Blue and Black

[nightshade2600]

Blue and black
The primary colors
Of my pain wracked existence
Glass and tacks
Under my nails
Claw my way up from this

Blood dripping off my fingertips
Lick the wounds and tear my heart out
My head falls back as my flesh rips
This pleasure is what brings me down

Empty me
Over the goblet
And drink into you my pain
Feel it burn
Into your stomach
Cut my throat again

Blood dripping off my fingertips
Lick the wounds and tear my heart out
My head falls back as my flesh rips
This pleasure is what brings me down

Strip me down
Hang me up
Bleed me dry



kind of a twisted song... crits would be appreciated

[wrongnote85]

the first stanza seemed to be about entrapment and one's inability to chane the cricumstances around them, but after that the mood seemed to change. I don't know if that is what you where going for with that or not, but that is what I got. The rest fit very well with itself. You could either change the lyrics to fit with all of it, or you could get two totally different songs out of this, which I always appreicate. Did I get it or am I totally off?

Please crit my "it's not done, but tell me what you think..."

[hypocracy hater]

*Yawn*, Sorry but it's too unorgininal for my liking.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I agree with you, it is twisted - very twisted. It's very well written and all, just the subject is way too dark for my liking, but I will give you a 7/10 for your skills.

PS Could you crit my song, Father Monty, I'd greatly appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=306082

Thanks!

[nightshade2600]

the first stanza seemed to be about entrapment and one's inability to chane the cricumstances around them, but after that the mood seemed to change. I don't know if that is what you where going for with that or not, but that is what I got. The rest fit very well with itself. You could either change the lyrics to fit with all of it, or you could get two totally different songs out of this, which I always appreicate. Did I get it or am I totally off?

Please crit my "it's not done, but tell me what you think..."



yeah, i already critted yours... the whole song is about torture giving me pleasure (well, not me necessarily but the guy in the song) and the black and blue are bruises... yeah, hope that clears it up for you...

[anarchist punk]

it was quite well, in the sense of me likeing the whole death and dismay kind of poems and songs i give it an 8/10

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Hey, yeah this was just a little twisted. What was this song about really. For some reason I didnt get the theme behind it, but I still found the wordplay very emotional and strong. The flow also went well so that's a good thing. I'm sorry, I'm not sure on what to exactly say about this piece. It was intrusting and definately original. So for that you get a 7.5/10. Keep it up, but next time, you may want to tone it down. :thumb:

Can you please crit my piece "What all things become." Thank you.

[Drumr144]

nice song i enjoyed reading it 9/10

[maggotfelon]

"Blue and black
The primary colors
Of my pain wracked existence"
-- I didn't care for these lines personally. I'm not really sure why honestly, they just didn't sound good to me.

"Glass and tacks
Under my nails
Claw my way up from this"
--- This part was nice.

"Blood dripping off my fingertips
Lick the wounds and tear my heart out
My head falls back as my flesh rips
This pleasure is what brings me down"
--- I think you should reword the first line, make it slightly less out right. Maybe turn it into a metaphor for blood dripping from fingertips. Line 2 is alright. I didn't like the flesh rips part of line 3.

"Empty me
Over the goblet
And drink into you my pain
Feel it burn
Into your stomach
Cut my throat again"
--- I think you should use "into the goblet". Line 3 could be better worded, like for example "and ingest my misery" ... "into you my pain" just sounds horribly odd. The last line doesn't seem to catch me as fitting in that spot.

Well it seems like you could maybe make some of the ideas a little less straight forward and it would help a little. Couple minor wording changes, overall it's pretty good/

[nightshade2600]

thanks for the crit, ill probably change a few of those things... esp. the last verse...

[maggotfelon]

Glad that I could be of help.