Lost On My Own (advice on end and maybe a chorus?)

[shadeddakotabassist]

I wrote this one about a year ago and I've been kicking myself in the a** trying to figure out a chorus that flows with the lyrics. So far, though, nothing has come through. I would appreciate some help and maybe a few critques, too.

Lost On My Own
Where do I go from here?
I'm so lost in this life
At one time I was so sure
Now I'm standin' on the edge of a knife
what do I do for now?
How am I to get by?
I've been thrown by this world
Followed by lie after lie
Now I'm askin' you for help
The last thing I'd thought I'd ever do
Everyone's turned their back on me
So I guess now I'll turn to you
You've never helped me before
Cause I've never had the need
but I'm stumbling around
I've fallen down on my knees
You look to me with pity
But I turn away in shame
Even after all this time
I find no one but you to blame
I didn't want you to go
You said you didn't want to stay
And with my heart still shattered clear
I'm still broken to this day
Here I am
Lost on my own...

[heartfeltapology1]

very nice- i approve. have you come up with any ideas at all for a chorus? it's a really good start and i like it alot- dont think so hard about how it flows- think of the message your trying to convey and then it might come easier- i love it tho.

XOXO- lixxx
liz.

[shadeddakotabassist]

thanks for the review. the chorus is hard coming though. I'm trying to come up with something that makes a jump from the rhythm of the verses but still flows with the message. since this is a slower song and the verses aren't really sung all that hard, I want something for the chorus that hits a little harder, but I can't come up with anything umm.. I guess passionate enough to suit my wants. even just a starting phrase that I could work with would be appreciated.

[shadeddakotabassist]

anyone else feel like commenting?

[Sloth]

well first off, by just glancing at it, this piece looks like a poem and not a song... if this is a song, try breaking it into stanzas/verses...

OK, crit----

Now I'm standin' on the edge of a knife very cliche..try changing the imagery to something unique...Something like...let's say...a snowflake? I don't know..I just hate the "edge of a knife" idea..

The main things that bothered me about this piece are:

1- the way you wrote this is far overdone...This "idea" is beyond cliche...If you are going to write about this idea, try writing from different aspects of it or different points of view.. Relate it to an addiction of some kind (still cliche, but less obvious) or use different images and metaphors to address what you mean.. Some readers may not get what you mean, but that's our fault we're retarded.. Don't be afraid to force the reader to INTERPRET your writing...

2- There little and/or no structure/meter/flow to this... While reading I had some trouble. Even though the word choice is very basic, the syllable count is very inconsistant. Try paying attention to the syllable count in your stanzas or phrases.. Some lines are longer than others, and vice versa...

Writing is like anything else...Repetition repetition repetition...If you want to be a good writer, Always write!


OK-- that's all I've got for you...
Keep writing.. .. ..keep posting.. .. ..keep on keepin on"

[shadeddakotabassist]

wOOt! another piece of paper for target practice. I'm gettin good at shootin I tell ya what. thanks for the crits everyone. I'll try and get my reviews or whatever in soon.

[Nightvision]

Uhm... you're new here, and you have a pretty good attitude, so I'll be nice.

Probably best not to bump all your songs at once - leave the older ones to rot unless you have something particularly important to say... as it is, you have 4 songs in the first 4 places, and have pushed 4 other peoples songs off the first page, most likely never to be seen again.

Just a etiquette thing. :)