Father Monty - crit for crit [Archive] - Music & Musician Forums

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-22-2005, 09:36 PM

I go to a Catholic school and we had a guest speaker, a priest. He was telling us his life story, which I thought that would make a good song: a drug-addicted man on the verge of self-destruction embracing religion and becoming a priest. Anyways, here's my song.

Father Monty

Spring of 1972,
He was fresh out of dental school,
Monty had it all figured out,
Have all of the money,
Have all of the fun,
Take all the risks
And he’ll be the one
To succeed when it’s over.

But there was a flaw in his design
And he began his slow decline
Into the depths of the abyss.
He breathed in the fumes,
They poisoned his soul
With the substance inside
He lost control
And death was looming overhead.

Montgomery, you are my son,
And all your wrongs can be undone
But you must tread lightly.
Follow the path that I have made
Your soul, your life, it shall be saved
Just embrace me tightly.

So he cleaned up and changed his ways,
He turned his back on the old days
And he’s a brand new man.
Gave up on drugs,
Gave up on booze,
Stopped having sex,
So much to loose.

Now Monty’s doing just fine
‘Pax tecum’ brightly shining
And he has no regrets.
Dressed in black,
Good book in hand,
Spread the good word
Across the land.
His horn has really changed its tune.

EDIT: Changed the last stanza and added a new one.

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-23-2005, 03:52 PM

*bump*

Is my song really that bad?

Flinflon

02-23-2005, 05:01 PM

The poem has a very uplifting and positive message, which is a breath of fresh air from the usually depressing lyrics found on the site. I would have to agree with you however that the last verse may not be too strong. It seems to lack a flow, because you rhymed sporadically throughout but seemed to have abandoned it in that last stanza. I would actually recommend going back over it and maybe even using a thesaurus to maybe find a word that could rhyme in there. That's what I do when my work isn't coming together the way I'd like it to. I see potential and I'd like to see it again if you worked on it a bit more. 7/10 with possibility of more. Crit my post please "Come one, come all, and be honest" and I mean it, be honest like I have been.

thirdeyeblindislit

02-23-2005, 06:54 PM

First off thank you so much for your kind words on my song. This was actually a very unique idea, and I like unique. Everybody tends to stay to the same topics and I can clearly say I have heard nothing like this before. This was actually a very well written song as well. I enjoyed reading it. The only thing I think may be wrong with it is the shortness, but it all depends on how you sing it I guess. The flow went very well and you had a few metaphors in there. This was very well written. Nice job and keep it up. 8.9/10. :thumb: I will consider you an honorable mention today, since I already gave my award out. Sorry. But nice job and please keep me informed of any more of your songs. I really do enjoy your work. :chug:

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-23-2005, 07:03 PM

Thank you for your kind words as well, your wisdom is always appreciated.

BabyKiller

02-24-2005, 12:03 AM

I must agree with thirdeye's crit. It's very original and it is great to see a piece like this. The message was great. I think a lot of people could look at this piece and draw some inspiration from it. I know I would. It's hard to come back up from the bottom of the barrel and it's uplifting to know that people know this without taking the steps down that road and offer release. Glad to see someone has the capability of grasping that aspect. I'm giving it a 9/10. Good show man. :thumb:

H to the ickle

02-24-2005, 06:17 PM

I liked it. Have you showed it to the priest or anything like that? If so, what was his reponse?

The whole idea and scheme was pretty cool and I enjoyed how it is based on a true story, I know a few people who have had similar experiences as well. 9.10

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-24-2005, 06:21 PM

Thanks for your input but no I haven't showed it to him. He was from Nothern Ontario and I'm in Southern Ontario, he was only there for the day. But when he started talking about how Catholicism is the right religion to follow and all other religions were dishonest and wrong, that kinda pissed me off; same with a lot of other people. Arrogant dick, I just thought that his story was very inspirational so I wrote about it. Thanks again for the input keep it coming.

