Mother, Can You Hear Me? crit for crit

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Personally, I don't think this is my best work and I think that you'll agree after reading this piece. It's not my usual style, I feel that I'm better suited writing songs that tell stories, this is my first (and maybe last) attempt at writing a song that is more emotionally based. Any suggestion and improvement that you might have would be greatly appreciated, leave a link with your crit and I'll crit back as soon as I can. Anyways, here it is at your mercy.

Mother, Can You Hear Me?

One light shines from my desk lamp
Against the wall in my room.
I sit there hunched over some paper
Writing my misery to you.
No one's ever felt this alone,
I want to leave this place
'Cause Dad's not understanding,
I long to feel your sweet embrace.

(chorus)
Mother, can you hear me?
I'm asking you to tell me why
Father doesn't want to
Open up his stubborn mind.

I know pharmacists are paid well,
But that's not what I want to do.
He knows that I enjoy writing.
Why can't he see my point of view?
I don't want to fill out prescriptions
And count pills for my career.
How I wish that he'd leave me be
Or even just disappear.

(chorus)
Mother, can you hear me?
I'm asking you to help me out,
Father needs to see that
He shouldn't try to change my route.

Father, can you hear her?
She's telling you not to be
A bother, understand that
You cannot change the way I see.

Thanks for reading.

[NoLeafClover54]

I know pharmacists are paid well,
But that's not what I want to do.
He knows that I enjoy writing.
Why can't he see my point of view?
I don't want to fill out prescriptions
And count pills for my career.
How I wish that he'd leave me be
Or even just disappear.


Nice I like this part alot id give this a 4/5

[MechanicalClockworkOrgy]

(chorus)
Mother, can you hear me?
I'm asking you to help me out,
Father needs to see that
He shouldn't try to change my route.

Father, can you hear her?
She's telling you not to be
A bother, understand that
You cannot change the way I see.



those two remind me alot of 'mother' by danzig, with 'understand' and 'mother' everywhere its hard to get away from that, but other than that i liked it
7/10 for a rating, thats pretty good

im looking forward to more stuff from you :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Mother by Danzig was on VH1's 100 worst metal songs countdown! YESSSSSSSSS!

[rapidhopeloss]

i really liked this one because i know where you are coming from with it, totally i feel you on this because i've been there too

[Witty Username]

I liked it. I work in a pharmacy so I could connect.

This felt like a suitable mix between a story and emotions, and felt very personal. You're a good writer. Nothing amazing, keep working on it, but I enjoyed your piece.

[TxAxNxD13]

Mother by Danzig was on VH1's 100 worst metal songs countdown! YESSSSSSSSS!

not to spam....but ya...i hate that song...danzig is god though...not the band just glenn...glenn danzig + misfits = jesus
sorry, you can get back to your real crits now...good bye

[Coldceller]

Dude this is good stuff. I like your use of imagary and how you say that fathers act like they don't care.

No one's ever felt this alone,
I want to leave this place
'Cause Dad's not understanding,
I long to feel your sweet embrace

this part is so bad ***. You can feel the despairation. Good work.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Holy cow, I didn't expect that you guys would actually like this piece. I was very hesitant in putting this song on here because I thought that you guys were going to burn it and stuff. Anyways thanks for your crits and I will get back to you on your crits in the near future since I'm in my school library right now and I only wanted to check to see if my song got trashed yet. Thanks again.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Anyone else? Remember, leave a link and I'll crit your work in return.

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I probably owe you a crit.

One light shines from my desk lamp
Against the wall in my room.
I sit there hunched over some paper
Writing my misery to you.
No one's ever felt this alone,
I want to leave this place
'Cause Dad's not understanding,
I long to feel your sweet embrace.

--Well, since a desk lamp traditionally would only have one light, it might be a better choice to say "a light". That to me would make more sense, but I dont know what you were going for when you wrote it, so keep it if it fits the purpose of your song. Once again in the 3rd line, "I sit hunched" could be swapped in for flow. To me putting in "there" just seems sort of redundant, because you already know there is a desk, and to describe it you'd have to be there. The line four lines, to be honest, were cheesy and kind of awful. Just the cliched idea and lines kind of took away from a fairly good opening. Try and stick with what you had in the first four and this would make the opening a whole lot better.

(chorus)
Mother, can you hear me?
I'm asking you to tell me why
Father doesn't want to
Open up his stubborn mind.

--I don't really like this. The whole idea seems sort of dull. You fail to spark the interest of the reader, and you're whole song will suffer. This wasn't bad or anything in idea, but in wording it was just awful. You know what I mean, right?

I know pharmacists are paid well,
But that's not what I want to do.
He knows that I enjoy writing.
Why can't he see my point of view?
I don't want to fill out prescriptions
And count pills for my career.
How I wish that he'd leave me be
Or even just disappear.

--So this has developed into an overbearing father story? That's a topic you dont see much. I like it for that, but your writing just seems to be lacking that touch that would hold my interest. Right now it just seems rather dull, like I said earlier. The abcb rhyme scheme could be the culprit, maybe look into changing that up if you revise it.

(chorus)
Mother, can you hear me?
I'm asking you to help me out,
Father needs to see that
He shouldn't try to change my route.

--If you are going to change words in a chorus, at least keep the syllable count the same. This is strictly for a flow thing, because it's easier to sing it if you have the same number of syllables. They'll fit into the music you made easier. Just a suggestion. Same complaints as the first chorus though.

Father, can you hear her?
She's telling you not to be
A bother, understand that
You cannot change the way I see.

--The ending just seems to end on a dull note, as was the rest of the song. Sorry for being so insulting about it, but it just doesn't wrap up with a great point or anything. Rather lackluster really.

So you opened up well, fell into some cliched lines (you made me think it was about a relationship), and then develop an overbearing father story. Perhaps your mother died, and that's why you are writing letters to her (I was never really sure), but it just slips into sort of a boring pattern. Your rhyme scheme felt sort of predictable and made a good idea fall through. Add something to spice it up, and you could have a real gem :).

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Good, someone who shares my view with this not being my best (if I've had a "best"). To be honest, half-way through the song I lost my train of thought and I should've left the song as it was and continued later but I didn't like the idea of leaving it hanging so I pressed on. And in the end, the results were crap. I agree with the whole writing style being boring so I will definately give this a second look and fix it up. Thanks.

[Daven]

its ok...