Memory Kills the Atmosphere

[IOWNU200]

Memory Kills The Atmosphere

As always a crit for a crit, just leave a link.

Verse 1

So you're telling me I've got to pull it all together
But I'll never be able to focus while i'm still here
All these painfully recognizable symbols
push me further into my own mind
And if I ever want to think straight again
I've got to get the hell out of this town

Chorus 1

So would you bring me back
To the place where I lost my father
Would you once more make me
Relive that tragedy
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere

Verse 2

You're heading my way, but I can't look you in the eyes
My one sided affection can't settle for a compliment
And this failed attempt at reconcilliation
pushes me furthur into my own mind
If I ever wish to be productive
I've got to get the hell out of this town

Verse 3

Now we're trying to make up, but I've still got my grudge
And my pride won't let up for this one last chance
The scen reminds me of a more comfortable presence
And If I ever wish to cease my paranoia
I've got to get the hell out of this town

Outro

You turned the lights down on your way out
And the only way for me to ever see again
Is just to finally pack my bags and go

When my heart is empty and not incomplete
I can choose once again what it is to make it whole

[ChickenSalad]

Very deep. Very sad. Your imagery, the house of hurt is very sad, upsetting to read, but the solace you crave seems reachable here, and you strive for it. The song struck me as being an argument, almost like your trying to convince yourself to leave. Like its a personal reflection of your hinderance's and your everpresent desires. You desire closure, solace and liberation, but the "town" that keeps you is sucking you into a sadness that is held within yourself. You know how to escape, but you must muster the courage to do so.

Its a very moving, emotional and heavy piece. It was extremely well written, but then again, all of your stuff is. The imagery is strikingly honest, refreshing almost. Many writers strive to create generic versions of what you have created here, stories of entrapment, but yours is honest, its alive and its an awe inspiring song to be honest. Well done again, you have created a wonderful piece here. 9.5/10

Feel free to crit "My Arachnid Lover" or My Friend" for me? Thanks mate.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=312230

or/and

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=312215

[Daven]

pretty good piece dude, very emotional...

9/10

[sparkylp2002]

Since you always crit my pieces i fell obliged to crit this, i will tomarrow hopfully when im fully awake

[Corupt2057]

me, you and sparky always crit one anothers stuff so ;-) let's do this

So you're telling me I've got to pull it all together
But I'll never be able to think straight here again
All these painfully recognizable symbols
push me further into my own mind
And if I ever want to think straight again
I've got to get the hell out of this town

ok man I'm feeling this because as a song I know this would come across very well when you hear it sung but I do have a little beef with line 3 I think that would be a real mouth full when sung but on papaer it looks good other than that I think you need to incorporate some inner rhyming words into this not to many I'd say 6 words all throughout the verse that internally rhyme with one another making a total of 3 rhymes
if (by chance) you don't know what an internal rhyme is (don't take offense I'm just trying to be helpful) an example would be face;angst they don't make a perfect rhyme but the a sound in them make hence the internal rhyme and it usually comes off sounding very good and natural

Chorus
So would you bring me back
To the place where I lost my father
Would you once more make me
Relive that daunting tragedy
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere

Holy shlt! no bullcrap here man this chorus is bad@ss the 2nd line gave me chills I love the repeating lines only problem is the wording on line 3
trust me you don't need it to rhyme with tragedy this chorus is strong enough

Verse 2
You're heading my way, but I can't look you in the eyes
My one sided affection can't settle for a compliment
And this failed attempt at reconcilliation
pushes me furthur into my own mind
If I ever wish to be productive
I've got to get the hell out of this town

some people may not like it but I love the repeated last line because your bringing every verse back to the main subject good job one thing that isn't working is the 4th line because the 'into my own mind' you already used that phrase in verse 1

Verse 3
Now we're trying to make up, but I've still got my grudge
And my pride won't let up for this one last chance
The scent remind me of a presence, one more comforting
And If I ever wish to cease my paranoia
I've got to get the hell out of this town

line 3 grammar issues
line 4 you've done a real good job keeping this whole peice simply worded and maintaining that very deep emotional mood with it but here in line 4 I think you need to exchance the word 'cease' for soemthing else because it just makes it a little to wordy compared to all of the other lines in the song, doesn't really fit the style

Outro
You turned the lights down on your way out
And the only way for me to ever see again
Is just to finally muster up the courage to leave this house

When my heart is empty and not incomplete
I can choose once again what it is to make it whole

first 2 lines cool idea
the last 2 lines your closing with a good idea here but I think you could either make up some better lines that say the same thing or just figure out a way to re-word them so they will flow together

Overall
needs some internal rhyming if you can do it
I like that it's simply worded tells me your saying exactly what you want to say with out trying to confuse the subject
the chorus is really bad@ss I haven't read a song off this board for a long time that actually gave me a chill that's something to be proud of there lol
anyways I think it just needs a little perking up but you can definitely feel it man and that is just too damn awesome great work

What's he saying?
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=311847

[The_One]

I like it. Nice use of emotions. I just don't like the last line of the chorus. Sounds a bit cliched. Phrase it differently perhaps.

