Delusional (crit this!)

[GreenDayLova89]

I've been writin songs for 4 years but i only had my friends crit them so i just want to see what other people would say about my songs


Delusional

My delusional
it's 180 from what's real
It's only illusional
something you can never steal
something only I can feel

You may ask "what's the deal?"
But I can't reply
No I'm not high
on cocaine or some hallucinogen
I'm just lost inside my head again

It's something I can't explain
People think that means I'm insane
but without it I'm in total pain
Life would be a bore if everything stayed the same

I'm so retarded
so don't get me started
because it won't stop the constant buzzing in my head
Now I can't remember what I just said
Maybe that's because I'm demented
and disoriented
My mind gets off track so easily
I'm thinking about nothing obsessively

Huh? What? I didn't hear what you just said
Maybe that's because I'm braindead
You're in amusement
at my amazement
I'm just a habitual dimwit
and there's nothing I can do about it

My mind is hazy
or maybe I'm just crazy
or ****ing lazy
I'm a total idiot
a ****ing faggot
I'm just spacing out again
When will I be back?
I have no **** clue when

I use my mind to escape real life
it's better than using drugs or a knife
They just make things worse
Though my delusional is a curse
it's better than lying in a hearse

When I'm sitting staring into space
blank look on my face
Don't mind me I'm in my special place
escaping reality forgetting my pain
My delusional keeps me sane

[Ibanex0110]

these seem to be pretty good....like, really good....I don't know much about structures or anything, but from what I can see, there real good.....9/10

[GreenDayLova89]

thanx thats what my friends say i ask them if i should change suttin and there like no just leave it. i think that's one of my best songs but i have others i like better :)

[metaliq]

Rhyming was predictable and had me laughing a lot. Not because it was good, just because it read like a 5 year olds kindergarden poetry assignment. Yes, they know all of those words.

I wouldnt stick with AABB or anything of that variation for much longer... it wasnt very good.

Keep writing.

Crit my "song" please. I ******* hate you. Or my actual song, Deaf Image. You pick, one is a fake song and the other is real.

[megan bacon]

yeah, i like the theme, and ure lyrics have good imagery to them, but as whatsername just sed, the rhyming scheme becomes obvious. i wouldn't call it funny as such, and it didnt ruin the lyrics, but it did let the other strengths down. altogether good, but could easily have the potential to be a lot more interesting.

[Slipknot_forever]

I liked it alot..in some places i got lost a little where ur talking about being retarded and that...still awesome...i give it 8.5/10
GOOD JOB!!!

[NarrowDoctor]

For slipknot everything is good...
Where did you get lost, what's not clear in there?

Anyways, pretty simple song that has a potential with right music, too long for me in scale of an ideas (well... idea) that are repesented in here... And someone said here the words are just too simple, and thats what I've said to me when I was reading...

6/10

[GreenDayLova89]

Thanx for the ratings I kno the rhyme sucks on this song tho so I'm gonna post one that doesn't really have rhyme it's called "****ed up fourth" about my fourth of july last summer. I don't really care if anyone hates it because it's about how i felt about what happened. (please crit it when I post it)

[Corupt2057]

I'm so retarded

Maybe that's because I'm braindead


you said it yourself on this one

[GreenDayLova89]

you said it yourself on this one

ya i kno lmao

[heartfeltapology1]

its really not that it wasn't good but like someone i dont quite remeber who said before- the rhymes were to predictable... but i liked it pretty good...

[BassPlayinChiaPet]

as has already been said, the rhymes were all too predictable. i knew what was coming before i read it, and that makes me sad :(

this was a cool line

I'm thinking about nothing obsessively

but that was one of the few redeeming factors. 6/10
think of some new rhymes, and lose the "****ing faggot" line too, i'd change that

[AshesOfHate]

it was fine....but idk kinda bored me