Gentile (Alienated Remix)

[BabyKiller]

This is a song I rewrote about a week ago. I felt like the original was too plain and not long enough, so I rewrote it, mostly. If you'd like to read the original, before or after reading this one, the link is: http://everytimeeyedie.angelcities.com/poems/gentile.html and enjoy. Ciao.

Verse 1:
Hypocritical; violently literal; totally physical; violate your space and enter in your mental! No need to be gentle! Barbarically insane in my brain. No one cares what's your name cause all tha blame that left you slain is just the same when you feel this pain! The hate inside baracades your mind when you begin to find all your lost memories! I let it slide as I watch the tides rise and only a few survive. I feel the greed rise up in me! The lose of your soul...WHO COULD FORGET SUCH A MEMORY?!

Chorus:
Mother**er I'm laughing at you. At the things my lies have got you into. Nothing you could ever do will get you through these pearly gates. Eternal ****ation is your only fate. Doesn't it make you irate that you mistake your soul for something more then the black hole that it really is? Empty and blistering your body dies and as you cry, I can't deny my satisfaction.

Verse 2:
I'm alone...on my own. This broken shell is my home. I taste the tears that stained my cheeks for years. All of my fears, it seems, have destroyed my dreams. All of the things I have kept sacred and true, just for you, have withered and wasted away. My body decays under these rays of constant sickness and instant weakness. The light becomes the bleakest when I think of how much sorrow I'll encounter in every tomorrow. Could I borrow some joy? Could I steal it? If I asked for it, would you give it? No, you'd mock me and taunt me. Send your so-called "angels" to haunt me. Pushing me against the wall. I cover my face to embrace the fall. I come to terms that I am a worm who knows NOTHING...AT...ALL!!

Chorus 2:
Why must you laugh at me? Why can't you just see that this pain is killing me? Nothing you could ever do could make me trust you. Eternal ****ation is my only fate, I know. But I won't live this life for you. I can't believe what you put me through. It makes me sick that you trick me into believing all this deceiving isn't coming from your fingertips. All of this blasphemy and immoral sh*t is flowing from your calloused lips. Empty and blistering my body dies and as I cry I will defy everything that you stand for!!!!!

Bridge:
I'm alone on my throne with my perfect evil clones. My homicidal drones destroy the homes of those who chose to live in denial, thinking their lives are worthwhile. They claim their first-born child to suffice as a sacrifice to their creator. I am the Alpha and the Omega. The giver of life and the terminator. I consume the living and awaken the dead. I create the hate that flows in your head. I don't give healing, you get pain instead. My inner beast must be fed. Slaughtering and massacre breathe through your laughter. I look upon this disaster with a smirk on my face. I can tell you let my spirit lurk in this place. As you sift through my lies, you yet to realize that I linger in the back of your eyes. Creating this infinite disguise of an ever after somewhere in the HOL...LOW...SKIES!!!

[BabyKiller]

my initial reaction to this is that none of it seems genuine because so much of it rhymes, like that is the only reason most of this exists-to keep the rhymes going. that's all i've got to say really, the whole thing doesn't feel legit. all over the place.

I don't get what you're talking about. It all goes with a common flow. Sure, it rhymes a lot, but it still tells a story. The first verse is "god" proclaiming how almighty he is. The second verse is about a man trying to figure out why "god" is doing all these horrible things to him and eventually turns his back on him. Then, the third verse is "god" saying that he doesn't give a damn what happens. This is ultimately me and my perception of "god."

[BabyKiller]

bump please

[Drumr144]

this sounds like a kinda Rap song. like Eminem. If u wanna be like that i would recommend u go to another site and post your songs on there. this is for other genres.

[GreenDayFrk88]

no it isnt this site is for anyone who has ever wrote a song not just for punk// or something else it can be for rap too u dont know what ur talking about

Now to the crit this song is kinda long so its kinda hard to really give it a solid crit i think u need to shorten it a bit and it would make it better.. Im not a huge fan of cussin in songs even though green day does do it a lot so shorten the song and get rid of the cuss words and it'll be a good song 6/10

[BabyKiller]

this sounds like a kinda Rap song. like Eminem. If u wanna be like that i would recommend u go to another site and post your songs on there. this is for other genres.

:lol: Dude. Hello. Some of the best metal bands in the world rhyme a lot. Like Otep. They're a good example. You need to open your mind to style, man. Rap artists aren't the only ones in the world who can rhyme and make it sound good. I rhyme a sh!tload in my songs and it works for me. It doesn't work for everyone because everyone has their own style. Thank you!

[estel]

Im not a huge fan of cussin in songs even though green day does do it a lot so shorten the song and get rid of the cuss words and it'll be a good song 6/10
Of course it's a well known fact that Green Day are the pinnacle of song writing... :upset:

On the topic of the song at hand.
I don't like it. The flow is all over the shop because of the way the rhymes are done.
Some sound forced, like this - "Hypocritical; violently literal; totally physical; violate your space and enter in your mental!" Enter in my mental? Wtf is that supposed to mean?
The way the rhymes sometimes come halfway through lines means that either the lines are all different lengths, or the rhymes are just partway through the lines. That's what disrupts the flow, as the rhymes are constantly coming, but not in a set pattern. That's what makes it sound like a rap.

