"Tee-Vee" crit 4 crit

[DrownedThought]

Tee-Vee
So, you’re sitting at home,
Watching Tee-Vee,
Next thing you know,
Something’s on the screen,
Oblivious from the show,
The product of our dreams,
The price makes me scream

Chorus:
I’m a fatty,
With a small d**k,
I’m a baldy,
And I’m really sick,
Computers anger me,
I need some sleep,
Solve my insurance needs,
Thank you Tee-Vee,
You saved me

Deceiving and taking,
A hard-earned dime,
F**king advertising,
Steals a soul every time,
Bad acting is on the rise,
Five payments of twenty-five ninety-five,
It’s bulls**t and a bunch of lies,

Chorus

Bridge:
Free! Free! Free!
Is what they scream,
Call! Call! Call!
Backed into the wall,
Pay the price of two for one,
Come on you’ve had your fun...

Chorus
--------------------
Lately I've seen alot of commercials that feel sorry for you and all this other crap. Well it pisses me off and I wrote a song about it. Enjoy :).

[crush_my_dreams]

um a little strange at first. but i had to reread it a copy of times.
i can see it as some crazy punk song..green day like maybe.
6/10 its different so its good! <3

[DrownedThought]

You know whats funny... i hate green day with a passion.

EDIT: Can i get some crits?

[DrownedThought]

some one crit please..

[i_mine_cor]

The chorus is good but about a line too long. "Oblivious from the show" doesn't make a whole lot of sense, what and all with a commercial on. The last line of the bridge needs work. Otherwise, you make your point, it's interesting and could definitely be catchy.

"F**king advertising,
Steals a soul every time,
Bad acting is on the rise,
Five payments of twenty-five ninety-five"

This and the first four lines of the chorus are the most fun. None of the artists I listen to would ever write anything like this, but it's ok. 5/10

Tell me what you think: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=302914

[Biancazzurri]

i mine cor, once you said you are not a fan of x/10 system, what happened?

Hey! This is not a punk song at all! This is a satiric song.. very good I must say.
Some things that really can annoy a neutral watcher are pointed out here...
This song is very well going and I think the chorus is very good, interwines with the rest. But the bridge is stupid, I understand that the song is for fun, but the bridge is under the decent level of the song. 7.5/10

[i_mine_cor]

"I once said..." I'm not used to this much attention from anyone who isn't one of my regular minions. And as for the system, I wouldn't do it any other way. It's an excellent way to give someone constructive criticism in a lengthy post and then at the end crush their self-esteem or bloat their head to where they're writing **** years afterward completely convinced everyone loves it. But of course, I'll be denying I said any of this within a few hours and you'll have to once again pull out "The Official Book of Wise and Insightful Quotes from the Great Mind of i_mine_cor" and point out more drastic inconsistencies in my character.

This was all in good fun, tata.

[DrownedThought]

Ok...my biggest problem was the bridge. I was thinking about re-writing it. Now from what you said i need to badly do it. So once i re-write the bridge ill post it up.

EDIT: I remade the bridge, and you guys were correct it wasnt the flow of the song so I changed it. Also i notice the flow from the versus to the chorus was a little rough so i changed that too.

Tee-Vee
You’re sitting at home,
Watching Tee-Vee,
Next thing you know,
Something’s on the screen,
Oblivious from the show,
It’s the product of our dreams,
But the price makes you wanna scream

Chorus:
I’m a fatty,
With a small d**k,
I’m a baldy,
And I’m really sick,
Computers anger me,
I need some sleep,
Solve my insurance needs,
Thank you Tee-Vee,
You saved me

Deceiving and taking,
A hard-earned dime,
F**king advertising,
Steals a soul every time,
Bad acting is on the rise,
Five payments of twenty-four ninety-five,

Chorus

Can you really do that at fifty?
Some of these offers are kind of cheesy
I can tell if it’s real or not
The only thing I wish is if it could stop

Chorus

[DrownedThought]

Bump

[DrownedThought]

bump

[coheneran]

um a little strange at first. but i had to reread it a copy of times.
i can see it as some crazy punk song..green day like maybe.
6/10 its different so its good! <3

Nothing like Green Day. This is more like NoFX or Lucy's *****.