Dead_Trench

02-24-2005, 09:12 PM

These are good lyrics, I like them. The topic is not so unique but it's better than some emo song. I can't give very good critism, but I'll try. Some of these things, I just can't imagine them being sang. I'm thinking that for some of the stanzas you should just speak them(not sing) while guitars softly strum some chords. Everything else is good, except your last stanza is a bit weak. Individually I don't think the lines are bad. It is just the second one that pulls down the quality. I just don't like the flow of that one.
So could you give crit for my song. It's called Psycho Babble.

bisnotch

02-24-2005, 09:45 PM

hey there. I appreciate your words in my thread. i am not much of a crit but i'll try my best. I'm new here and just trying to see if my writing is any good. First off, i am finding it kind of hard to crit this piece because it has absolutely nothing to do with me, but thats not to say its bad. it just means that i havent experienced what you have. i think i agree with somebody else in that some parts of this would sound a lot better said than sang. it seems like you had an idea for a song and actually stuck to it. i find it hard to stay on subject and often veer off onto something completely different. You have a very good sense of staying on the same subject. i like that. i like how you don't try to rhyme every single line. It sounds so much better when it just flows and doesnt seem forced. Your piece flows quite nicely. the only thing i would recomend would be the ending. it seems like a weak ending for such a strong song. Other than that, i think this is a great piece. Keep up the good work. 8/10. Thanks again for the crit.

Spectrum

02-24-2005, 11:45 PM

Very nice, Attaboy. I'm really into Yes and Rush and the like, so I can appreciate the beauty in story songs. This one has added poignancy because it's a true story, and I can relate to the rewarding faith experience described here.

First off, the mechanics of the thing were pretty solid. There was a nice flow to it, and the rhyme scheme was reasonably consistent, with the occasional strange near-rhyme. Some of it didn't quite convey the power of the piece as well, but that happens sometimes. Secondly, the message is right on. I love these stanzas most:
Spring of 1972,
He was fresh out of dental school,
Monty had it all figured out,
Have all of the money,
Have all of the fun,
Take all the risks
And he’ll be the one
To succeed when it’s over.
That last line packs the punch the entire stanza was looking for, and nicely sets up the next one.

But there was a flaw in his design
As he began his slow decline
Into the depths of the abyss.
He breathed in the fumes,
They poisoned his soul
With the substance inside
He lost control
And death was looming overhead.
Concise, direct, well-worded, and powerful. Nicely sets up the third staza turn-around.

Montgomery, you are my son,
And all your wrongs can be undone
But you must tread lightly.
Follow the path that I have made
Your soul, your life, it shall be saved
Just embrace me tightly.
Awesome. I really feel the intent here - the delivery worked very nicely for what you were trying to do.

It is said that all art contains some of the truth. These three stanzas say what I think needs to be said, and what I think everyone ought to hear. A very strong, clear message pervades here, and these three stanzas alone carry everything and convey the full force of the piece. The rest is just pleasent detail.

The ending is still a little weak, though. I'm sure 'divine inspiration' will hit you one of these days. :thumb:

Score: 8.75/10

-Mike

Still nameless; up for critique:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=303558

saudade

02-25-2005, 01:25 AM

Firstly, thanks for criting my song mate! Ahem.....
I agree with everybody else who has responded to this piece, the subject matter is different and unique, which is great, cos we're getting a lot of similar lyrics and genres coming through right about now. So its great to finally read something that original and good! Reading your story, its hard to make and corrections, cos it feels heart-felt and emotional, therefore making changes, i believe, a bit difficult to do. It flowed really well, and i liked the occasional rhyming sceme, it suited the flow of things. I agree with everyone else, in that the last stanza is a bit weak, cos it should finish strongly and conclusively. Good work man!

Jonahtan

02-25-2005, 09:13 AM

Spring of 1972,
He was fresh out of dental school,
Monty had it all figured out,
Have all of the money,
Have all of the fun,
Take all the risks
And he’ll be the one
To succeed when it’s over.

I like it but i might have ended it with "to suceed when all's done" because it would fit with the rhyming scheme of "run", and "one" and wouldnt be forced or anything.

But there was a flaw in his design
As he began his slow decline
Into the depths of the abyss.
He breathed in the fumes,
They poisoned his soul
With the substance inside
He lost control
And death was looming overhead.

