Sorta Demented Song I Rewrote

[BabyKiller]

This is a total remake of a song I wrote a long time ago. This one, IMO, is FAR better then the original. This one is longer and more thought out and I honestly can say that I have much more talent now then I did when I wrote this the first time. I hope you guys enjoy it. To sum this all up, I'm not demented by far. This was based on a dream that I had a few years back and I still remember it so vividly inside of my head everytime I read this piece. Leave a post and tell me what you think the storyline is. It shouldn't be that hard for most of you people. ;)

Broken

Verse 1:
Your window seal is mighty lonely
When you don't even want to know me.
I see every step you take inside
This barracaded self you hide.
When you don't notice me I cry.
But it's better to just comply
Then to fake these nightly chances...
These unpredicted circumstances...
These privately sweet romances...

Chorus 1:
When everything just falls apart, I do everything to make this part
The first time I make my move, to feel myself close to you.
But I never get the nerve, so I guess this loneliness I deserve.
It'll happen one sweet day and it'll end my hopeless disarray.

Verse 2:
Again I slide to this weary window
Intent on letting your conscience know
That I exist when the lights go out.
To let you know what I'm all about.
I open the glass seal and creep inside.
Camouflaged from your naked eyes.
Your vanity awaits your divine mask...
My heart is set on this admirable task...
This one chance is well unsurpassed...

Chorus 2:
When everything finally fell apart, it was I who broke your fragile heart.
The first time I made this move, I felt myself close to you.
I found the nerve to finally take you, but I really didn't want to make you.
I never meant it to hurt this way, never meant to cause this dismay.

Bridge:
A lesson learned...
Is another page burned...
In this monograph of apologies...
Broken dreams....idolatry
I didn't want it this way...I promise.

(Guitar Solo Here)

(Repeat Chorus 1 & 2)

Ending:
All I really wanted to do
Was to have one single touch.
For all these years I've waited for you
And longed for you so much.

(fade to just guitar)
And as I lay you down to sleep
Your life is now mine to keep.
You were mine for just tonight
But it makes everything else..all...right...
So long...and good night...

Note* If you want to read the original version you can go to my webpage. The exact link to the original version of "Broken" is http://everytimeeyedie.angelcities.com/poems/Broken1.html Enjoy.

[Witty Username]

You window seal is mighty lonely
what? Did you mean "your"? Confusing.

Good but the rhyming killed me. A "Less is more" approach would do you well.

[Guitarpunk82]

Like it, does sorta have an APC feel to me but that is probally because I have been listen to "Passive" non-stop. I don't know what you are going for though. Anyway,

Verse 1:
You window seal is mighty lonely
When you don't even want to know me.
I see every step you take inside
This barracaded self you hide.
<<Awsome start! Especially like the last two lines.>>

When you don't notice me I cry.
But it's better to just comply
Then to fake these nightly chances...
These unpredicted circumstances...
These privately sweet romances...
<<1st line, maybe change to: "You don't notice me when I cry">>

Chorus 1:
When everything just falls apart, I do everything to make this part
The first time I make my move, to feel myself close to you.
But I never get the nerve, so I guess this loneliness I deserve.
It'll happen one sweet day and it'll end my hopeless disarray
<<Great the way it is.>>

Verse 2:
Again I slide to this weary window
Intent on letting your conscience know
That I exist when the lights go out.
To let you know what I'm all about.
I open the glass seal and creep inside.
Camouflaged from your naked eyes.
Your vanity awaits your divine mask...
My heart is set on this admirable task...
This one chance is well unsurpassed...
<<"Your vanity awaits your divine mask"...mmmm...not sure about this line, but go with it if you can't think of anything else.>>

<<Chorus 2 sounds great, the fact that you changed the first line is cool. I know some people don't like that, but I think it is good to have a little change in the chorus on some of your songs.>>

Bridge:
A lesson learned...
Is another page burned...
In this monograph of apologies...
Broken dreams....idolatry
I didn't want it this way...I promise
<<Starts off good, but you kinda drop the ball in the last two lines>>

Ending:
All I really wanted to do
Was to have one single touch.
For all these years I've waited for you
And longed for you so much.

(fade to just guitar)
And as I lay you down to sleep
Your life is now mine to keep.
You were mine for just tonight
But it makes everything else..all...right...
So long...and good night...
<<Ending is cool, the fade to guitar part sounds like something from "Sandman", really cool though.>>

Conclusion>> Awsome song man! Put this to a slow, dark, type sound and you've really got something. Overall one of the better pieces of work on here. Wish I could write this good. Keep up the good work! 9/10

[rt1610]

this is awesommeeee in the top five ive ever read on here really good but i dont really like the bridge or outro but everything else is great!

[Flinflon]

The rhyming was a little too heavy for my personal taste, but I can appreciate the effort and the flow that you used throughout this piece. It is a rather long piece, but I still read through it twice. I'm going to agree with the above post. The last line in the bridge is a let-down for me. The second-last line is fine but the last one is just not quite right in my view. It seems too cliche or juvenile, I don't know, but I know it could be better. Verse 2, last line again, I'm not a big fan. 1st verse is all solid. In fact, the last three lines are the best in the entire poem in my view. Good work, the re-work showed some definite improvement. 8/10 Good work, keep it classy.
Crit mine if you have the time.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=308314

[BabyKiller]

Thanks for the crits, guys. I'm reading your song as of right now Flinflon. I'll leave my crit on it. I haven't seen anyone attempt to guess what this song is about yet, which isn't much of a surprise since it's kind of self-explanitory. Thanks again guys. :)

[xKaedonx]

I like it. I dont even think its that demented. There was this one time I wrote a song about tormenting this girl who hurt me. I had her current bf die and had her friend get hurt, then she woke up in a cold sweat because it was a dream. Heh.

[BabyKiller]

Thanks xKaedonx for your crit. Anyone else wanna attempt to break it down and gimme some pointers? Is it great? Is it horrible? Someone gimme something please! :)