Lost Reality(crit for crit)

[AshesOfHate]

Okay i dont know how good this is....i was really tiered and messed up so bare with me

Lost Reality

I am lost in this time frame
all shatters to glass
Your voice guides me,through my pain
a pain that will never last

I thought I could pass my dreams
on go on to reality.
I need guidance through this pain
and light in my life

My mind is ever moving
thinking of a way out
sending false senses to my brain
and making me insane

This lost reality
is warping my mind
flashing visions of the un-true

We have no reason to cry
no reason to die
no reason to live
we are pawns in a game of chess
and we are the losers

We have no way out
anyway we end up dead.

[GreenDayLova89]

id give it a 7/10 i liked the beginnin but by the end i lost interest in it. (crit my song 'delusional')

[DrownedThought]

"I am lost in this time frame
all shatters to glass
Your voice guides me,through my pain
a pain that will never last

I thought I could pass my dreams
on go on to reality.
I need guidance through this pain
and light in my life"

This is good no need to change it.

"My mind is ever moving
thinking of a way out
sending false senses to my brain
and making me insane"

Insane doesnt belong there why? Well it just doesnt fit in with the song. The way you wrote the begining was great because you hardly ryhmed a line. Then you throw a ryhme at us. Try to fine something else for it.

"This lost reality
is warping my mind
flashing visions of the un-true

We have no reason to cry
no reason to die
no reason to live
we are pawns in a game of chess
and we are the losers

We have no way out
anyway we end up dead."

This whole part just throw it out and rewrite it. It's horrible and messes up the songs flow...
--------------------------------
Its good for the beginning and if you dont stray away from what you wrote in the begining it would be ALOT better. 6/10.

[wrongnote85]

I agree, I'd give it about a 6.5/10. Like they both said, the beginning is awesome, but around the middle it takes a dive. Keep it up with the stream of consciousness vibe that's at the start and you'll likely have something pretty cool.

Check out my "this isn't done..."

[BabyKiller]

I thought it was good. I saw a lot of personal emotion put in it. Couldn't grasp the theme of it, but all in all a good song. I'd like to hear it put to music. Good work.

Could you crit my song, "Gentile (Alienated Remix)." Thanks man.

[AshesOfHate]

Thanks

[GreenDayFrk88]

Ya i liked it but it does need some changing.. I see this a lot with people even myself. We start out strong, but then start plummeting from there.. It was pretty good but not the best I've seen 7/10