Lonely Loser

[rt1610]

Hey I just started writing this but i think it has some potential.. please crit and ill crit yours thanks

It’s about that time again
For you to tear my heart out
You’ve never been so kind before
While I’m left crying on my bedroom floor
Cursing my heart for its choices
Fate had it in for me from the beginning

Don’t look back
You’ll regret the choice that you just made
Take me back
I hope you believe that I can change
I’m a wreck
I need you here or I’m not sane
Don’t look back
I’m just a loser who has lost his way

[EmergencyRoom]

It’s about that time again
For you to tear my heart out
You’ve never been so kind before
While I’m left crying on my bedroom floor
Cursing my heart for its choices
Fate had it in for me from the beginning

* The start doesnt grab me and i dont understand the " youve never benn this kind before" bit. The 4th line is a good image of helplessness but i dont think you need that third line to ryhme unless the rest of the song follows this scheme and if thats the case then revise the third line .

Don’t look back
You’ll regret the choice that you just made
Take me back
I hope you believe that I can change
I’m a wreck
I need you here or I’m not sane
Don’t look back
I’m just a loser who has lost his way

*this is a bit better structured but the "dont look back" and
"take me back" are contradictory and dont make sense. also this would make a good chorus if you had some strong ryhmes and theres potential for that here.



I'm not gona give it an overall and a point by point mark out of ten but if you just work on the rest of it the way you normally would then use what ive said to improve it then it could be pretty good.

could you crit minehttp://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=311300 please

thanks

[durkinmj27]

I think this has a lot of potential. I agree with the last post in that you should use the second part as a chorus, but I would definetly use more repitition,

don't look back
you'll regret the choice you made
don't look back
you know I can change
don't look back
I need you here or I'm not sane
don't look back
don't look back.


i dunno that might sound good once you put it to music. It's your song I'm sure you'll find what works for you.

please crit my work http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=311440 :D

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I'm sorry your boyfriend broke up with you.

[rt1610]

dude your a fag you dont even write songs you write gay poems about how u want to die so just kill yourself

[Flinflon]

Very emo. This is not my style, but I'm trying to broaden my horizons to the different types of lyrics. This does have potential as you said. The line "you've never been so kind before" is a little confusing, because I thought this was about negative treatment. The second stanza is much more solid, it has a good structure with rhyme scheme and syllable use. Keep working on this one. Crit my piece please.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=308314

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

dude your a fag you dont even write songs you write gay poems about how u want to die so just kill yourself

Actually the last song I wrote (and yes they are songs because I put music to them) had to do with taking advantage of a girl who is lonely and then leaving before she could wake up. I'd be happy to do the same for your exgirlfriend.

[rt1610]

o so your a pervert?

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Actually, at parties, people do that all the time. Maybe you're just a prude and that's why she broke up with you.

[rt1610]

to write a break up song you didnt have to actually break up its just a topic you can write off of songs dont have to mean anything to you just the people that listen and if you go around taking advantage of passed out drunk girls id call that rape.. but thats just me

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Yet you ironically assume I do it, when just a few sentances before that you say that to write a break up song you don't actually have to break up with someone. You are the definition of an idiot.

the sentances that look like this dont help you much either you know they just make you look dumber :thumb:

[rt1610]

you obviously think you know what your talking about with lyrics so what background in music do you have a music degree? are you in a famous band? are you in any band? or do you just sit at home at your computer and try to make yourself feel better by trying to make everyone else feel like crap if you had something constructive to say that would be nice but just saying that this sucks or its crap is just gay this forum is to help songwriters not destroy their selfesteem

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

You win the "Taking The Internet Too Seriously" Award!
CONGRATULATIONS!

Haha, to say I don't know what I'm talking about with lyrics is like telling an artist he doesn't know what a paintbrush is. Please, instead of arguing with me, why don't you go out and learn how to construct proper sentances. English classes are a start, but I'll help you a out right now. Most sentances start with a capital letter and end with a period. You'll get the hang of it eventually! I know you can!

[rt1610]

and you tell me im takin the internet too seriously im sorry i dont have enough time to sit down and write out perfect sentences with capital letters and periods. just more proof you have no life. and what makes you an artist with a paintbrush up his ***

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

You also win the award for "Most Likely To Think He Is A Badass And Get Beaten Up For It"! Also, your insults don't seem to be working. It's probably because, unlike you, I'm not a 12 year old with Down's Syndrome. It barely takes any extra effort to make yourself look smarter by typing in complete sentances, so if you think proper grammar means you have no life, trying getting into college with that attitude. Of course, with people like you, it's hard to get through the point that you suck at life and can't attempt to win arguements without having to throw a punch. But of course, I'll just give up if you let your sister/girlfriend suck my dick. Keep in mind it's a one time offer, so if you respond with some dumb sentance like "omg ur a fag!!11" I'll have to retract it and just make fun of you some more. Your choice.