Very good stanza, much more interesting than the first one. It has a sort of cadence in it that makes it seem suspenceful.

Montgomery, you are my son,
And all your wrongs can be undone
But you must tread lightly.
Follow the path that I have made
Your soul, your life, it shall be saved
Just embrace me tightly.

So he cleaned up and changed his ways,
He turned his back on the old days
And he’s a brand new man.
Gave up on drugs,
Gave up on booze,
Stopped having sex,
So much to loose.

So god spoke to him and he changed his ways, clear and precise while being interesting and flowing well.

Now Monty’s doing just fine
‘Pax tecum’ brightly shining
And he has no regrets.
Dressed in black,
Good book in hand,
Spread the good word
Across the land.
His horn has really changed its tune.

I can't say much about this stanza, its pretty straghtforward and theres nothing too interesting in it, its not bad, but this stanza's not as good as the previous ones in mmy opinion.

Either way i'll give an 8.3/10 on this piece, cool idea.

Please crit my piece "my reflections", it should be on the first page or maybe the second if no one notices it lol

matt10lightning

02-25-2005, 09:26 AM

thanks for the crit on my song...this song was really good and i like the idea of it..

Spring of 1972,
He was fresh out of dental school,
Monty had it all figured out,
Have all of the money,
Have all of the fun,
Take all the risks
And he’ll be the one
To succeed when it’s over.

i dont really like the ryhme with fun and one kinda forced..

yea overall it was pretty good 8.5/10

when i have another song up could you crit. it? it would be greatly appreciated!

nightshade2600

02-25-2005, 11:01 AM

i like the song, although im not normally a fan of story-like songs, this one is well done... sorry this isnt a real crit... nothing much left to say. 8/10

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-25-2005, 09:27 PM

Thanks to everyone for your input. If my last stanza is still weak, could you guys help me out a bit by giving me some suggestions to fix it up to make it better? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! Thanks again to everyone.

TheOpeningAct101

02-25-2005, 09:46 PM

i have very strong feelings about religon in genral but specifcally catholosicm. i think people look up when they should be looking at the "road" ahead of them. im not saying religon is bad it has help many people, but sometimes we need to look at our selves and take control instead of rely on so many outer influences. i say,"the only things that can negativly influece or hurt you, are the things you let do so". i could write you all a book on how i feel, but i really dont you all would like that.

the song was good. it was origanal, but it wasnt that origanal. its not like this hasnt been done many times before, Especially in christan music. it has a very good flow and rythme and word usage. overall good job, just read over it and dop what you feel suites you. 7.5/10

TheOpeningAct101

02-25-2005, 09:58 PM

i wrote a poem on the subject i described. i would like your critq and your thoughts. look for the poem,"The Stars", in a day or two. plz look for it, i would really like input from someone who knows what their talking about.

Jetblack

02-26-2005, 08:49 AM

ehh, sorry to say, but I didnt enjoy it as much as everybody else. It seems sort of cliche, just a life story of someone with a bad past. 7/10

GreenDayFrk88

02-26-2005, 11:39 AM

This is a cool song good imagry and a nice story line, the only thing is that some parts are kinda cliche but other than that i pretty solid piece good job 8/10

P.S. Thnx 4 the crit on mine

gardnerville gangsta

02-26-2005, 12:18 PM

im really not into christian rock...but if it were just a peom it would be really good
well done 7/10

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6822562#post6822562 if you wouldnt mind...thanks man

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-26-2005, 12:22 PM

This isn't meant to be christian rock, my band is into old rock, the stuff from the 60s and 70s.

gardnerville gangsta

02-26-2005, 12:27 PM

ok...well i sure like that stuff so 8/10 lol

echoed_song

02-26-2005, 05:56 PM

Cool subject matter. It's quite interesting to hear about someone whose life is falling to pieces... and then he just puts it all back together again. So many people talk about the crap that goes on in life, so few talk about the good stuff, although I think there's just as much.

