Untitled, no beginning, no end, crits appreciated

[splashfreak]

Hey, this is my first song in a while, on a subject very close to me. If you can't figure out the theme I guess that is justified, its an uncommon thing.

Unfortunately I have a bunch of verses, no chorus, no real beginning, no real end, and no title. Any help in any of these areas is appreciated, as well as a good ol' fashioned critique. There is no real order to the verses, they all sound very good on their own as far as I can tell, and they are able to convey the emotion I want, but I really can't come up with a particular order. Anyway, here goes:



The earth shakes and the water breaks
The world seems to contract
The joyous moment anticipated
Comes without an invitation

Sometimes it seems without redeem
That this life is far too short
For he who resides inside herself
She gives it all to give him help

Not just one day, she throws it away
For the chance to see him grow
Weeks spent half alive
Just to see him thrive

Some would say she is wasting away
Maybe they are technically correct
But to see him breath
She will not complain, she will not leave

Perhaps she can succeed and he can be freed
From the torment he endures
Escaping infection, gasping for breathe
He holds onto her, and what she has left

The world so unfair seems without a care
And what can change the scales?
Can a spirit so broken be enough?
In this journey through a metaphorical rough

No day goes by when she doesn't wonder why
And although that seems cliché
Everything ever labeled as such
Started because it was needed so much

Although they are scared, the love that is shared
Gives hope energy
Perhaps it is getting old
But this story must be told

[The_One]

I kind of like the story line that is in this song. Interesting piece of work. Pretty catchy.

8/10

[Witty Username]

Sometimes it seems without redeem
Doesn't work. It's too awkward, and very likely grammatically incorrect. Just go for "redemption", or try something else.

Not just one day, she throws it away
For the chance to see him grow
Weeks spent half alive
Just to see him thrive
Hi, Avril. Crap rhymes. I cringe when I read/hear stuff like this. Try to avoid it at all costs.

Escaping infection, gasping for breathe
*breath

The world so unfair seems without a care
lol. no.

In this journey through a metaphorical rough
I shouldn't, but I liked this line.
Perhaps it is getting old
But this story must be told
Argh. I like the way you end it, I just wish it had been with a different set of words. But I like the idea.

Good piece overall. I just pointed out the shoddy areas.

[splashfreak]

Well like I said that wasn't a real "ending" per se, and actually I thought that was the worst stanza.

And alive/thrive definitely isn't the best rhyme of all time, but is it that much worse than the rest? jsut curious. Im probably taking that one out though. (nice thing about this song is I can just remove/replace stanzas at will)