Fool

[Paranoidd]

Yeah...I don't normally post in here because I don't generally write lyrics, and even if I do, I couldn't care less what people think.

I'm just really bored. Pease bear in mind that songs I do generally don't follow any structure, either. This particular song is for a trip hop kind of track I wrote, slow, electronic breakbeats, heavy bass and lush synth. Sounds kind of like a portishead/DEP hybrid thing. In the context of the song, the lyrics flow. Oh, and it's about somebody I know who is a complete phony and psychological vampire.

Anyway, here goes.


---

Please excuse my eyes
as they wander to the sides
but I can't stand to focus on your pathetic disguise
it's just a reflex thing

I hope it cuts you down to size
because there aint no lies in the sermon that I'm preaching tonight
reality stings

So if you're seeking consolation, look again
cause theres empathy here nor there and now you've done it
you've put yourself beyond repair

And don't forget, I know the score
I've been the right hand man to sinner and I've slept with the whore
but I cleanse myself today

I believed in you, you just believe yourself.

-----

I've thought of adding some more, maybe a chorus, but I kind of like the four verse/closing statement idea. Quick and to the point.

I normally wouldn't post but dope is releasing my inhibitions. I also realized it's very difficult to critique lyrics without hearing the music behinf it, because this song looks like crap on paper.

[Drumr144]

hey this sounds like punk. u should'nt make every line ryme with the next line. like exp
the first like should ryme with the third line and the second with the first line. then u start mixxing it up and doing first,second//third firstt

[mshort813]

hey this sounds like punk.
With statements like that, this is how S&L is percieved.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

hey this sounds like punk. u should'nt make every line ryme with the next line. like exp
the first like should ryme with the third line and the second with the first line. then u start mixxing it up and doing first,second//third firstt

Translation: I have no clue what this will sound like, but if you can manage to change this to appease my nonsensical idea of the perfect song, I will like it more.

[Witty Username]

Hey Rob, I liked it. I didn't know you were into writing lyrics. :)

I can't offer anything constructive. But I enjoyed it, and I would love to hear the song at some point.

[Daven]

its not neccesary to use rhyme so much...

[Paranoidd]

its not neccesary to use rhyme so much...

Was that to me?

I didn't think I went overboard on the rhyming...

[theredwonder]

You only went a little overboard on the first stanza which was ok until the third line.

For me this is your best part -

And don't forget, I know the score
I've been the right hand man to sinner and I've slept with the whore
but I cleanse myself today

I could see it working with a trip hop style. You might need to look over some of it and alter things but overall i think you've done a fairly good job.