Their Shoulder, Crit please.

[DrownedThought]

This song means alot to me. The main reason is because at school im one of those guys if you ever feel like **** come talk to me and i cna make it all better.The struggle in all of this is other peoples problems become my problem. I listen to them tell me things that happen to them that can be some what of a "Well that sucks" to a horiffic event, for example... One of my friends was raped, she told me what happen and i was haunted by what happend for a while. Everytime i would fall a sleep i would dream of me or her being raped. I was a insomniac for about a week. I couldnt talk to the girl for a long time for i would feel her pain, and it was unbearable. Anyway this is about what it's like always being there for people.
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"Their Shoulder"
People talk to me when they are sad
I have a hard time running these laps
They always tell me they lost their minds
I start to think, where is mine?

Chorus:
It’s hard to give to others that I want back
I give advice and fall in their cracks
Hearing them suffer takes the brain for a trip
And I’m about to lose my grip- on them...


Grab a ticket and wait in line
An expired lease on life, I’m short on time
Tell me a story and I’ll scratch my head
Then I’ll tell you a way so I can sleep in bed

Chorus

I hear problems that I usually shrug off
These problems are masked and told to **** off
Leaving this job and saying to be tough
I can’t leave my friends in this kind of rough

Some people tell me they are sad
I comment they don’t have it all that bad
Then they will get mad-at me...

Chorus
Chorus
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If you crit mine i will crit yours, and maybe rep you if you give me good pointers for the song.

[broken_]

People talk to me when they are sad
I don't like the vocabulary use. sad, for the most part. try this.
They converse to me all of their sorrow

Hearing them suffer takes the brain for a gimp
And I’m about to lose my grip
I don't like the word gimp where it is. You need something solid. And grip works but it needs something stronger in the line before. Try this.
Hearing the suffer fuels insomnias trip

Leaving this job and saying to be tough
I can’t leave my friends in the rough
When I read it, it lacks flow. Theres either two many syllables or not enough in either of the lines. Easy fix.

Leaving this job and saying to be tough
I can't just leave, my friends in the rough

Some people tell me they are sad
I comment they don’t have it all that bad
Then they will get mad

Well this just seems too forced. You could just take it out and it'd be fine but then there is no bridge. So fixing it needs. sad, bad, and mad just arent very strong supportive words to use for ryhming. And in the second line at the start, I, would sound better and make more sense if it was If This could work.

They tell me all the things they go through
and I listen, but who is there for me
I take my time and try and care
but who the fcuk is there for me

My best friend had a problem like this recently. Excpect I'm his only friend who dosn't vent to him. I keep everything inside so he came to me about and stuff and he just broke down. The fact I can relate to what your saying makes up for the lack of imagery. Your telling a story of events but leaving out the imaginitive part that really makes your reader think.

7/10

8/10 If you follow up on my suggestions and ellaborate on them.

This critique took me a good 20 minutes to do so please, I'm not asking you to take as long as I did;critique my latest piece.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=312777

[DrownedThought]

The reason why it has long lines is because i have a certain way of singing it. I cant label how im going to sing it in the song, too hard to explain.

[DrownedThought]

Bump

[DrownedThought]

Bump, made some edits to the song.

[DrownedThought]

Could someone else crit this?

[Corupt2057]

your writing is alot like mine when I started out you try to rhyme every line
and trust me that just doesn't work, it henders the emotion and content of the piece
because your not really saying what you want to say, your molding everything you want to say to fit the next rhyme, it needs work and alot of the lines aren't very good, because like i said your forcing them to the rhyme
"It’s hard to give to others that I want back"
this I thought was your best line in the song, you can just feel from it