Arcadia

[bigskinny2006]

My latest song, I know its not the best, but it's what I came up with. It has no form and follows no pattern, its not suppose to, thats the way I meant for it to be. Anyways its for a fairly heavy song just to give you an idea. Crit for crit.

Bleach away the human stain
purge your guilty conscience
forked tongues filled with venom
lash my back till darkness flows
vile inconsistant lies reborn
I'm the martyr to be burned

Contradict the paradigm
or live in purgatory
Lucifers saints will show no mercy
captive soul led by mercanaries

Sanguinary activists
rule this demented land
false prophets walk the streets
Hell's guardian oversees
his bloodthirsty needs
my seed will avenge my death

Look into the flame
My heart resists the heat

[shadeddakotabassist]

Bleach away the human stain
purge your guilty conscience
forked tongues filled with venom
lash my back till darkness flows
vile inconsistant lies reborn
I'm the martyr to be burned
I'm reading this book right now called the Oath. This right here gives me the same image I got from the book. People with oozing wounds on their chest that pour out this black slime that comes from a dragon meant to symbolize "sin". I know that doesn't sound too interesting but it's a good thing, really.

Other than that part, I don't much like the song. I know it's not supposed to follow any particular pattern, but I don't know if you just meant that for the rhyming scheme or the syllable count or what. There just seems to be quite a bit that rolls out of place with what comes before it. I'll say 7/10 and give you the benefit of the doubt about the wording.

[espf-250htd06]

think it should be maybe a couple verses longer with the same ending, 2nd verse was the best i really dont know what to say other than that except nice job

[maggotfelon]

"lash my back till darkness flows"
--- Maybe use a metaphor or just a synonym for darkness. I think it may sound better.

Someone said "There just seems to be quite a bit that rolls out of place with what comes before it". I agree, the ideas are all good they just seemed... placed together oddly. I'm sorry, I'm not good at explaining these things. Hope I helped somewhat.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Not too bad. I liked a few lines here and there. I also agree that it doesn't read very smoothly, not to say that it can't still be used fine within the context of a song. It also seems that there are a few loose ideas that don't fit together perfectly just yet. I'm sure a few changes can fix that though. Overall, it just needs a little more work here and there, then it will be good.

[bigskinny2006]

Bump. Thanks for all comments.