A Place For Me

[Coldceller]

this was the first thing i ever wrote. Please critique it.

A Place for Me

Can I see you tonight?
To stop this pain I fight
I need you, I need you all
To catch me when I fall
Losing you will make me die
I don’t want to say goodbye

Inside I feel like crying
But I don’t have any tears
I feel like I’m dying
Every time I leave you
When I feel empty and low
The thought of you raises my soul
I love you more every day
It hurts so bad when you go away

If I look into your eyes
I see a place for me
When I hold you
You set me free
When you look inside, you will see
There is a place, a place for me

I remember the times we shared
But the pain I now bare
I feel like your slipping away
It gets harder each day
With these thoughts in my head
Sometimes I wish I was dead

I can’t see
Anything inside of me
You’ve been pulled away
And left me today
Now I see
There is no place…no place for me

[Witty Username]

But the pain I now bare
*bear

Pretty bad overall, try to stay away from these dreadful forced rhymes. But keep working on it, you'll improve with time. Congrats on a first attempt. :)

[Coldceller]

i wrote it about 5 years ago. I've imporved since then, i hope.

[Corupt2057]

revise it then, with your new found skills ;-)

[amped]

it's not so great, reminds me of how i wrote back 3 years ago when i was a staind obsessed teenager.

[Opiate_Copulation]

You should definately expand your lexicon
And maybe step off the predictable way you rhyme
It's seems more like a bad freestyle
than a well-thought lyric