What do you think?

[dadistance]

hey what's up, this is a text I wrote the other day, it's not quite done yet...check it out!



Caught of absence


Going on
with a lack of energy
looking back
to a past that you can’t see

Feelings gone
Voices in the dark
No someone
Passing by and they start to bark

Fade away
To the unseen neverland
Just can’t stay
Still looking for a friend

Loneliness is getting worse
Can’t escape this one big curse
Feeling empty fills the day
Only chance to fade away




yeah that's it...what do you think about it?? tell me if there are any grammar mistakes and any phrases which cannot be said like this..if you know what I mean...!




_________________________
Close, but no cigar!

[wrongnote85]

Very good. Universal. I can picture these lyrics in practiacally any genre. 9.5/10

Please crit my "this isn't done, but tell me what you think..."

[dadistance]

thx a lot, anyone else?

[ABulldog]

hey what's up, this is a text I wrote the other day, it's not quite done yet...check it out!



Caught of absence


Going on
with a lack of energy
looking back
to a past that you can’t see

To generic here. And there isn't a good flow from line to line. There isn't really anything that comes out and tells me what this song is about.

Feelings gone
Voices in the dark
No someone
Passing by and they start to bark

Horrible rhyme with dark/bark. You didn't rhyme in the first verse, so why here? You still didn't offer anything to the reader. It is just very boring cause no one knows whats going on; except that someone is confused.

Fade away
To the unseen neverland
Just can’t stay
Still looking for a friend

The last line doesn't seem to fit at all. The first three seem ok but need expansion.

Loneliness is getting worse
Can’t escape this one big curse
Feeling empty fills the day
Only chance to fade away

The flow just changed right here. You also changed your rhyme scale.




yeah that's it...what do you think about it?? tell me if there are any grammar mistakes and any phrases which cannot be said like this..if you know what I mean...!




_________________________
Close, but no cigar!
I didn't like it. It was a cliche topic that no one wants to hear about anymore. It's good that you write to get your feelings out, but now try to take your ideas and expand on them. Think of something creative and put in some imagery.

The first guy gave you a 9.5/10, so I will give you a 0.5/10. Between the two of us you have a total of 5/10.

[dadistance]

thx for the constructive criticism...

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Going on
with a lack of energy
looking back
to a past that you can’t see

--Impressive, I've never seen this same exact stanza before :rolleyes:. Honestly, it doesn't matter if you're a new writer or whatever, you should have some clue what has been overdone in almost every genre of music, and this is pretty much used in all of them.

Feelings gone
Voices in the dark
No someone
Passing by and they start to bark

--Um... dark//bark? Forced rhyming at it's finest. You really don't even look like you're trying at all. Except for that horrible last line, the rest has also been done repeatedly.

Fade away
To the unseen neverland
Just can’t stay
Still looking for a friend

--Wow, I get it, you have no friends. Please develop a topic sometime soon. Neverland reminds me of Neverland Ranch, or Peter Pan. Either way it's bad news, take it out of there.

Loneliness is getting worse
Can’t escape this one big curse
Feeling empty fills the day
Only chance to fade away

--What you did, was write 3 of the most overused stanzas in music, and then feel the need to write a 4th that sums up your feelings. There wasn't anything to wrap up, you put it all out on the table in the first stanza.

I would have given you a 1/10, but since you actually took the time to put a signature at the bottom of your post, I'm taking away the courtesy point.
0/10 --CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR!

[dadistance]

lol seems like you didn't understand the deeper meaning..i know that this text isn't that good but as I play guitar in a band without a singer I tried to put up some lyrics..according to the reactions I sould concentrate on playing guitar...It was just an attempt to find out whether I suck on writing or not...nevermind if you didn't like it at all! And by the way don't copy any quotations of songs you don't know
cool name by the way A_Perfect_Sonnet...doesn't remind me of the band a perfect circle and in addition to that it shows that you're really into poetry! very cool!