Internal Disagreement. Please CRIT.

[bisnotch]

Internal Disagreement


My mouth has run off again.
Can you help me find it?
The cat is the suspect
In the theft of my tongue.

My mind won't believe
what my eyes are telling me.
And my mouth won't speak
what my heart is feeling.
An internal war between body and mind
With my mouth speaking revenge of every kind.

I can't let you know how I truly feel
Or else you'll steal that too.
I'll mask my love with hate
even if it destroys our fate.
Your words hurt me more
Than words could ever describe.

My mind won't believe
what my eyes are telling me.
And my mouth won't speak
What my heart is feeling.
An internal war between truth and deceit
Leaving my morals staring at defeat.

I don't care if it's right
The way that I lie.
I do it to protect myself
From your poison eye.
I bought so much of your ****
I should be broke.
It's my time to end
So I'll stop on that note.

My mind won't believe
What my eyes are telling me.
And my mouth won't speak
What my heart is telling me.
I can't tell you what you mean to me
In fear of what you'll say to me.

I have to keep my heart tied down
To keep it from bursting out.
It pains me to push you away
When I want you so close to me.
Theres nothing left to do
But pull this trigger
And paint these walls
With my love for you.

This is my first song i've put on here. Tell me how you guys interpret it. Please crit. Thank you. :thumb:

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

I gave you a 1, because you are "NUMBAH 1".

[DrownedThought]

Lol

[always934]

An internal war between truth and deceit
Leaving my morals staring at defeat.


^I really like these lines

it was good ...9/10

[Mango]

I liked this peice.

My mouth has run off again.
Can you help me find it?
The cat is the suspect
In the theft of my tongue.

I liked the use of that old saying


Well all over it was a good peice. Actually it kinda describes what i'm going through well except for the killing myself part lol. I give it an 8/10.

[H to the ickle]

I liked it alot, especially the first stanza, clever use of cliche without being cliche. The chorus could use a bit of retooling though. 9/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Okay after a runthrough of the piece, you had some strong imagery in there, though the verses sort of overdo it with that heart struggling with your mind imagery. If you could do it in a way that seemed more thought out, it would be much more enjoyable. In my opinion, when you look past all the cliched lines (there are quite a few) you seem like a pretty promising writer that, with some practice, could be cranking out real gems. Always think things through when you write, and go back over the piece. This way you'll patch up any illogical statements, and and catch places where words just dont seem to work right. It's all about revision, and with some, this piece could be pretty good. The metaphor about buying **** didn't work too well, but it's good you are willing to try original imagery. Welcome to the boards.

[crazii420]

I love it. can be a little sad. but itz amazing. :)

[bisnotch]

bump

[bisnotch]

last bump

[saudade]

Again, another song about killing yourself and loving someone you havent got the guts to tell. This is probably the 5th or 6th one i've read today! Whats with the whole "it hurts me too much to tell her that i love her" crap, i just dont get it. i dont get it even more when you people out there have to vent your blue ball anger on this songwriting site. Anyway, back to the point.....

The song content i totally dis-like, but i guess thats your problem, we cant tell you what to write, more help you make it better. The flow was ok, i didnt really need to read it again which is good, and i didnt need to stop and think about what was just written. As i read the first verse i thought that this was going to be something written with thought, but the second verse came, followed by the chorus and so on, and i was left dissapointed. I agree with A_Perfect_Sonnet, in that it was cliche, but less than usual. Here are the lines which i did not like.....

I don't care if it's right
The way that I lie.
I do it to protect myself
From your poison eye.
I bought so much of your ****
I should be broke.
It's my time to end
So I'll stop on that note.
If the pre-verses werent obvious enough, than this just tipped the scale! This verse is an absolute shocker! Did you have a writers block during this stage of the story or what? It is very forced, and dont even try to justify It's my time to end, So I'll stop on that note.

My mind won't believe
What my eyes are telling me.
And my mouth won't speak
What my heart is telling me.
I can't tell you what you mean to me
In fear of what you'll say to me.
4 out of the 6 lines ended with me!

I have to keep my heart tied down
To keep it from bursting out.
How romantic! Way too cliche

It pains me to push you away
beh...

I just dont get these romantic stories about a boy who loves a girl so much, he has to kill himself in order to express his love for her. Is she supposed to be flattered?

[Thor]

Good job, I'll give you an 8 for that.

[Jonahtan]

I thought it was pretty good, but i never much like swearing in a piece. Also the idea of killing yourself seems kinda cliched nowadays. With two qualms i gave it an 8.10

[fromfirsttolast911]

i dont have time for a full crit. but it was very good 9/10

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Refer to the previous 3 posts for the introduction to "Sucky Critting 101".