Hurricane

[DoubtingVada]

Link, I'll crit back

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Weighed down and warm
In baggy clothes
She rests her tangled head
Against the wall

Her favorite movie
Is on again

Her room is hollowed out
And still
She dreams of daytime grays
And blues

And kisses carelessly
The cold glass

Memories and new ideas
Sit on her shoulder
And whisper
About the hurricane

Sock feet and metal bars
She stands

The melting snow
And water on her lips
Carry smells of spring
Like a sodden wooden fence

But the streetlight glowing
In the early dusk
Spells summer

[EmergencyRoom]

Link, I'll crit back

----------------------

Weighed down and warm
In baggy clothes
She rests her tangled head
Against the wall

Her favorite movie
Is on again

Her room is hollowed out
And still
She dreams of daytime grays
And blues

And kisses carelessly
The cold glass

Memories and new ideas
Sit on her shoulder
And whisper
About the hurricane

Sock feet and metal bars
She stands

The melting snow
And water on her lips
Carry smells of spring
Like a sodden wooden fence

But the streetlight glowing
In the early dusk
Spells summer

Is this a poem or a song? if it's a song then it has very unusual structure. Anyway, i found this hard to crit verse by verse so heres an overall. As poetry, i liked it. nothing groundbreaking but nice vivid imagery, good use of vocabulary and a lovely mood of confusion, reflection and contemplation brought on by these techniques. I liked the (possible) double meaning in "tangled Head" near to the start. I also liked the image of ideas sitting on your shoulder and whispering. This is also very effective personification. overall some nice work 8.5 out of ten

if you get a chance could you crit thishttp://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=311300

Thanks

[DoubtingVada]

Is this a poem or a song? if it's a song then it has very unusual structure. Anyway, i found this hard to crit verse by verse so heres an overall. As poetry, i liked it. nothing groundbreaking but nice vivid imagery, good use of vocabulary and a lovely mood of confusion, reflection and contemplation brought on by these techniques. I liked the (possible) double meaning in "tangled Head" near to the start. I also liked the image of ideas sitting on your shoulder and whispering. This is also very effective personification. overall some nice work 8.5 out of ten

if you get a chance could you crit thishttp://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=311300

Thanks
Thanks for the crit
I realize most of my lyrics are like poetry, but I promise you they're lyrics .... or poetry to music. Same difference, right? ;)
I'll crit your song now.

[Daven]

7/10
really good song, but its more like a poem instead of a song or lyric...

[EmergencyRoom]

Thanks for the crit
I realize most of my lyrics are like poetry, but I promise you they're lyrics .... or poetry to music. Same difference, right? ;)
I'll crit your song now.


In that case ill give it 9 out of ten because i write things like this and cant get it to fit music so bloody well done :D

Thanks for the crit, much appreiciated