I don't like it... the rhymes seem to really detract from ths song. And it would be much easier to read if you set it out in lines, setting it out in paragraphs makes it harder to read and get the flow right.

[BabyKiller]

Some sound forced, like this - "Hypocritical; violently literal; totally physical; violate your space and enter in your mental!" Enter in my mental? Wtf is that supposed to mean?
Enter your mental means getting inside your brain. Trying to figure you out. I understand why you don't get it, but that's what asking is for. Thanks for giving your opinion. I know my rhymes seem really forced and they don't seem to flow, but that's because, honestly and with no offense at all, I write them. I hear the flow in my head and if I could find some way to get them on a disk or on a computer so I can download it and let people hear it, it would sound a lot better. But that's just something I have to work on, I guess. Thanks again, man.

[estel]

I know what 'mental' means. But 'enter my mental' makes no sense. Mental is an adjective, and as such, that sentence lacks a noun to be entered... it just sounds really odd.
One other thing-
I think it would have been easier to understand the flow if it had been set out in lines, not in a big paragraph.

[maggotfelon]

this sounds like a kinda Rap song. like Eminem. If u wanna be like that i would recommend u go to another site and post your songs on there. this is for other genres.

Dumbfvck. Let's read this together and out loud... S-O-N-G-W-R-I-T-I-N-G A-N-D L-Y-R-I-C-S F-O-R-U-M... where were genres mentioned. Seriously, why waste your time spamming his thread with something stupid and silly like this. If you don't want to crit it then shut the fvck up and leave it alone.


Anyways, I agree with Axiom. This seems like a silly rap song that wasn't well put together. The ideas are jumbled, random and misleading completely. I can see how it didn't get the story you tell about it. Neither did I and I love rap lyrics... if they are done right they are beautiful. If not they come out as a nonsensical nursery rhyme, like this seems. Not to be harsh, this is just the way I see it.

[maggotfelon]

oh, and you don't have a chorus. you have 4 verses.

"I know my rhymes seem really forced and they don't seem to flow, but that's because, honestly and with no offense at all, I write them."
-- They flow fine but they are forced sounding. Not that they are stupid rhymes, they just seem to be there for the sake of keeping the rhyme, not adding any depth to the lacking storyline and/or objective of this piece.

And "enter in your mental" makes since. It works fine, adjective or not. But it's a hardcore rip-off of an Otep line - "enter in your mental like a viral infestation". You said you listen to Otep so if you don't realize it you must not really like them. And her rhyming still works much better than this here. Sorry, this just isn't a good song with rhymes, they are more of a distraction from the fact that the storyline you claim is there isn't.

Though not considering any sort of story line, some of it's ok. But not most.

[BabyKiller]

And "enter in your mental" makes since. It works fine, adjective or not. But it's a hardcore rip-off of an Otep line - "enter in your mental like a viral infestation". You said you listen to Otep so if you don't realize it you must not really like them. And her rhyming still works much better than this here.

Yes, I do realize that this was a rip from Otep. I've been listening to them for years and I fell in love with that rhyme and, even though I don't plan on using this song for anything other then personal use, I thought I'd try to squeeze it into one of my writings.
Since a lot of people think this isn't really that good, even though I do. I might try to rework it somehow, but still keeping the overall theme. Thanks for the crits guys and rep points to those who actually said something more then a sentence. :)

[BlacklightGuitarist]

Good internal rhyme. Forced, but you'd get away with it, because, well, that's how it goes. I'm not much of a metal fan (well, not at all), but it gave me a sort of Linkin Park feel (don't hate me, it's the only band that raps that I could think of first hand). You need to work on a chorus, though. A chorus sums up the song, and I agree with whoever said what you have here is a whole bunch of verses.

[BabyKiller]

Actually, if you READ the d@mn thing, it says and I quote "Chorus" on there. There's 2 choruses, but they're similar. They're just tweaked to kind of give a perspective or sum up what each verse is sort of about. Geez. No chorus my as$.

[R_A_M_O_N_E_S]

I really like this song, great rhyming, I can see it in a pop-punk sorta fast rock beat

[theredwonder]

Ok. This was... interesting.

First off let's look at your rhyming. In my opinion rhyme can seriously help the flow of your piece when used subtly and non too frequently. However, in this poem/song there are far too many. I mainly agree with what has been said previously. A lot of your ideas are conveyed fairly well throughout the song, some rhyme, some don't. But then again a lot of the lines used are just irrelevant bullshit stuck in there to fulfill the rhyme scheme. DON'T DO IT. It's not good.

You do however have a couple of fairly nice lines -

I taste the tears that stained my cheeks for years.

I cover my face to embrace the fall

Not bad. I see a little potential but you need to work damn hard to make this remotely impressive. Think about what you're trying to say first off and write it down. If it rhymes great, if not who cares.