Insomniac Love Song

[H to the ickle]

I wrote this song really late one night (which may account for all the rhyming) about no one in particular, but I think it's pretty cool, please crit it.

Insomniac Love Song

Lying awake
Fighting for sleep
I’m out of luck
And out of sheep

Reflected from the moon
In sunlight comes
Framing your room
Where I wish I was

Somewhere sometimes someone seems
To be the only person worth being seen
Somewhere sometimes someone dreams
Of that person in which they believe
Somewhere sometimes everyone sees
Almost exactly the same thing

Mesmerized by shadows
Consumed in the light
Constant contentment
At least for one night

Complacent with speculation
Surveyed from afar
Love so complete
Without ever meeting the object thereof

Somewhere sometimes someone seems
To be the only person worth being seen
Somewhere sometimes someone dreams
Of that person in which they believe
Somewhere sometimes everyone sees
Almost exactly the same thing

Pins of light cut through the sky
A teasing look shot from your eye
Happiness consumes me and I don’t know why
Hours, days, and weeks go by
Over the horizon the sun shines
Morning comes and there am I
Without you
Alone


[Edit] I changed the ending a bit, hopefully for the better

[saudade]

Finally, a solid poem with solid rhyming. God its been ages since i've read one! Well done mate, the rhyming was great, even if the poem wasnt complex, it flowed excellently, with only a few minor problems...
Reflected from the moon seems a bit too long, syllable wise.
Without ever meeting the object thereof. Awesome line, but it definately doesnt fit in with the flow of the stanzas.
And then I wake up is a bit of a cheesy conclusion, like one of those "im being chased by a lion right now. its catching up aaahhhhhhhhh.....". Let the reader figure out whats going on rather than tell them in the end. It felt as though it needed a 2 line conclusion in the end, seperate to the stanza.

Very well done overall though! I liked it a lot

[H to the ickle]

Thanks for the crit. Keep them coming guys

[GreenDayLova89]

I didn't really get the ending but other than that i think it was good

[H to the ickle]

OH come on guys! 31 views and two crits... That's just cold.

[metaliq]

I have 100+ views and like 5 crits.

If you crit Deaf Image by me ill crit you.

I have more posts so that means you crit first.

Get crackin.

[saudade]

I have 100+ views and like 5 crits.

If you crit Deaf Image by me ill crit you.

I have more posts so that means you crit first.

Get crackin.

your a funny man mataliq, but i'd have to agree with you. respect the experienced, to reep the rewards

[metaliq]

Thanks :)

I used to have about 2000 posts, then the old community thread got deleted.

I feel like a posty mood tonight, so you will see an abundant amount of me for the time being.

[soad1789]

I enjoyed this poem for the most part except for these lines:

Consumed in the light
Constant contentment <-- alliteration with two words is something that bugs me all the time, it bugs me a lot, but it could just be me. I guess it depends on what you're aiming for and if this is intended for a song like you hinted, I find it hard to incorporate these types of phrases into a sound effectively in a way that I like.

Without ever meeting the object thereof <-- this doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the stanza, especially considering the fact that your theme is rhyming of lines with similar length. It would be tough to fit this one with the others comfortably. Sadly I can't come up with a line for you to consider, but I'm thinking the words contact, connect, disconnect, circle

These are just my opinions, if you have an idea for these parts and feel confident that they will work the way they are then by all means leave them how they are. It's a good poem as it stands, you should be proud of it.

[T'an-mo]

Excellent man I really liked this. 'Somewhere sometimes someone seems
To be the only person worth being seen' I like the orginialty of this scheme you do it's unique and works great with your song/poem.

Because the verse lines were quite short and rhymed sorta.. it made it easy for me to get the flow.

I usually don't crit alot of other peoples work because it bores me with the Clicheness.

So consider this as a good poem/song

See you at the donut shop

Ben.

[H to the ickle]

Thanks for the crits guys, I really appreciate them.

[bisnotch]

Hey, i'm knew here. This is just about the first actual piece of work i've seen. It flows, it has meaning, it obviously has a story. Everything else that people write looks like some BS dad hating cliche that they write to get attention. Thank you for not being a d0uchebag. Like people said before, there were acouple lines that didnt quite fit the flow if ya know what i mean. the first stanza about the out of sheep thing is my favorite. If there was a band i would say you would like it would be Brand New, same style as you. I really have no words of criticism for your piece. Nice work 10/10. Please give me some pointers on mine. internal disagreement.

[Flinflon]

I thoroughly enjoyed the poem. I agree with Saudade about the line where you use the word thereof. It kind of kills the flow. A very solid poem other than that. And as bisnotch said the first stanza was incredible. 9.5/10. Original and clever. Check out my post Come one, come all, and be honest. Criticize as you see fit because you clearly know what you're doing.

[GreenDayFrk88]

sucks really sucks sucks sucks sucks

[matt10lightning]

wow wtf..the wasnt really greendayfrk88 that was his gayass friend that i hate sooo ****ing much and i dont know y greendayfrk88 is friends with him...he keeps getting on his name and making gay posts sooo if you see another one like that its not true..

[GreenDayFrk88]

ya guys srry someone ("my friend") somehow got into my account and started posting retarded crits. He critted my own song "Leavin Home" and now he critted urs. I need to change my password but dont worry it wont happen again

[BalO]

way to much to read thats why you don´t get any crit*..

[metaliq]

BalO, you shouldnt be here.

If you dont know how to read 7 stanzas (his song is average sized) then you must not be very good at life.

That was the worst excuse ever. Quit now, while he still have the opportunity to end your life.

[H to the ickle]

Thanks for the crits guys, once I find your posts I'll crit them as well.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Good job, I like this piece. It flows well but "thereof" kills it, fix that. Other than that, a good song. Nothing else that I would change, the intro was good I like the metaphor. 9/10

PS Could you crit my song, Father Monty, I'd appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=306082

Thanks!