battled...please crit

[i am nekroman]

A flowing pink ocean
Dancing through hills of glowing light
They run among us always
Looking for another pointless fight

Green men of battle fields
Frozen in mid-winters awful gate
Deserted, hopeless now
They sail to there frozen, horrid fate

Chorus
A flowing beam of moonlight
Dancing through this endless frigid night
Something I can not grasp
Something that has not reached my sight
I watch from this glass box
A box, forever sealed tight
I shall always watch
But shall never tough this beam of light

Lost in the new horizon
A fierce war has unleashed upon our earth
A mirage of unknown warriors
Fighting on the new found, fiery surf

They emerge, one last time
Fighting for peace, they fight for war
The ocean now painted red
A sanctuary turned into such gore

Chorus
A flowing beam of moonlight
Dancing through this endless frigid night
Something I can not grasp
Something that has not reached my sight
I watch from this glass box
A box, forever sealed tight
I shall always watch
But shall never tough this beam of light

[heartfeltapology1]

beautiful imagry. i loved your choice of words... A+ mr. nekroman...

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

This is an excellent piece. You really put imagery and metaphors to good use. I certainly can't find anything to change. Great job. 9/10

PS Could you crit my song, Father Monty, I'd greatly appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=306082

Thanks!

[gardnerville gangsta]

great stuff

[hbbs79]

A flowing pink ocean
Dancing through hills of glowing light
They run among us always
Looking for another pointless fight

IMO, one of the best song intro's in a long time, refreshing

Green men of battle fields
Frozen in mid-winters awful gate
Deserted, hopeless now
They sail to there frozen, horrid fate

Gives me a perfect image of your thoughts, almost like a word painting. so real..........

Chorus
A flowing beam of moonlight
Dancing through this endless frigid night
Something I can not grasp
Something that has not reached my sight
I watch from this glass box
A box, forever sealed tight
I shall always watch
But shall never tough this beam of light

wow, poetic. deep, should be on a bumper sticker. that's good, really good.

Lost in the new horizon
A fierce war has unleashed upon our earth
A mirage of unknown warriors
Fighting on the new found, fiery surf

Good, a slight downfall from the rest, but still really good.

They emerge, one last time
Fighting for peace, they fight for war
The ocean now painted red
A sanctuary turned into such gore

really good, i think the word contrast, syllable choice, the line lenghth, etc., it all flows.

Chorus
A flowing beam of moonlight
Dancing through this endless frigid night
Something I can not grasp
Something that has not reached my sight
I watch from this glass box
A box, forever sealed tight
I shall always watch
But shall never tough this beam of light
Same as other chorus comments.


All in all, this is one of the best poems i've read in a while. the whole thing flows, not choppy, 9.5/10

[hbbs79]

if it's not too much trouble.............

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=306917

[gardnerville gangsta]

thanks...anymore?