Home Made IV (working title)

[maggotfelon]

silence left here in your sorrow burning for tomorrow
winds of yesterday fanning the slowly blackened flames
change will never come your mind is rotted out and numb
to the spirit that's deceased and a body you can't keep

sit quietly in the mold of your grave
subjected to the flames - injected in the veins
sit passively in the hold of your hate
rejected once again - your slowly wearing thin

i don't understand the way that you think
and I just can't get inside you
can't manifest this thought of which
beckons you to kill yourself
suffering for peace is no way
to get yourself through any day
i just don't understand the way you think
and I wouldn't wanna be inside you

nothing's left for you
broken and abused
bleeding, crying, bruised
corner of the room
sinking in on you
mutilating truth
blinding, binding you
blurred vision askew

chimera needle fuse
death head injection tube
life so undervalued
nothing's left for you




That's what I've got so far. Of course 90% of my stuff is unfinished. So what you guy's think eh? Of course it's metal. Probable like American Head Charge/Slipknot stuff.

[maggotfelon]

come on motherfvckers

[ABulldog]

Don't swear at me. I am having an emotional day dammit.

[ABulldog]

I can't get the lid off the jelly jar..


















I can't just eat peanut butter on toast.























****, it's tearing me apart.

[ABulldog]

The third line in the first verse needs to be re-worded.

The last line in the third verse too.

The last two verses sound like they would make a cool break verse. Something that the old Sepultura use to do.

It doesn't have a definate flow, but that is what makes it so good. I think the second verse would do well as the chorus, real well actually, It flows the best and makes for a catchy verse. I would add on to the first verse, or make a smaller extention of it to extend the song before the chorus.

Good work. I hate you now, cause I haven't been able to write much good **** lately, and you keep pumping them out.

[maggotfelon]

i like the title alot, but the piece itself was a little underwhelming. i suppose this style works well for the style of music, but i would've liked to see more complete thoughts instead of a series of one liners. i got all kinds of cool images of a home made IV on my own, but i didn't really see that much specific imagery in the writing about a home made IV. language just wasn't specific enough for me. so, blame it on personal taste. im sure this will work well for your chosen genre, but i couldn't get into it. that said, i liked the last stanza the best because it seemed like it had the most to do with the title, which again i have to say is very kickass.

Cool, I thought it was an awesome title to. The song was formed before the title, I only made a title so I could post it. The song is about heroin, and I had been hooked to an IV recently so I thought of shooting up heroin at home with an IV. Nice.... slow.... drip.... drip... drip..... I can understand the one-liners/full thought comment to. I definately think it needs improvement. Not a lot of imagery. Thanks a bunch for the input.

I might take the 2nd and last verses and stick to the Home Made IV theme and rework the rest as a seperate song about shooting up.

And ABulldog, comparing to Sepultura is fvcking ridiculous and I love you for it mofo. I keep churning em out but I don't like em, so it's good other people do. I've been like just reading demon articles and wicca articles and weird **** just to get ideas for songs and sh.it. Maybe try that shizz.

[ABulldog]

Yeah I'll do that. Good reading couldn't hurt. Do you have any suggestions?

[maggotfelon]

Poetry is always good to read to kickstart the imagination. Anything that you enjoy really.

[maggotfelon]

..................

[maggotfelon]

okay... 2 crits.

[bassaholica2004]

I think the first 2 parts are some of the best you've written, but the rest is underpar. Its good, but I know you've written better. I can't tell you how to make it better, because I'm not exactly sure why I don't like it, but it just doesn't carry the darkness and claustrophobic feeling I love getting from reading your stuff. The first 2 parts though, ace stuff. 7/10

[maggotfelon]

Thanks for the crit Mr. Aholica.

[bassaholica2004]

Just in case you don't know, your avatar is all distorted. :thumb:

[maggotfelon]

Yeah, I shrunk it down in like paint... so.....

[bassaholica2004]

No I mean the colors are all ****ed up. A lot of people's avatars got all distorted like this after the crash thing we had. To fix it, reload it into your profile.

[maggotfelon]

Huh. It looks fine to me. I don't have it anymore anyway... and I'm ridiculously lazy.