Hidden David (crit for crit)

[saudade]

G'day, i hope you guys can read this and give me some pointers. please be honest and nasty if required!

Hidden David
Plastic fingers pointing, judging attempts to teach the so-called Lesson.
Rusted bolts forever churning, burning over the same old path.
Giant beings green in face, show-case the world of contradiction.
While Hidden Davids' hide in fright, might witheld, far from sight.

Shackles cutting wrists skin deep, asleep lay the so-called messenger.
Desperate pleas come from within, the sin has been long commit.
Silver grins shown at high tide, pride is saved for the fields of envy.
While circus clowns follow the lead, proceed th training for tonights big show.

Can he open the long closed door, or is it locked by the key of courage.
Can she find the child inside, died has it yes or no?
Shadows appear much bigger than they seem, the dream is to overcome.
But up ahead lay the Giant well known, blown you are back to Hidden David.

Thanks for reading it, i'll get back to all your pieces as quickly as possible!

[jameschez]

G'day, i hope you guys can read this and give me some pointers. please be honest and nasty if required!

Hidden David
Plastic fingers pointing, judging attempts to teach the so-called Lesson.
Rusted bolts forever churning, burning over the same old path.
Giant beings green in face, show-case the world of contradiction.
While Hidden Davids' hide in fright, might witheld, far from sight.

Nice opening, really draws you in.

Shackles cutting wrists skin deep, asleep lay the so-called messenger.
Desperate pleas come from within, the sin has been long commit.
Silver grins shown at high tide, pride is saved for the fields of envy.
While circus clowns follow the lead, proceed th training for tonights big show.

A really good use of imagery..a really like the line about clowns.

Can he open the long closed door, or is it locked by the key of courage.
Can she find the child inside, died has it yes or no?
Shadows appear much bigger than they seem, the dream is to overcome.
But up ahead lay the Giant well known, blown you are back to Hidden David.

Thanks for reading it, i'll get back to all your pieces as quickly as possible!

This is a really good piece. Youve created a flow without any forced and unwanted rhym...nice job!

8/10 :thumb:

rate Falling to hell

[NarrowDoctor]

Very interesting...

It uses pretty much imagery... Thats why I don't get the plot..
Some things I don't like Hidden David hides, thats to simple for such complicated piece, I'm sure you sit on this pretty much time, the title seems to be unthought at all..

Silver grins shown at high tide, pride is saved for the fields of envy.
This line breaks the tempo, find some corrections to fix that.

The second stanza sure is my favorite, very original and intersting. I would really like to know what the piece is about... Post it? you get 8.5/10

[Corupt2057]

I read it don't really have much to crit but I'm just gonna say something because I'm here and well hey why the hell not
cool rhyme pattern you used
good imagery
I'd like to know the interpretation
has to do soemthing with the inner child right?
anyways yeah

[GreenDayLova89]

i liked the imagery it was good not really much to crit tho id give it an 8/10

[saudade]

In a nut-shell, its about conforming. The world is too planned and looped, so much so, that we are sometimes unable to break-free of the "normal" thing to do, which holds us back, and continues the fierce circle. Hidden Davids are all the people out there who are too afraid to take on the Giant. The story, i hope, explains itself a little better now.

Thanks to all you wrote back, i'll be sure to crit all of your work!

[nightshade2600]

i like... the only things i would change would be these...

Desperate pleas come from within, the sin has been long commit

change 'commit' to committed


Can she find the child inside, died has it yes or no?

change the last half to "has it died, yes or no?"

but otherwise it's a good song, not a common subject. 7/10

[wrongnote85]

Good job man. Nothing beats non-blatant, yet understandable metaphors! 9/10.

Please crit "this isn't done but tell me what you think..."

[Baodegoth]

Very good! i liked the whole thing really...great images and good use of metaphors...anyway i think it's all been said..so i'll give this an 8.5/10 good job!!

[GreenDayFrk88]

good job you used metaphors nicely, and great way of painting an image in my head something thats hard to do.. great job 9/10

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I love this song, good message. Like everyone says, I really like your imagery and metaphors, they really kept me in it. The only thing that you should change is the last line of the first stanza, that whole "Hidden Davids' hide" thing doesn't work. Using the same verb twice should be avoided, maybe use a thesaurus to find another word for hide. Good job though. 8.5/10

PS Could you crit my song, Father Monty? I'd really appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=306082

Thanks!

[echoed_song]

Wow. Very very cool song. I don't entirely get it lol, but that's part of what makes it so cool.

Hidden David
Plastic fingers pointing, judging attempts to teach the so-called Lesson.
Rusted bolts forever churning, burning over the same old path.
Giant beings green in face, show-case the world of contradiction.
While Hidden Davids' hide in fright, might witheld, far from sight.

The first line doesn't quite seem to fit for me. Did you mean "Plastic fingers pointing, judging, attempts to teach the so-called lesson"? As in, the plastic fingers are pointing and judging? Anyway, I don't think so-called is really necessarry here. You could get away with "attempts to teach the Lesson." I think that would sound d@mn cool.
The rest is great, I love the phrase "hidden david." This is great stuff, really powerful.

Shackles cutting wrists skin deep, asleep lay the so-called messenger.
Desperate pleas come from within, the sin has been long commit.
Silver grins shown at high tide, pride is saved for the fields of envy.
While circus clowns follow the lead, proceed th training for tonights big show.

More of the same. You rock heh. I do agree with nightshade, you should probably change commit to committed.

Can he open the long closed door, or is it locked by the key of courage.
Can she find the child inside, died has it yes or no?
Shadows appear much bigger than they seem, the dream is to overcome.
But up ahead lay the Giant well known, blown you are back to Hidden David.
Once again, I agree with nightshade that the "died has it yes or no?" needs to change. You could also use "or has it died?" to rhyme with "can she find the child inside," kinda adds to the flow a bit, but up to you.
Really great song, I love this. Really gets to me. 9.8/10
ES