8/10

[Corupt2057]

now the line 'memory kills the atmosphere' is "cliche"
yeah what the **** ever
I think people just like saying the word "cliche"

[IOWNU200]

thanks for all the crits you guys, keep them coming

[sparkylp2002]

Hey thanks for the crit on my piece.

Verse 1

So you're telling me I've got to pull it all together
But I'll never be able to think straight here again
All these painfully recognizable symbols
push me further into my own mind
And if I ever want to think straight again
I've got to get the hell out of this town

I really like the emotion in this verse here. It is a good opening i must say here. My only two gripes were the first and fourth line, i didnt like the way you had those worded, those lines didnt seem to have the same emotion as the rest of the verse.

So would you bring me back
To the place where I lost my father
Would you once more make me
Relive that daunting tragedy
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere

Holy crap, this is really good here. The emotion that you put into this part here is amazing. It was simplistic which i must say worked very well here. I like how you didnt ingulf it with unneeded imagery, you said exactly what you needed to here.

You're heading my way, but I can't look you in the eyes
My one sided affection can't settle for a compliment
And this failed attempt at reconcilliation
pushes me furthur into my own mind
If I ever wish to be productive
I've got to get the hell out of this town

Once again i am just not too fond of the "pushes me furthur into my own mind". But besides that once again this verse is great also.

Now we're trying to make up, but I've still got my grudge
And my pride won't let up for this one last chance
The scent remind me of a presence, one more comforting
And If I ever wish to cease my paranoia
I've got to get the hell out of this town

I am loving the way you portrayed the honesty in this piece. I love this verse here once again, however i just doesnt seem as strong as the other verses you have here. I can think of anything helpful to change in this verse here, sorry.

You turned the lights down on your way out
And the only way for me to ever see again
Is just to finally muster up the courage to leave this house

I think you can word the last line of this part here a little bit better, since in its current state it just doesnt seem right. I think it might be the word "muster" that word bothers me.

When my heart is empty and not incomplete
I can choose once again what it is to make it whole

Good concept here for these two lines, but i would suggest to reword them. Just a minor thing though

Overall
Well i must say this is one of my favorite pieces by you. Just the sheer emotion that you portrayed in this piece here. You could tell it was completly honest the way you wrote it. There were only a few really minor things that i think needed be changed. Holy crap great job here.

Score 9/10

[MechanicalClockworkOrgy]

And if I ever want to think straight again
I've got to get the hell out of this town
i LOVE this part, ive felt the same way many many many many times

So would you bring me back
To the place where I lost my father
Would you once more make me
Relive that daunting tragedy
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere

im diggin this part alot, sometimes its hard to find just the right chorus, and you did it spectactulously
fantastic song, if you ever put it out on mp3 with guitar and ****, let me know:
nothings.shocking@gmail.com

9.5/10

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=312718

[IOWNU200]

thanks for the responses, i'm giving this a bump

[IOWNU200]

another bump

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

So you're telling me I've got to pull it all together
But I'll never be able to think straight here again
All these painfully recognizable symbols
push me further into my own mind
And if I ever want to think straight again
I've got to get the hell out of this town

--My main complaint about this is you're talking to someone who isn't an actual character in the song. It's directed toward someone, which makes it hard for you audience to become attached to the words. They feel like they're on the sidelines. The second half of the second line seems really awkward. "straight here again" has a bad flow to it and really throws off your song. 3rd and 4th lines seem average, you could probably completely remove them, they don't do any justice to your idea.

Chorus 1

So would you bring me back
To the place where I lost my father
Would you once more make me
Relive that daunting tragedy
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere
Tell me how to function here
Memory Kills the atmosphere

--This was good, especially your last 4 lines. Daunting could be taken out, it seems like a poor word choice. Other than that, nice job.

Verse 2

You're heading my way, but I can't look you in the eyes
My one sided affection can't settle for a compliment
And this failed attempt at reconcilliation
pushes me furthur into my own mind
If I ever wish to be productive
I've got to get the hell out of this town

--The first line feels a little lengthy, but otherwise, this was good. Once again your 3rd and 4th lines felt sort of weak in comparison to the rest, but the second line was really good. 5th line though, felt way off, maybe just get rid of it?

Verse 3

Now we're trying to make up, but I've still got my grudge
And my pride won't let up for this one last chance
The scent remind me of a presence, one more comforting
And If I ever wish to cease my paranoia
I've got to get the hell out of this town

--I'm not exactly sure, the whole thing just felt like it could be simplified for easier reading. It's not bad though, just sort of odd.

Outro

You turned the lights down on your way out
And the only way for me to ever see again
Is just to finally muster up the courage to leave this house

When my heart is empty and not incomplete
I can choose once again what it is to make it whole

--The last 2 lines were very good. 3rd line was very lengthy and awkward. Nice wrap up overall.

So you had a lot of weakness in your verses, but a lot of this was really deep in meaning. The awkwardness in flow needs to be corrected. Otherwise not bad at all.

6/10

[IOWNU200]

thanks for the crit...

A little fun fact that's the highest rating i've ever gotten from APS :)

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

We should make an S&L trivia thread :).

[IOWNU200]

:lol: It'd get sticky for sure