Inamorata - Trying to get back into this

[Dancin' Man]

Inamorata

Coalesce the juxtaposed
Tether down the truth
Beat her till she speaks no lies
Then kiss her on the mouth

I will not forget the times we spent
Though I have not seen you since
It seems I am abandoned
Is it true? Have you been unfaithful?

I'll keep you locked away
In a safe place
Heavy lock on a leaden door
You’re always in my mind
My dreams
Will never leave me

I cannot remember forever
Your touch or face or company
I cannot recreate this
I am shut off and discontinued

I'll keep you locked away
In a safe place
Heavy lock on a leaden door
You’re always in my mind
My dreams
Will never leave me

Automatic reconnaissance
Synapse is non functional
disrupted communications
Inamorata is priority



It's been a long time since I wrote anything. Still, just like back in the day, a crit for a crit.

[GreenDayLova89]

id give it a 9/10 it was good but i have no clue what juxtaposed and some other word meant...

[i_mine_cor]

Wow. This was good, although the vocab was a bit esoteric. hmm, kind of a weird love hate thing in the first stanza, with you beating her, but the song goes on to she's controlling you. The final stanza gives some effective though weird imagery and language. The chorus is good, "leaden" in particular stands out; I really like that word in there. The stanza in between the choruses seems to conflict with what they say... but whatever you wanted. As long as it isn't some filler, thrown in for fun. Anyway, pretty consistent good writing, I wouldn't mess with the intro, it's nice to see something that makes me think more than usual, I had to look up inamorata (after looking it up the word makes a lot of sense...) and the last stanza is refreshing. This was sweet. 7/10. My stuff has sunk back into the deep recesses of the site so if you want to read it "sunsets and swingsets" is the most recent. Thanks

[Dancin' Man]

Bump. If you want you'rs critted, you've got to leave a link. The search function is dead at the moment so I can't go and find your things on my own.

IMC - Thanks for the input.

[i_mine_cor]

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6722749#post6722749
There you go. Crit away, friend.

[Dancin' Man]

Bump.

PS hope you liked my crit.