Father Monty

Spring of 1972,
He was fresh out of dental school,
Monty had it all figured out,
Have all of the money,
Have all of the fun,
Take all the risks
And he’ll be the one
To succeed when it’s over.

I think this first part works fine, no problems with anything really.

But there was a flaw in his design
As he began his slow decline
Into the depths of the abyss.
He breathed in the fumes,
They poisoned his soul
With the substance inside
He lost control
And death was looming overhead.

You have a cool pattern here, a bit offbeat, things aren't squared away, which is cool. I'd take out "as" in the second line. You're telling a story here, and "as" takes away from the flow from one line to the next. Find another one-syllable word to replace it, maybe? "And" will work if nothing else. you could also use "for," although they're both a bit cheap.

Montgomery, you are my son,
And all your wrongs can be undone
But you must tread lightly.
Follow the path that I have made
Your soul, your life, it shall be saved
Just embrace me tightly.
I don't generally write religious-type lyrics, so this isn't really my forte, but it seems to work well to me. I would change lightly and tightly to light and tight. The "ly" is a bit messy. Be concise, it puts more emphasis on things, and this is God talking after all hehe :)

So he cleaned up and changed his ways,
He turned his back on the old days
And he’s a brand new man.
Gave up on drugs,
Gave up on booze,
Stopped having sex,
So much to loose.

I'm not sure about this bit. I think you could say it better, to be honest. The first line starting with "so" may not work, IMO. Depends what kind of music this is. If it's more western or folk or that kind of thing, you can probably pull it off. Otherwise, you're getting too sentence-y and taking away from the power of the song, I think. Generally speaking I think this part doesn't have anything very original to say. Maybe give it some thought, see if you can put what you're saying in a new way?

Now Monty’s doing just fine
‘Pax tecum’ brightly shining
And he has no regrets.
Dressed in black,
Good book in hand,
Spread the good word
Across the land.
His horn has really changed its tune.

This part works well. I really like the last line, don't change that whatever you do.
All in all, I give it an 8/10. Good work, good subject, but a bit bland. Try and find new ways of saying some of it, so it isn't just "happy happy happy" it's "look, life's not all ****! Woohoo!" :)
ES

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-26-2005, 09:22 PM

Alright, thank you for that very useful advice! I really appreciate that, I'll definately revise it again and makes some changes according to your suggestions.

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 03:40 AM

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-27-2005, 09:10 AM

Well that line isn't talking about fate or anything like that, I meant the path of good. There are two roads that you can go down the good and the bad, that line was saying that "Monty" should check his road map and probably make a detour to get back on the right path, ya know. And regarding your massive flame against my religion and my believe, I'm sorry but you have offended me by saying those things. I have my beliefs, and I believe that God does exist and all that stuff. I'm not one of those "bible-thumpers" I'm just not open about religion all that much. Many people follow religion, everyone has to believe in something, whether it's different that doesn't matter cuz in Canada, it's a fundamental right that you can follow whatever religion you want, and you're saying that my beliefs are wrong? The priest, the priest that this song is about, said pretty much the same thing, everyone's beliefs are wrong unless you're Catholic. Only with you, you're an atheist or possibly a satanist. I don't want to start an giant argument with you about this, I'm just giving you my two cents since you gave me yours.

Thanks for the crit by the way, I appreciate it.

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 11:00 AM

I'm sorry to have offended you.

I don't follow any religion.

But when I hear about this so-called "god" I do get a little over excited as I have quite a many views on why there isn't one, and if there is.... well, then we're all screwed. Unless of course your a slave to his ways, which I will never be.

I will not be trained.

I am my own disciple.

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-27-2005, 11:36 AM

Alright then, I'm glad we avoided an argument here. I'll be sure to keep that God thing in mind in the future. Cheers to you.

Dead_Trench

02-27-2005, 12:28 PM

Quite well written, but I'm the only person that's gonna say it's not original.

I already said it isn't very unique and I think someone said it was cliche. Unless you specifically mean the word original than you aren't the only person. No need to freak out man, it's just a song. I'm atheist and to me it's just music, nothing more. But you guys already worked this out so no need for me to say anything more. Except liking death metal and being atheist gives me alot less to write about in terms of lyrics.

