Triple Jump Fallout

[sparkylp2002]

Well here is my new piece. I liked the concept behind it, however i am not sure if i executed it very well. So tell whats good whats bad, please be harsh. If anyone wants me to explain it just ask i will .Crit for a crit like always.

Triple Jump Fallout

Five miles down
Ten minutes to go
Flying down the highway
Running towards a new escape
Leaving this place
For another life

Chorus: A triple jump fallout
Towards a new solution
Letting go of
This safety line
For a chance
Bent on failure

Rhyming each word
With itself
Creating up a new faith
Erasing all of the past
For it is against its rule

A new castle
With a new routine
Building up new way
To forget the old

Chorus

A sky dive
With out a parachute
From this skyscraper
Grabbing onto everything
That I can grasp

I will not fall alone

[TxAxNxD13]

i really liked...buit i dont like

"for a chance bent of failure:"
the rest is cool....
but what is the meaning?

[sparkylp2002]

The first verse symbolises someone leaving something(ie. state of mind, home, ect), chorus is just the generalazation of everything, the second and third verse is about that person rebuilding their life or whatever they left behind, and the last verse is about the fallout that the person has when nothing works out. Thats the simple idea behind it, its kinda hard to explain but i hope the gives the jift of it.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Hey,
Well first off I do like the idea. I also understand the idea better because I know you. But I have to say this isnt one of your best songs.

1. Your flow doesnt go so well throughout the whole song. Now I know that you dont believe that you need rhyming, but something to help the flow along is always good.

2. You seem to go off subject with this song. "I will not fall alone" doesnt seem to fit in this song. You should just get rid of it.

3. I know that you like to end with one liners but again this is the kind of song where you may want to just leave with that last verse or leave with restating the chrous.

All in all, this song was ok but not great. I know you are brilliant, but this song could be alot better. With a little work, I know you can accomplish that. 7.1/10 :thumb:

[sparkylp2002]

thanks thirdeye, preciate it.

[IOWNU200]

First off, just looking at the title, it's a really catchy name for a song, lets see how you back it up:

Five miles down
Ten minutes to go
Flying down the highway
Running towards a new escape
Leaving this place
For another life

I liked the first two lines, but the rest of this verse didn't seem to really fit with it that well. It almost seems like you changed the style a litte. I would change lines 3 and 4. The first two and last two should be fine, just re-work the other two lines.

Chorus: A triple jump fallout
Towards a new solution
Letting go of
This safety line
For a chance
Bent on failure

I like this chorus. You know that you're probably going to fail, but it's worth that chance. I like it. Good work with this chorus. I don't really have any suggestions for it.

Rhyming each word
With itself
Creating up a new faith
Erasing all of the past
For it is against its rule

Egh, the first two lines are very ugly. The second one is way too short, and I'm not a big fan of where you were going with it anyways.I'd get rid of this verse except for the third and fourth lines, they were good, but the rest of it...meh

A new castle
With a new routine
Building up new way
To forget the old

this should work out very well. I don't really see any problems with this.

A sky dive
With out a parachute
From this skyscraper
Grabbing onto everything
That I can grasp

This doesn't seem to flow too much. Try and put something in there to help it flow a little better. Your content is pretty good here as well. I'd just try and throw in a rhyme or something.

Overall, this wasn't your best work, but I see hope for it, you've got a nice concept, you just need to re-work some of the stuff and work with the flow a little. Hope this helps, and if you can get to mine sometime, it'd be appreciated

[sparkylp2002]

Thanks IOWNU i will get to your song tonight.