What's he saying..?

[Corupt2057]

Revised 3-11-05

In the dark room of a blaring stereo,
a boy hides behind a painted face.
blowing the speakers that shake the walls,
with the emotions of teen angst.

Parent's pounding at the door,
they're never able to talk about a thing.
His mother's always busy at work,
and his father drives him insane.

They try and ask themselves,
between the choas of the day.
What's the matter with our son,
what's he trying to say.

(Chorus)
You don't know how to listen,
Don't just wait to talk.
Let me make my own decision,
I can't hide what I'm able to share.
I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.

These four walls are closing in
more and more every day.
and the sound only seems to grow,
when the pain won't stop to go away.

The things that he keeps bottled up inside,
are enough to bring the rest of us down.
The weight of his world on his mind,
becomes too much when theres no sound.

(Chorus)
You don't know how to listen,
Don't just wait to talk.
Let me make my own decision,
I can't hide what I'm able to share.
I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.

(Bridge)
How can he speak to them.
When the hollarin' drowns out,
what he can't rise above,
what one voice can't shout.
Listen to what he's playing,
the music tells the story,
this is what he's saying.

(Chorus)
You don't know how to listen,
Don't just wait to talk.
Let me make my own decision,
I can't hide what I'm able to share.
I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.

Thank You,
I'm glad we had this conversation.



anyways I was just inspired of the subject of "leik omg teh goth kids" that got started in maggotfelon's Soul of a Vampyre thread
anyways crit and you know I'll get back to yours

[TheBlackAcidChildren]

In the dark room of a blaring stereo,
a boy hides behind a painted face.
blowing the speakers that shake the walls,
with the emotions of teen angst.

It starts well. I like the way you're not showing it from the angsty teenager's angle, looking at it from the outside as a 3rd-person observer is something that doesn't happen enough these days.

Parent's pounding at the door,
they're never able to talk about a thing.
His mother's always busy with work,
and his father tries to do everything.

Now you seem to be trying to introduce a rhyming scheme that wasn't there in the first verse/stanza. Decide if you're going to rhyme or not and stick to it! And you're rhyming the same word twice here - "Thing" and "everything". Consider revising that.

They try and ask themselves,
between the chaos of the day.
What's the matter with our son,
what's he trying to say.
Again the rhyming scheme continues. By now it seems deliberate, so try revising the first verse/stanza so it rhymes, or maybe fix this one a bit. This verse seemed a little weak, "between the chaos of the day" doesn't seem to make enough sense.

(Pre-Chorus)
You dont have to scream,
I can hear you.
Why don't you just shut up,
or should I turn this up for you.

(Chorus)
You don't know how to listen,
Don't just wait to talk.
Let me make my own decision,
I can't hide what you let me share.
I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.

I like the change of position here - you're now saying it from the viewpoint of the teenager. It works well. Also the lyrics make sense and when there is rhyme it adds to the song.

These four walls are closing in
more and more every day.
and the sound only seems to grow,
when the pain won't stop to go away.

We're all guilty of using the "day/away" rhyme, but consider revising it cause it's cliché and a little weak. Also "when the pain won't stop to go away" doesn't make much sense. It seems like you're just adding more words so it'll scan properly.

The things that he keeps bottled up inside,
are enough to bring the rest of us down.
Its got to be too much to keep bundled up,
In the heart of a face that looks like a clown.

I like this. The whole idea that the kid is wearing face paint and stuff really adds to the imagery of it, makes it more realistic, brings it to life a bit more.

(Chorus)
You don't know how to listen,
Don't just wait to talk.
Let me make my own decision,
I can't hide what you let me share.
I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.

(Bridge)
How can he speak to them.
When the hollarin' drowns out,
what one voice can't shout.
Listen to what he's playing,
the music tells the story,
this is what he's saying.

The rhyme scheme is a little strange here, but that might be part of the song I guess. However the theme is, by this time, starting to become repetitive. Try exploring some other aspect of this kid's life instead of repeating how 'he won't talk to his parents but needs to talk to them'.

(Chorus)
You don't know how to listen,
Don't just wait to talk.
Let me make my own decision,
I can't hide what you let me share.
I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.

I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.
I just need someone to talk too,
I need you to care.

It ends a little weak if you repeat "I need you to care" twice in this last bit. Try changing the first one so it sounds more spontaneous.



Over-repetition of the ideas seems to be the main problem here. But I like it, it flows nicely when it's not trying to add more words so it scans. Well done.

