Real Lovey-Dovey type poem for my girlfriend

[cyanidebreathmint01]

Tell me what you think. I wrote it for our anniversary. Will she like it? Will she hate it? But more importantly, will I get some?

Our Love

A tender kiss, laid sweet upon my cheek,
Such a small sin, so easily concealed,
Our bodies know the solitude we seek.

And of your beauty are no words to speak,
The heavens know not what our love might yield,
But just one kiss, laid sweet upon my cheek.

Beneath the winter's cold pale blush we sleep.
There's comfort from the cold, under the shield
Our love has known; the solitude we seek.

And what of the secrets our love must keep?
That we left alone in forgotten fields,
That one small kiss, laid sweet upon my cheek.

Unknown until we have grown old and weak,
As Death takes us to those same lonely fields,
Remind me of that kiss laid on my cheek;
What our love; the solitude we seek.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

If anything, she'll break up with you, because you are a fag.

[RollerQueen]

She'll probably like it. It's pretty easy for a girl to go crazy over a nice song written about her. Sentimentality and ego make 'em go crazy. As for getting laid, I don't care whether you do or not. As for whether or not it's any good, overly-sentimental pieces usually aren't any good. Ben Gibbard is one of the few guys who can pull it off with at least some consistancy. If I were you, I would have shared it with her and not the people on this forum. You'll probably get flamed or a whole bunch of worthless posts from people who know nothing about writing.

[MechanicalClockworkOrgy]

any song abuot your girlfriend will usually get you laid, but make sure its very pretty, and i mean VERY pretty
but this is all depending on the relationship and age

and i would suggest making it rythm, it might just go well with guitar and it cant work well in lryic only format, but non the less, make it rythm jsut a bit more and id say extend it some more, otherwise i kind of liked it 6/10

[RollerQueen]

^Congratulations on being the first person on my ignore list for not being able to type like a normal human being.

[MechanicalClockworkOrgy]

^Congratulations on being the first person on my ignore list for not being able to type like a normal human being.
....what

[Witty Username]

The heavens know not what out love might yield,
*our

I thought it was great. Good luck. :)

[cyanidebreathmint01]

If anything, she'll break up with you, because you are a fag.

Thank you sooooo much for that totally awesome critique man! I am in awe of your intellect and wit! :thumb:

[maggotfelon]

"I wrote it for our anniversary"
"But more importantly, will I get some?"

It's your anniversary with your girlfriend and you have to sweet talk her into bed. I'm sorry.