this isn't done, but tell me what you think...

[wrongnote85]

Looking back from the hill
I see what they've left me
Family,town, the life I've known
Somewhere in the debre

From the fire I hear the cries
of agonizing death
And through the smoke I see death's hand
has left me by myself

chours
Follow the instructions
do just as your told
you are under my watch now
your soul I call my own

I am in control

Is this just a dream
a night ive gone insane
Or has nightare turned to judgement day
and verdicts all the same

through fire and hell i've sodiered on
land told of me and none
and now with dying breath
I see what what this pawn has done

the papers all lie torn and burnt
to make this hell for real
"Mass Extermination: sign here"
all bear my seal

Nactious and crucicating
the rain falls from the sky
cities,hill,and countryside
all turn into stie

Atmosphere of perfect blue
now stares at you in red
burns deep into you eyes
chars thoughts in your head


Like I said, not done but a rough idea. lemme know

[jameschez]

'Looking back from the hill
I see what they've left me
Family,town, the life I've known
Somewhere in the debre

From the fire I hear the cries
of agonizing death
And through the smoke I see death's hand
has left me by myself

chours
Follow the instructions
do just as your told
you are under my watch now
your soul I call my own'

This reminds me of an XBOX game called Fable! lol...is that where you got the idea from??

'all turn into stie'

Im pretty sure thats in a blacksabbath song!

Its a good song with a strong structure and internal rhym.

7/10

crit mine 'falling to hell'

[wrongnote85]

Nah man, I've never even really played an Xbox! I got the idea from sitting on top of a hill the other day looking over the town I live in and wondered what it would be like if it was all gone. Then I kinda played with it, which I am still doing, and made a little story out of it. Thanks for the crit. I'll check out yours man.

BTW, is it in Electric funeral?

[metaliq]

I think: You should finish it before I spend unreplenishable time on telling you what I think of something that isnt even done.

/authority alot

[wrongnote85]

Well you would think the thread title woulda tipped you off man.

[metaliq]

It did, I knew it coming in here.

Next time I wont tell you how to get feedback if that is what you want.

Jeesh, you dont have to be a jerk about it... :(

[wrongnote85]

I think: You should finish it before I spend unreplenishable time on telling you what I think of something that isnt even done.

/authority alot


Come on man, it says in the thread that it's not done, so if you don't want to waste your time on it you don't have to. That's why I put it there. It is a revised rough draft like you would do in school man, and when you do one of those in school you usually have a peer critique. That's all I'm asking for so I can write my final draft. My tame response is simply stating this. However, your comment above does come across rather rude, and offers no advice, persay, about how to get critiques. I'm not trying to pick a fight, just saying that it's in the title on purpose.

[jameschez]

BTW, is it in Electric funeral?[/QUOTE]

Yeah i think it is...

[megan bacon]

to wrong note 85, don't worry about metaliq, he did that to me. i posted two songs at once (which i sed in the thread title) and he replied saying "you're not allowed........."

to metaliq, i'm not having a go, but wrongnote has a good point. if you don't agree with the way a song is posted, just ignore it, rather than dtart stupid, poiuntless arguments that get nobody anywhere.

so shallw e all agree to disagree then?

[megan bacon]

*start*
*pointless*
*shall we all*

sorry bout that.
neways, wrongnote85, i liked those lyrics very much. reminded me of the mars volta alot. very effective use of conversation like verses. i like the simplicity of i'm in control, and the contrast of that to when you question if you are in control. all in all, i like!

[metaliq]

Okay, here is the bottom line: I will/would critique it if you were to finish it.

I wont right now though. Because it isnt finished.

/end scene

[wrongnote85]

Okay, here is the bottom line: I will/would critique it if you were to finish it.

I wont right now though. Because it isnt finished.

/end scene

Well dude, I have been working on it, so I will repost soon. But for now if you would like to add some constructive critizism to help out, that would be much appreicated.

Thanks

[nightshade2600]

good lyrics... i like the rough idea of it... fill it out with a little better word choice and stuff. pick up a thesarus at the store, they help a lot... ill watch for the finished version and give that an in depth crit...

[dadistance]

I like it..for me personally it kind of reflects the present time quite well....good job 8/10

[wrongnote85]

I think I'm having troubel getting the "story" or theme or whatever accross. What is your interpretation of it?

[metaliq]

"cities,hill,and countryside
all turn into stie"

Eww, stie isnt a good word in my opinion.

I didnt like the flow/structure... I am used to reading more 'flowery' (flow er eee) styles... so the whole choppiness of 4 line stanzas did not do it for me, let alone the ABAB rhyming... the AABA was alright though...

It just seemed like a bunch of forced rhyming and partially finished thoughts, to me at least.

I would suggest not trying to keep a rhyming scheme, and just let whatever word fits, well, fit.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=289897 Take a look at that please.

[saudade]

from what i gathered, the begininng seemed to establish the thought that you are the victim of a crime that you despise. the story carried this message throughout, but did not conclude on any solid basis, which is a kind of anti-climax. You just finished saying what you did in the beginning, which is that you cant believe your eyes, that this is all bad, blah blah blah. I agree with metaliq, that the rhyming seems forced, but i guess thats hard when your doing the ABCB rhyming sceme. Good idea, just not finished well.

[wrongnote85]

thanks for the crit. the ryhming really wasn't forced, although i did natrurally ahve to think about some of it. but for the most part a lot of it just came out. i'm taking in what you guys are saying, and working pretty hard on it. i think i came up with some riffs and a structure that will fit the lyrics today, so we will see how that works out. thanks a lot and keep em' coming!

[shadeddakotabassist]

Is this just a dream
a night ive gone insane
Or has nightare turned to judgement day
and verdicts all the same

it seems to me like this part should just end "to judgement day" like that's the fourth line. the way you have it, it just seems to me like the line carried on too long. I really like the acbc rhyming in the end. could you try doing that throughout? that's all I can think of to say right now. finish it and I'll see if I can give a better crit. good song so far though 8.5/10

[bisnotch]

well, like you said, it isnt finished. But rhythm and flow wise its good. I am just having trouble seeing what it is about. I can't get a grasp of what you are writing about. The one thing i dont like is the one line i am in control now. i just think it should be plugged in somewhere instead of being all alone. Also, you need to come over with an ending. While revising i would suggest trying to make it more clear and blatant at what you are trying to get at. It has some strong points but i just think its unclear. Maybe its just me. I shall give you a 6/10, 1. because its not finished,2. its a little vague, 3. some of the lines seem forced.
All criticisms aside, i think it has potential. I would like to see a revised draft. Thanks for the post. Keep up the good work.