ChickenSalad
03-08-2005, 05:56 PM
I have posted this here before but nobody ever gave me a crit for it. Please guys, do a guy a favour, crit this. This is one of my most personal pieces, Id like some opinion on it. Crit for crit again (not that it ever seems to matter!)
“My Friend” by Mark
“Hello old friend” I smiled serenely,
He froze but does so with regularity,
Time and time again he looked the same,
“How are you?” I pleaded,
I hadn’t spoken to him in so long; we never get a chance to reflect
He didn’t answer; he just looked back at me with that stupid smile,
I smile like that!
“Fine I’ll start” I say, and I hesitate,
I know when I speak I’m all he sees, me and that which lays behind me,
He never blinks, well maybe he does, but he must do it,
When I blink,
I never catch him!
I tell him about my day, my week, my month of Sabbath- less Sundays,
He takes it in, such a great listener,
He is quiet though, he knows me too well,
He knows I did not come to speak to him about my day,
He can hear my banal banter and is unimpressed, he frowns,
When I frown, frowns like me too!
“Big boys don’t cry” I murmur, my friend never cries,
I tell him about the guys in school, that Alan was at it again,
Always nay saying, putting me down, down further,
“I don’t like Alan” bellow the silent tears that swell in my eyes,
Like liquid confessions,
My friend looks back at me with a look that I have seen before in photos,
I could swear he was ready to shed a tear for me,
The weight of seclusion lifted, my plight shared and felt,
I smile,
I tell you, he keeps copying me!
He smiles too!
“Cut that out” I laugh,
He mouths some silent comment; he never speaks to me really,
He doesn’t have to, he just listens,
I get up and leave, my soul cleansed of a sour quandary,
I’m happy,
I can reflect now, much like my friend does,
What a great friend the mirror is.
“My Friend” by Mark
“Hello old friend” I smiled serenely,
He froze but does so with regularity,
Time and time again he looked the same,
“How are you?” I pleaded,
I hadn’t spoken to him in so long; we never get a chance to reflect
He didn’t answer; he just looked back at me with that stupid smile,
I smile like that!
“Fine I’ll start” I say, and I hesitate,
I know when I speak I’m all he sees, me and that which lays behind me,
He never blinks, well maybe he does, but he must do it,
When I blink,
I never catch him!
I tell him about my day, my week, my month of Sabbath- less Sundays,
He takes it in, such a great listener,
He is quiet though, he knows me too well,
He knows I did not come to speak to him about my day,
He can hear my banal banter and is unimpressed, he frowns,
When I frown, frowns like me too!
“Big boys don’t cry” I murmur, my friend never cries,
I tell him about the guys in school, that Alan was at it again,
Always nay saying, putting me down, down further,
“I don’t like Alan” bellow the silent tears that swell in my eyes,
Like liquid confessions,
My friend looks back at me with a look that I have seen before in photos,
I could swear he was ready to shed a tear for me,
The weight of seclusion lifted, my plight shared and felt,
I smile,
I tell you, he keeps copying me!
He smiles too!
“Cut that out” I laugh,
He mouths some silent comment; he never speaks to me really,
He doesn’t have to, he just listens,
I get up and leave, my soul cleansed of a sour quandary,
I’m happy,
I can reflect now, much like my friend does,
What a great friend the mirror is.