knew to this..

[noonecares843]

this is a poem i wrote.. im new to this so its probley not good. ill take any suggestions or whatever. i know it needs work

Don't you know

You followed us
I thought it was me
But I was wrong,
It was her.
You pretended..
No, no you lied,
To me,
And my friends,
To everyone
Everyone!.. except her.
Don’t you know?

You still follow her
Now that im gone-
You’ve gotten worse.
She’s taken.
You cant have her
You know that
But do you listen?
Can’t you stop?

You hurt me
Now your hurting others
Don’t you know?
Don’t you see?

I tried to stop you
You didn’t listen
Others tried,
But you just won’t stop
Cant you?
People are worried
About me… about you
Don’t you know?

[thirdeyeblindislit]

Wow. First off welcome to Musician Forums and the S&L community. I would like to ask you to crit more stuff before you post anything else. And also you will get more crits if you crit more. So would you please start by critiquing my song "What all things become." Thank you.

Now on to your crit. It was weird subject matter, but if it ment something to you then that's all that mattered. This was actually a pretty powerful song. I didnt really understand it, but I did get a good image of a story out of it. Nice job and keep up the good work. It wasnt that bad, and I'm not sure what can really change. If anything just put in more metaphors to make it more intrusting. Great job. 7/10.

Please dont forget to crit my song! "What all things become." Thanks
Thirdeyeblindislit :thumb:

[noonecares843]

alright i know it sounds like a creepy stocker song but its not.. i just couldnt think of a way to word it. my ex use to hang out with me and my friend and we use to think that he hung out with us because of me but well were we wrong. and long story but i just got used. and i just had so much going on in my head and i wrote this

anyway thanks for the crit

anymore?

[GreenDayLova89]

reminds me of something my friend ashley would write...also reminds me of me practically stalkin the kid i like (lmao) i like it it's kinda strange but it's good (crit my song "delusional")

[IOWNU200]

First off welcome to the forums.

I enjoyed it. The whole questions were deffinately a good idea. It would certainly send a strong message to the person if they were to read this. I think you should give it to him, it'd be effective I think. Words on paper speak loud my friend. Anyways, keep it up. And as my buddy thirdeye said, you'll probably want to take a look at some other peoples work and leave some feedback. This is the best way to earn some respect around here. You'll also get more views on your own songs. Anyways keep it up.

[thirdeyeblindislit]

alright i know it sounds like a creepy stocker song but its not.. i just couldnt think of a way to word it. my ex use to hang out with me and my friend and we use to think that he hung out with us because of me but well were we wrong. and long story but i just got used. and i just had so much going on in my head and i wrote this

anyway thanks for the crit

anymore?

I didnt mean you were a creepy stalker. :lol: If thats what you thought I said.