Nothing but the Night

[rapidhopeloss]

Alright this is my first post on here and I'd like to get some opinions, this is tentatively going to be the first track on my new demo (my first since my band broke up) and my first truly solo thing, i always write the lyrics but everything is me this time, anyways , any sort of feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Nothing but the Night
At 10 o clock you get out of the car
say you'll hitch a ride and meet me at the bar
by midnight your still not there
i make a mistake and give in to despair
at 1 a.m. my cell phone rings
i pick it up but i don't hear a thing
2 a.m. now it's last call
I wonder why you never showed up at all

now I'm scared and I feel
you don't care, is that real
though I'm drunk, I drive home
if i get there, i'll be alone...
without you

8 a.m. cup of coffee with a chaser of gin
i don't know what happened or where to begin
9 a.m. i call you though it's hard
here comes your machine this is my favorite part
10 a.m. i show up at your house
your room mate tells me you just went out
by noon i'm passed out drunk on the floor
my friends show up so i drink some more

I'm a drunk and I fear
that my luck, has left here
I don't care, where we go
as long as, I don't have to go home...
where it's cold

whiskey and coke was your drink of choice
but that was back when i was your boy
i wonder what it could be right now
or if you've quit drinking any how
but me i like what gets me drunk fast
so by by nights end i'm passed drunk off my ***
i'll be ok honey now don't you fret
every single drink helps me to forget

So you sit there and think
while I sit here and drink
its a shame, i'm a lush
so my lips they hush...
no more words

It's 12:15 on a saturday night
i'm feeling hopeless so I pick a fight
I sit bloodied at a quarter to one
wish I could change things but whats been done is done
1 a.m. I look down to the end of the bar
it's just my luck that thats where you are
1:05 I head out into the rain
I'm screaming out but not only in pain

you're with him, he's the man
left me broken, with his hands
know I won't get my way
no matter, what I say
to you
tonight
too used
too bright
too bruised
to fight
too soon...
tonight

So there it is any feedback would be appreciated thanks - Ray

[I.might.be.retarded]

yeah, i kinda like this. the alcohol theme is kind of over used, but you used it pretty originally from what i know. in the first stanza i didnt like the line about the cell phone, seemed kind of cheesy...i did however like the end of it, that was nice. over all i'd give it a 7.5/10. if you could crit mine too that'd be great, its called 'awkward silence'

[Witty Username]

The aabbcc couplets are killing you. Scrap them, for your song's sake.

too used
too bright
too bruised
to fight
too soon...
tonight
blergh. Terrible.

I like your use of time. You tell a good story. Just kill off the rhymes, stop forcing everything, and you'll have a decent song.

[rapidhopeloss]

The aabbcc couplets are killing you. Scrap them, for your song's sake.


blergh. Terrible.

I like your use of time. You tell a good story. Just kill off the rhymes, stop forcing everything, and you'll have a decent song.


yeah i know that part is kinda horrible but i don't know it's just what came out is all thanks

[I.might.be.retarded]

lets see something you wrote, "witty username" you seem to say nothing but how terrible every one else's work is. at first i thought it was just mine, but this guy has some nice stuff in there, you should point it out, constructive criticism is the way to go. not, "hey, nice try fu(ck)head"

[Witty Username]

I've written tons of songs for these boards.

I'm not going to butter him up, I'm telling him what he needs to fix.

[Coldceller]

I also like your use of a timeline. But your ryhmes are to much like a formula. They the story flow. Then it'll work out real nice.