds like a hip-hop sound like a Freestyle. lol but its still good.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I'm going to try not to insult so much as give advice, so forgive me if I seem a little harsh.

Verse 1
----------
You're so far gone
You're so far down
I'm so far up
but never around

--Well you start off the song with what seems to be the state that people are in. This could be good for a bridge of some sort, but opening with it seems sort of silly. Would you start of a news report with "They are okay now," and then continue to tell the story? It throws off the whole start of the song. There should be a buildup of some sorts. An introduction to a situation, setting, event, something that tells you it's the beginning. The lines you've presented are awfully cliched, and rather boring too. Add some imagination and imagery, try and make your opening stand out, it will really catch your listeners better.

Verse 2
----------
Take what you need
Then just leave me
And see what you
only want to see

--Once again you fail to build up, it's just random demonstrative type lines that don't have a relation to eachother. It lack imagery and luster really. Don't be confined to simple ideas, just try and expand on something without skipping around too much.

Pre-Chorus
------------
One more time now
Don't be around
One more time now
Just let me down

Chorus
-----------
For-sake me
For-get me
It's what
you need

For-sake me
I bleed
For-sake me
yeah for-sake
me

Verse 4
-----------
So just use me
Say you need me
Make me be-lieve
I'm the one you need

Verse 5
-----------
So I stand here
Need you so near
One more time now
Just watch me fall down

--I don't really understand your ending, but your song never really comes out to amount to anything. I just skipped the rest because I dont like repeating myself.

Work on your imagery, your song started off with no central theme, just some loosely tied together ideas that never build up into something better. From my standpoint the song just lacked imagination, it didn't even feel like a song. The simplicity you had in it really took away from a meaning or any originality. Work on it for next time.

Leave a link to yours and I will crit it. Thanks!
--You seem to have a good attitude, so consider this a freebie :).

[Daven]

its good...

[Guitarpunk82]

Thanks Perfect, that's the kinda crit I needed. I wrote this in about 5 mins, been so long sense I have written...sigh, oh well, I'll take this one back to the drawing board and see if I can't give it some life. Thanks again :)

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks for the crit on my piece.

Verse 1
----------
You're so far gone
You're so far down
I'm so far up
but never around

Well this flows really well, but however you arent clear of where you are getting at here. A perfect sonnet basicly said anything else i might say about this verse so refer back to his post.

Verse 2
----------
Take what you need
Then just leave me
And see what you
only want to see

You are clearer about your message here. HOwever you arent giving enough detail about it. You need to add some imagery to this piece since from what ive seen so far there really isnt any.

Pre-Chorus
------------
One more time now
Don't be around
One more time now
Just let me down

Once again the words flow very well together, but there isnt anything to the words.

Chorus
-----------
For-sake me
For-get me
It's what
you need

For-sake me
I bleed
For-sake me
yeah for-sake
me

Verse 4
-----------
So just use me
Say you need me
Make me be-lieve
I'm the one you need

Verse 5
-----------
So I stand here
Need you so near
One more time now
Just watch me fall down

I would of gone through and critted every other verse but i would of said the same thing about them as i said in the other verses. You need to add some imagery to this piece here to make it seem more interesting. Since it seems to be quite bland and boring here.

Score 5/10