more lyrics

[Ibanex0110]

this is my second attempt at a song....it's kinda short but...meh. it's about drugs, and how some people that's all they live for. please crit this

party in a bottle

where's the party tonight?
he asks his friends
i wanna get high as a kite

controlling you
feeding you
killing you
it's a party in a bottle

what day is it he asks?
all that matters is the high
how does it make you feel?

controlling you
feeding you
killing you
it's a party in a bottle

it's the day after
where is he at
he's in the hospital
the joke's on him

[GreenDayLova89]

omfg reminds me so much of something that happened to me last summer! (i wrote a song bout that called 'fvcked up fourth' ill post it tomoro) id give it a 7/10 the endin is fvckin hilarious! lmao (crit my song 'delusional')

[metaliq]

It wasnt unique in any aspect. The rhyming was stupid. Kite? Wtf.

And repeating the word 'you' sounds really nu-metal, because urban people rhyme the same word a lot.

I would suggest doing something unique with the concept of the song. It could go somewhere, but you need to learn more words and stuff. Yea, stuff.

Crit my song now please.

[saudade]

your dealing with a serious subject, yet your making it as black and white as possible. if your looking to write a song in a blink 182 style, then go for it, but nobody likes that crap anymore. c'mon man, high as a kite ? You've got to be kidding me!! Reading it sounds more like a recolection rather than a piece of writing.

GreenDayLova89 omfg reminds me so much of something that happened to me last summer! (i wrote a song bout that called 'fvcked up fourth' ill post it tomoro) id give it a 7/10 the endin is fvckin hilarious! lmao (crit my song 'delusional')

7/10???? hilarious???? please, give me a break!

[metaliq]

/gives saudade a break

Saudade, you should crit my song 'Deaf Image' because I think you are cool. :)

/doesnt care that he is plugging his nakedly crit'd song

[BassPlayinChiaPet]

your dealing with a serious subject, yet your making it as black and white as possible.

agreed. if you want to talk about something like this, talking so casually about it doesn't do the subject matter justice. and the ending really bugged me. the jokes on him? i want to have imagery, i want to have a dreary, heart-wrenching picture when i read a poem, and i got a stick-figure with a bottle and a poorly-drawn joint. keep practicing man.

[IOWNU200]

yes, i agree with what they've been saying about it needing some originality. A subject like this can do very well, but you made it sound very bland. Try throwing in a metaphor, if you do it right it should do very well. I would consider scraping the whole piece and trying to re-write it with a new attempt. Keep the same idea though, try and be subtle. Hope this helps, keep working