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 02:11 PM

"I already said it isn't very unique and I think someone said it was cliche. Unless you specifically mean the word original than you aren't the only person."
--- Well I scanned over the crits and I saw people saying it's original and I disagreed so ok.

"No need to freak out man, it's just a song. But you guys already worked this out so no need for me to say anything more."
--- Then shut up and stop talking. I didn't freak out you moron, can you really sense the tone of my voice through the computer eh? I simply stated what I thought, so.... blow me.

"Except liking death metal and being atheist gives me alot less to write about in terms of lyrics."
--- How does it give you less to write about? You must have one sh.itty imagination.

Buh dun dun duh.

And as for you Mr. Attaboy... I love the Buddy Christ icon man, I just noticed that s.hit.

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-27-2005, 02:14 PM

Right on man, Jesus Is My Homeboy *thumbs up*

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 02:48 PM

LOL!

Start your day off the holy way with...
Christ chex... ahhhh!

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 02:49 PM

Oh yeah... it's probably not quite your style, but if you could look past that and check out my song Home Made IV and give it a crit, a real one, not like that little nekro-deusche(sp). It would be much appreciated.

Dead_Trench

02-27-2005, 03:26 PM

Way to overreact. :thumb:

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 03:31 PM

Not really.

TheOpeningAct101

02-27-2005, 03:48 PM

Quite well written, but I'm the only person that's gonna say it's not original. Tell you the truth I've heard hundreds of songs about people turning their lives around like this. They just all turn to something else. I'm just sick of hearing anti-drug/turn your life around songs. Though I'll repeat it is well written, the rhymes weren't bad and you got your message across which are all good. I personally just thought it sucked cause of the content and what not.

"Follow the path that I have made"
--- I truly despised this line, but that's because I'll never fvcking follow anyone's path but my own and if god wants me following the path HE made for me then he can suck my big fat **** and rot in hell, but as far as I can tell if there is a god he's already in hell, heaven is a diguise, see thru the lies. HEAVEN SHALL BURN.

we all have our own views on religon and life in genral, but its when your an ******* about it that you get a negative response. we should all be able to say what we think without being jerks about it. i have my own views as said previously, but i didnt flame anybodys religon. i was able to say what i felt without being an *******. i have nothing against religon, it has helped many people, but i just think we need to take control of our own lifes instead of relying on other people.

--Attaboy_Skip--
if you could, i wou would really appreciate you having a look at my poem "the stars". it would be really great to have your opinion.

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 04:03 PM

we all have our own views on religon and life in genral, but its when your an ******* about it that you get a negative response. we should all be able to say what we think without being jerks about it. i have my own views as said previously, but i didnt flame anybodys religon. i was able to say what i felt without being an *******. i have nothing against religon, it has helped many people, but i just think we need to take control of our own lifes instead of relying on other people.

And where did he state in any way he believed in that stuff. All he said is he was inspired by the story of a priest turning his life around. He never said he believed that ****. And after he said he did I apologized for offending him did I not. I just hope he doesn't make the same mistakes all those Catholic fvcks do. Now go fvck yourself you sh.it faced cockmaster barbara streisand mofo,.

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-27-2005, 04:14 PM

What mistake would that be, just for know?

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 04:23 PM

"just for know?"
--- huh? that was an odd question. lol.

Well they makes lots of mistakes like placing way too much faith in any deity and not in themselves. They rely on God to do everything in their life for them. They pray for everything to happen to them but do nothing about it at all.

Or how about the ones that go to strip joints and lust for women, or go do drugs, or beat their kids and then go to that nice little second home known as church to repent and ask for forgiveness for their sin. Then they're right back out doing the same sh.it again, but of course all they need to do is ask for forgiveness every sunday and they're okay. This is were I realize that the Church thrives on hypocrisy, and man's carnal nature will out no matter how much it is purged or scourged by any white light religion.

Evil is merely "live" spelled backwards and should be embraced to the fullest.

Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams.

No I do not believe in any "god" or "satan" so don't go saying I'm a devil worshipper. I'm quite close to satanism but not "demonic satanism". There is a largely unseen difference between the two.