[aperfectool]

(Pre-Chorus)
You dont have to scream,
I can hear you.
Why don't you just shut up,
or should I turn this up for you.


i like this although line 4 seems like a rip off of staind

The things that he keeps bottled up inside,
are enough to bring the rest of us down.
Its got to be too much to keep bundled up,
In the heart of a face that looks like a clown

line 4 seems a bit forced in this one
other than that i think its a good song

[My_recovery_injection]

Wow... I like it :) Go you.

'You don't know how to listen,
Don't just wait to talk.
Let me make my own decision,
I can't hide what you let me share.
I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.'
I likes that bit the most :)

[IOWNU200]

In the dark room of a blaring stereo,
a boy hides behind a painted face.
blowing the speakers that shake the walls,
with the emotions of teen angst.

Well, this is okay, but I have a couple gripes, one would be the first line. A blaring stereo's room? I'd re-word it to something like "In the dark room with a blaring stereo"
My other is that it seems to be a little off flow wise. The second line's length makes me stutter a little when "I read the fourth, so maybe try and do something with that.

Parent's pounding at the door,
they're never able to talk about a thing.
His mother's always busy with work,
and his father tries to do everything.

I don't like the double thing rhyme. I'd change the second line, maybe make it more descriptive/informative. I like the idea you have in this stanza, but I think re-writing it would prove it more effective. It seems too simple and bland here.

They try and ask themselves,
between the choas of the day.
What's the matter with our son,
what's he trying to say.

Nothing wrong with this here, nice short, sweet, and to the point

(Pre-Chorus)
You dont have to scream,
I can hear you.
Why don't you just shut up,
or should I turn this up for you.

Egh, too teenage anger for me. Shut up don't scream at me, eh, i would try a different approach to this.

These four walls are closing in
more and more every day.
and the sound only seems to grow,
when the pain won't stop to go away.

Very nice, except the last line could be re-worded, I love it, it just seems the middle of it needs a change in words.

The things that he keeps bottled up inside,
are enough to bring the rest of us down.
Its got to be too much to keep bundled up,
In the heart of a face that looks like a clown.

Eh, I don't like this stanza mostly because of the last line. I don't like referencing a clown, it makes it seem, less serious if you know what I mean.
Anyways, I'd try and re-work this stanza a little.

(Bridge)
How can he speak to them.
When the hollarin' drowns out,
what one voice can't shout.
Listen to what he's playing,
the music tells the story,
this is what he's saying.

There's nothing horribly wrong with this, but nothing too great either.

(Chorus)
You don't know how to listen,
Don't just wait to talk.
Let me make my own decision,
I can't hide what you let me share.
I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.

This is good, except the fourth line doesn't do much for me, you may want to re-work that one

I'm begging for help,
I need you to care.
I just need someone to talk too,
I need you to care.

Eh, lame. Very overused if you ask me, you're deffinately going to have to re-think your ending here. Maybe end it witha big fight or something, I don't know.

Overall, this wasn't your best work. The whole thing seemed lacking of luster. Go back in and try and jazz it up a little. YOu can make this much better

[IOWNU200]

bumped, for the finish

[Corupt2057]

alright I gotcha I'll put this one back on the notepad by the way

(Pre-Chorus)
You dont have to scream,
I can hear you.
Why don't you just shut up,
or should I turn this up for you.

Egh, too teenage anger for me. Shut up don't scream at me, eh, i would try a different approach to this.

it's from the teenagers point of view, that's why the mood suddenly changed, but I will re-think this 5th stanza yeah the clown reference was lame, lol I just rushed it to get this piece done, I couldn't relate to the subject matter, but I was inspired by it and had a couple lines bouncing around my head, I just built this off of

anyways I'm sure I'll be posting a revision within a couple days or a week kinda working on something else ;-)

[Coldceller]

It sounds like you have some Staind influences. I like it, reminds me of how parents can't relate to their children. It seems to flow alright, everything but the last bit. But it does work for a closer. I didn't like 5th stanza much, you should reword that in some way. Don't use the word clown, clowns are scary and want to eat people. Other than that it's good.

[Corupt2057]

bump

[Corupt2057]

revised 3-11-05

[DrownedThought]

Amazing. 9.5/10. The song is very well done and has a great flow too it. Also perfectly describes what a teenager's relationship with his/her parents at the age. Good stuff.

[GreenDayFrk88]

once again another really good song.. I like the way you write and how you expose the feelings in the piece to everyone great job 9/10