Con

[factor46]

Con

Pretending to hide my face from you, I held my hands over my eyelids,
But really I could still see you, as I left a gap between my fingers.
A traditionally overused method to peek at and hear what we’re not supposed to.
Sometimes it’s alright to go the traditional route though, when no one notices.
So I'll once again act as if I'm busy, as I write down words that really aren’t words, more like scribbles,
While you continue to inadvertently tell me exactly what I need to know.
You might as well remove my hands and put your face in mine, and yell to me your words,
But because I know you won’t, I'll conveniently remain hidden behind my palms.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Not the best song I've done, but please crit anyways.
:D

[ChickenSalad]

Con

Pretending to hide my face from you, I held my hands over my eyelids,
But really I could still see you, as I left a gap between my fingers.
A traditionally overused method to peek at and hear what we’re not supposed to.
Sometimes it’s alright to go the traditional route though, when no one notices.
So I'll once again act as if I'm busy, as I write down words that really aren’t words, more like scribbles,
While you continue to inadvertently tell me exactly what I need to know.
You might as well remove my hands and put your face in mine, and yell to me your words,
But because I know you won’t, I'll conveniently remain hidden behind my palms.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Not the best song I've done, but please crit anyways.
:D


Didnt read like a song. More of a poem. Not errific to be honest, but I found the message and the tone it was delivered in to be apt. A decent effort, too short tho. 6/10

[upthebracket]

Well there were a lot of syllabells in there... some of the lines/phrases seem unusable in a song

A traditionally overused method

I would normally think of rewording this kinda thing, but it works within the song.

It's a very interesting song though. I like the style and the idea, but it would be difficult to fit to music. Then again, I can't find anything more to criticise from it, so as long as you can fit it to music, this will be a good piece. reads like a spoken word song almost, so I'd imagine that's the direction you're headed...

I'd give an 8/10.

[saudade]

I like reading poems that are more like stories and dont rhyme. This was ok, but with these types of poems, in order to make them strong, you need a very strong conclusion which may or may not reveal a twist or sudden, un-expected meaning. This one just ended by you saying that he'll just remain hidden beneath his palms. I rekon thats a pretty weak conclusion. Try to make it a bit longer so that you have more time to reveal your meaning

[factor46]

alright. thanks guys. :D