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View Full Version : Please Crit This: "Undefined"


DokterPeppor
03-08-2005, 06:02 PM
This is a song my bands singer wrote. It is his best work yet in my opinion. I think with the right music put to it, it would be a great song. I would like you guys to tell me what you think of it. Here it is.....This is the almost final words. The words in parenthesis are owrds that may be substituted for the current words.

Undefined

Crystal Clear, undefined
the world can't be seen, in black and white
not for him, he's not like us
each and everyday, a new way of life (he lives in the light)

Understanding his ways could be tried
but his reason's faulty, at least in your mind
give him a shot, just one try
interpret his reason, it might save a few lives

The pieces don't always fit, problems have no answer
life is not a narrow path, it drives him insane
with every new day, every single breath
he staggers and falls, with no remorse or regret

Vivid, untamed, his colors are bright
he sees the same things you do, in different light
the images in his head, hard to accept
his world upside down, but in his mind it's alright

He ponders his life, how he feels inside
he's still an outcast, will be til he dies
never viewed life the way they do, for this he is wrong
can't feel the same way they do, he strives to feel right

Chourus

He hears the lies, the thoughts they accept
just close your eyes, and count to ten
in their world of nothing, he rejects their consent
with his one last waning breath, he cries out for help

vivid, untamed, his colors are bright
he could never see, life through your eyes
his world has fallen apart
he doesn't mind, no he doesn't mind, he lives undefined

DokterPeppor
03-08-2005, 06:40 PM
Come on guys...

DokterPeppor
03-08-2005, 08:34 PM
please

A_Perfect_Sonnet
03-08-2005, 08:56 PM
I have no strong opinion one way or the other.

If I die tonight, tell my wife I said "Hi."

The_One
03-09-2005, 03:18 AM
It's pretty good. Just gets a bit bland here and there. I think you're too verbose in some areas. Not much of a real eye catcher though.

7/10

Witty Username
03-09-2005, 03:31 AM
I liked it. Nothing to pick at, it isn't a particularly strong piece lyrically, but I could follow the story and I read it through. The only thing I can really suggest is to be more descriptive, and steer clear of those terrible rhymes like light/alright.