TheOpeningAct101

02-27-2005, 04:33 PM

why the hell did you turn this into a childish arguement. all i was trying to say is that we all should be able to state our beliefs and be able to defend them and argue them without being harrased. we are all adults or almost adults, why cant we act it.

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-27-2005, 04:35 PM

just for know = out of curiosity (that's my weird way of talking lol)

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 05:11 PM

matt10lightning

02-27-2005, 05:14 PM

why the hell do all of these threads eventually turn into gay *** arguementss???

maggotfelon

02-27-2005, 05:16 PM

why do all these people use the same gay *** icons?

Don't be a deusche. Were you part of our conversation? NO. So shut up and go bother somebody else.

Xenophobe

02-27-2005, 06:11 PM

i agree with him.....stop fighting

matt10lightning

02-27-2005, 06:21 PM

thank you...some1 that agrees with me finnally..

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-27-2005, 06:24 PM

As much as I enjoy laughing at this, yeah I third that motion.

matt10lightning

02-27-2005, 06:29 PM

omfg and how the hell could he call me a deusche..he the one fighting over bull****..

--Attaboy_Skip--

02-27-2005, 06:44 PM

Just let the argument go and the crits come in.

maggotfelon

02-28-2005, 03:41 AM

omfg and how the hell could he call me a deusche..he the one fighting over bull****..

LOL... sorry I find this hella amusing seeing as he's the one BANNED. LOL!

And dammit I agree, this song may not be my style but it is well written and deserves more attention.

fromfirsttolast911

02-28-2005, 06:41 AM

o yea..its soo hilarious that he's banned..im laughing out loud...

maggotfelon

02-28-2005, 06:53 AM

Oh geez. Another one of those... things...

I hope it's not that dumbas.s again. Can't you like IP ban someone or something.

fromfirsttolast911

02-28-2005, 07:05 AM

well if your calling "matt10lightning" the dumbass..hes gunna be back in a week..im good friends with him at school..

A_Perfect_Sonnet

02-28-2005, 07:44 AM

Angst

Angst

Angst

ANGST

Grow up people.

A_Perfect_Sonnet

02-28-2005, 08:05 AM

I forgot I owe you a crit. Sorry for the belated reply.

Spring of 1972,
He was fresh out of dental school,
Monty had it all figured out,
Have all of the money,
Have all of the fun,
Take all the risks
And he’ll be the one
To succeed when it’s over.

--Right now, it seems like a childrens story. Like one of those thing's you'd hear some 80 year old librarian reading to kids in the corner of the youth section, right next to the RL Stein books. It lacks substance, flair, pizazz, you know?

But there was a flaw in his design
And he began his slow decline
Into the depths of the abyss.
He breathed in the fumes,
They poisoned his soul
With the substance inside
He lost control
And death was looming overhead.

--This would've been more powerful if you had made it rhyme. The words you used seemed out of place and awkward in the general flow and such. The first line was pretty good though, and the stuff about the fumes, though slightly overdone was nice. It sharply contrasts to your first stanza though. If you notice my other comment.

Montgomery, you are my son,
And all your wrongs can be undone
But you must tread lightly.
Follow the path that I have made
Your soul, your life, it shall be saved
Just embrace me tightly.

--A dentist that finds redemption in God. That made me chuckle. Your ideas here a pretty good, except your wording makes me laugh at it, instead of get a more powerful meaning.

So he cleaned up and changed his ways,
He turned his back on the old days
And he’s a brand new man.
Gave up on drugs,
Gave up on booze,
Stopped having sex,
So much to loose.

Now Monty’s doing just fine
‘Pax tecum’ brightly shining
And he has no regrets.
Dressed in black,
Good book in hand,
Spread the good word
Across the land.
His horn has really changed its tune.

I'm not doing the last two verses, because they come off very preachy. Your song needs a lot of cleaning up, it shifts moods a lot and is kinda dull. The idea was good, but the way you worded everything comes of boring and preachy in a lot of places. Step back, look for some more inspired lines, and try another revision.
3/10