And Then There Was Dancing

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

"And Then There Was Dancing"

The fissure parted with lava-breath
Transposed to History books, its part of an ongoing heresy
And the world was devoured by the conflagration
That consumed and carried on well past point B

Now music fills the ears of the young
And the rivers cascade liquor over rocks
Each length the strength of a Rhinocerous charge
He arrived with a bang that splintered the docks

The land mines were merely fireworks
Praising with flashes in shades of red
That triggered the immediate gathering of palms
To lay before the feet of the beast

The fissure parted with lava-breath
That sprinkled scars among his people
Gently reminding them with each subtle move
Your weak hearts are nothing to the terror of evil

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Here critty Come here critty

[I.might.be.retarded]

i cant crit this because i cant interpret it, lol, sorry, i'm retarded

[EmergencyRoom]

"And Then There Was Dancing"

The fissure parted with lava-breath
Transposed to History books, its part of an ongoing heresy
And the world was devoured by the conflagration
That consumed and carried on well past point B

Now music fills the ears of the young
And the rivers cascade liquor over rocks
Each length the strength of a Rhinocerous charge
He arrived with a bang that splintered the docks

The land mines were merely fireworks
Praising with flashes in shades of red
That triggered the immediate gathering of palms
To lay before the feet of the beast

The fissure parted with lava-breath
That sprinkled scars among his people
Gently reminding them with each subtle move
Your weak hearts are nothing to the terror of evil

Im taking this as a poem because otherwise its too wordy to be sung and lacks a proper song structure. Nice vocabulary, lovely flow some nice imagery. It moves at a fast pace and reads like a twirling dance, so well done on the title. Im seeing the theme as the coming of personified evil or more subtly as a warning against lack of values in youth as a sinful thing. its got a lovely rythym and you use personification aptly to get your ideas across. I like this as it kind of reminds me of Tam o shanter(robert burns) in the way that it reads and in theme.

Overall 8.5 out of ten.

Could you crit this if you get the chancehttp://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=311300

Thanks

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Thx.

Is that all?

[ChickenSalad]

Very abstract. I like it because it makes no sense to me, it merely wraps my mind in imagery, its very stimulating. Very interesting as the imagery is incredibly vivid. You should be happy with this, its odd, but whats odd is beautiful. 8/10

Feel free to crit "My Friend" and "My Arachnid Lover" for me!!

[durkinmj27]

well it sounds to me like you're trying to hard to be evil or something. I don't see how this could make a good song, its too short, no chorus, and doesn't make sense. If thats what you were shootin for you nailed it. the line about the rhino chage was just horrible. I would completly take that out and find something else. overall 4/10

[Dingbats]

its too short, no chorus
Well, just because MOST songs are longer and have a chorus doesn't mean every song HAS to be like that.

[nightshade2600]

The fissure parted with lava-breath
Transposed to History books, its part of an ongoing heresy
And the world was devoured by the conflagration
That consumed and carried on well past point B
good rhythm and flow here... nothing to change, good word choices...


Now music fills the ears of the young
And the rivers cascade liquor over rocks
Each length the strength of a Rhinocerous charge
He arrived with a bang that splintered the docks
i dont really like the third line, but it makes sense so... just leave it. maybe its because ive never seen a rhino fu.ck somebody up... it might have more of a dramatic image...


The land mines were merely fireworks
Praising with flashes in shades of red
That triggered the immediate gathering of palms
To lay before the feet of the beast
i liked this stanza the best, especially the part about the landmines... good stuff.


The fissure parted with lava-breath
That sprinkled scars among his people
Gently reminding them with each subtle move
Your weak hearts are nothing to the terror of evil
this sums everything up nicely, i had to skip down to here before i understood what you were getting at... i know, im retarded. but yeah.

overall: good song, the writing's way out of my league so i have nothing to really crit. sorry i couldnt crit you harder! 8/10

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

well it sounds to me like you're trying to hard to be evil or something. I don't see how this could make a good song, its too short, no chorus, and doesn't make sense. If thats what you were shootin for you nailed it. the line about the rhino chage was just horrible. I would completly take that out and find something else. overall 4/10


It's not a song promoting evil in any form. If you can't even realize this, then how can I possibly take anything you've said seriously. It may not make sense to you, which doesn't bother me, but I'm sure there are some intelligent people out there who can. I know you're just bitter because I gave you a harsh crit which you fully deserved, but there's no reason to go off the deep end simply for that reason.

[bigskinny2006]

That first line reminded me of the fall of the house of usher. I see my self as being intelligent, but I think I deserve an explination as to what this song is about. As of now what I take from it is This is one big forewarning that no one will heed. Reason being because its happened before, but its just that, history, and its forgotten about. I also think this because, you start and finish the song with the whole fissure thing, like history repeating its self. Anyways thats my take on the song. Nice job if thats how it works. If you would crit my song its called Arcadia thanks ahead of time.

[Rushfan2112]

"And Then There Was Dancing"

The fissure parted with lava-breath
Transposed to History books, its part of an ongoing heresy
And the world was devoured by the conflagration
That consumed and carried on well past point B

Now music fills the ears of the young
And the rivers cascade liquor over rocks
Each length the strength of a Rhinocerous charge
He arrived with a bang that splintered the docks

The land mines were merely fireworks
Praising with flashes in shades of red
That triggered the immediate gathering of palms
To lay before the feet of the beast

The fissure parted with lava-breath
That sprinkled scars among his people
Gently reminding them with each subtle move
Your weak hearts are nothing to the terror of evil

WEll, I thought I got it untill the last line...Im figured it was about some imaginary battle between good and evil....but in the end it looked like evil won...

I know, I'm way off with this probably, but hey, I tried!

also, the rhyming doesn't quite work for me i the third stanza/paragraph/chunk of writing (heh, one of those should mean what im tlaking about) Im not to wild about feet rhyming with beast in the same line...and no rhyme from the second to fourth line there.

although, for imagery, i give it a 7/10

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

That first line reminded me of the fall of the house of usher. I see my self as being intelligent, but I think I deserve an explination as to what this song is about. As of now what I take from it is This is one big forewarning that no one will heed. Reason being because its happened before, but its just that, history, and its forgotten about. I also think this because, you start and finish the song with the whole fissure thing, like history repeating its self. Anyways thats my take on the song. Nice job if thats how it works. If you would crit my song its called Arcadia thanks ahead of time.

That's a pretty good guess. Ok, I'll expalin this.

This song is one section of a concept album that I am working on. This whole song is read/singing over music. The concept of the album is an extended metaphor of the history of rock and roll. The natives on an island are Americans, and every song will go thru the history of rock music. The beast signifies the rock n roll movement that took over the youth of America. Other portions of the album will mention how rock was started from slave song roots, then to blues and all other sorts of areas eventually ending up in modern day music. Hopefully this helps clear some of it up a bit. Thx for taking a look.