Leavin Home (New song i dunno if its good)

[GreenDayFrk88]

(Verse 1)

Your fed up with all of our worthless fights
Catastrophe brought us to an end
Always yelling at midnight
To all your bitchy friends
I cant take this anymore
How bout you go away
Running out of my door
Yes that'll be the day

(Chorus)

So pack your bags and go out the door
We dont need you anymore
Go into the world and get killed
Maybe then your dreams will be fufiled
Now you're all on your own
And you're leavin home

(Verse 2)

I'm alone once again
You're not here and i can't pretend
I'm happier than I've ever been
All the nights I used to cry
Now I laugh at you every night
Remembering your face but not your name
All the lost pride and overlooked fame

(Repeat Chorus)

(Bridge)

Late at night i wonder how you are
Are you lying on the ground mentally cut with scars
Are you wishing that you could come back home
But I'll never let you, you're the one i loath

(Repeat Chorus)

[GreenDayFrk88]

bump anyone??

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I'll pass.

[GreenDayFrk88]

ok w/e

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

If you want a crit, I'll give it to you, but it wont be pretty.

[GreenDayFrk88]

i know u crit harsh so i know it'll be like a 1 or a 0

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

At least I'll give you some advice you can use.

[GreenDayFrk88]

ya ok crit it i wont be offended

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Well, to avoid a problem with you, I'm going to give you my straight crit. No rambling, flaming, bashing, or rating. Just what I think looks wrong and could be improved upon. Fair enough?

(Verse 1)
Your fed up with all of our worthless fights
Catastrophe brought us to an end
Always yelling at midnight
To all your bitchy friends
I cant take this anymore
How bout you go away
Running out of my door
Yes that'll be the day

--Your ---> You're (Your is possessive while you're is a contraction for you are.) This verse gives background, which is great. Rather than ramble about some feelings you have or what some other person is doing in the background behind your computer chair, you actually build up some emotion to what you are feeling and what the situation was. What you could do is expand on what the girl did, and then slip the hint in that you want her to go away, and expand on that in a later verse. By forcing the rhyming (anymore//door), you dropped your piece to a level of cliche that most everyone has written about before. Basically your piece as it stands looks whitewashed. There isn't very little to make it stand out, if anything at all. What you need to consider when writing your songs is people don't really want to hear the same words with different background noise. People thrive on originality and creativity, so while writing lyrics is good for this, it also is an opportunity for you to hone your unique style. It takes time, but with more practice you will get a better understanding for what you want to write about, and will maybe apply some more originality into the piece.

(Chorus)

So pack your bags and go out the door
We dont need you anymore
Go into the world and get killed
Maybe then your dreams will be fufiled
Now you're all on your own
And you're leavin home

--The forced rhyme here really makes it awful. Door//anymore is used once again, and once again creates that white washed feel I was talking about. The second couplet is obviously forced, and doesn't really tie in to you wanting this person to leave. It's more like "I'm spiteful towards what you've done, and I want you to die." But even this idea can be made original. For example you could say something like:

Dont let the door hit you on the way out,
Though I wish it would.
The worlds a harsh place for the unwanted,
It'll do more to you than I ever could.

Doing something like that makes the piece seem more deep, while at the same time bringing a sort of original feel to it (even though the idea remains cliched). If it looks better and sounds better to read, chances are it will flow better too. Keep that in mind as you write. I know you can do better than those last 2 lines. If you think about it, she's not leaving home, you basically kicked her out, so saying that contradicts what you wanted to get across.

(Verse 2)

I'm alone once again
You're not here and i can't pretend
I'm happier than I've ever been
All the nights I used to cry
Now I laugh at you every night
Remembering your face but not your name
All the lost pride and overlooked fame

--I like how instead of regretting what happened, you actually embrace it. It's a welcome change of pace from the "you're gone, now I miss you" topic. The problem in this basically repeats itself, although some of your lines don't exactly make sense right away. Take the first 2 lines for example. The first line has just been done so many times you should cut it out, but you could create 2 lines with that 2nd one. Say, "I dont have to pretend now that you're not here, I can live again." Something along those lines would flow well into the being happy lines. The last two are actually pretty good, though instead of saying overlooked, you could change it to overblown. That might change the meaning a little, but in my opinion would be so much cooler.

(Bridge)

Late at night i wonder how you are
Are you lying on the ground mentally cut with scars
Are you wishing that you could come back home
But I'll never let you, you're the one i loath

--The second line is awkward to say the least. Take out mentally for sure, and then say covered or clothed in scars. No one can be cut in scars, because they occur after cuts have healed. You could take off the last line also and just end the song right there. By now your listener should get the idea you dont want the person back, so stating it is just making it completely obvious. A little bit of mystery can go a long way.

Take the advice I've given you as you will, it's only my opinion. This piece has potential, but you'll need to work on it.

[GreenDayFrk88]

Wow thnx 4 the crit.. it really helps unlinke some people who dont give any advice that was really great.. I'll make some changes

[GreenDayFrk88]

anyone else i could use a couple more

[GreenDayFrk88]

plz..

[GreenDayFrk88]

the song does'nt really rime that much.
i think u need to add some more words that ryme before you think about posting them.
you said to crit it so i did. here it is