Tinder Wall

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

still editing...

Ben Stivers
2/20/05

Tinder Wall

Today the sky showed us it's darker side
As a somber procession drove through the traffic lights.
If only the good didn't die so young,
A town shouldn't have to mourn it's shining sun.

Beneath the open arms of a statue's cover,
They placed her ashes six feet under.
A burning question floated among the crowd.
It was, what do we do now...?

Do we just let her go?

I saw a glowing lighter.
I watched the canvas catch fire.
I watched a gallery become a tinder wall.
And I watched the pillars fall...
I saw you try to run,
Your breath poured out,
Like a smoking gun.
Then the walls collapsed,
And as you disappeared,
I was choking on my poisoned tears.

[saudade]

Today the sky showed us it's darker side
As a somber procession drove through the traffic lights.
If only the good didn't die so young,
A town shouldn't have to mourn it's shining sun.

Nice introduction, reveals the situation to the reader quickly. i like the way you used one negative word in each line. darker, sombre, die, mourn it flows very well, except for the beginning of the second line. if you want, try to see how it flows without the "as". maybe :confused:

The line led us into the headstone court,
Where we dropped her ashes into the ground.
The burning question among the crowd,
Was what do we do now... just let go?

I'm not sure why i feel un-easy about the word "line" in the first sentence. It feels as though it needs to have a "person" word, like people, crowd etc. This second stanza has a broken flow for me. i know people have told me that it doesnt have to rhyme in the same style for the whole poem, but i rekon that its better if it does. i think it definately breaks the flow. so in this stanza i rekon it would be beneficial to rhyme in the style you did in the 1st stanza

I saw a glowing lighter.
I watched the canvas catch fire,
I watched a gallery become a tinder wall,
I watched the pillars fall...
I saw you try to run,
Your breath like a smoking gun.
I saw it all, I saw it all, I saw it all.

The first time i read it it didnt sound right, cos i read it slowly. there was half rhyme, and half non-rhyme. the length of each line troubled me also at first, but then i read it faster afterward, and its alright. the jumping from short to long sentences makes sense.

overall, if you could fix that rhyming up, i rekon it would be cool. i've read a lot of your stuff, and i like it heaps, but this isnt the best. show me the end product when your done

[i_mine_cor]

Very nice first line, nice usage of "ashes... burning question" in the second stanza. I'm not quite sure of the final stanza, I like the shift in thought and setting but do the pictures represent her life, her memories, or memories of her? It shouldn't be spelled out for everyone, it would be fine left how it is but maybe a clarifying line could be added somewhere. Nice work.

[ABulldog]

Is this a re-post. It says 04.

It was good but the second line in the first verse had some flow problems for me.

[bisnotch]

Hey, i saw your post on my thread, internal disagreement. i couldnt quite tell if it was sarcasm or honesty. either way i would appreciate if you left a little more input. I liked this piece. It gave a kind of pieceful portrayal of death, which is something a lot of these people can't do. They think that everything is about "FVCKING DYING" or "FVCKING KILLING" thank you for keeping it tame and bearable. you have some real talent. i took the time to look at your website. Please crit mine. internal disagreement

[Sloth]

Everytime I get on this forum, I look for anything written by you... this forum has gone to ****, and your writing is quite "refreshing" to say the least...
props APS

[dadistance]

as you torn apart my piece of work, I had to take a look on something you've done..
so let's take a look:

Today the sky showed us it's darker side
As a somber procession drove through the traffic lights.
If only the good didn't die so young,
A town shouldn't have to mourn it's shining sun.

nice personification at the beginning, but the "it's" you mean is written "its", than I
liked that you transformed and questioned the saying "the good die young"



The line led us into the headstone court,
Where we dropped her ashes into the ground.
The burning question among the crowd,
Was what do we do now... just let go?

a further good verse.. makes the reader think about it

I saw a glowing lighter.
I watched the canvas catch fire,
I watched a gallery become a tinder wall,
I watched the pillars fall...
I saw you try to run,
Your breath like a smoking gun.
I saw it all, I saw it all, I saw it all.


much rhetorical devices, perhaps exaggerated use of anaphoras, but still ok, nice comparrison with the smoking gun, last line also ok..not very imaginative but here it fits into the context..well done all in all

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I like this piece, the use of imagery and metaphors really captures my attention. Although the last line of the second stanza, "Was what do we do now...just let it go?", I didn't quite lke that line. I don't know how you can change it, it just didn't sit well with me. Other than that, great job. 8.5/10

PS Could you crit my song, Father Monty, I'd greatly appreciate it.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=306082

Thanks again. Keep up the good work!

[IOWNU200]

In return of all the good detailed crits you've given me in the past i'm going to get you one here. I'll do i tomarrow, I have alot of math homework still to do tonight :(. I did like this though.

[IOWNU200]

Today the sky showed us it's darker side
As a somber procession drove through the traffic lights.
If only the good didn't die so young,
A town shouldn't have to mourn it's shining sun.

I love the first line. It really gives a good start. It kind of kicks you right into the piece.
The rest of the stanza followed it up pretty well, but I would consider changing the adjective "shining" in the last line. I personally just don't think it's that good, and I know you could probably come up with something better. I like how you kind of look into the old cliche the good die young. Kind of a cool idea.

Beneath the open arms of a statue's cover,
They place her ashes six feet under.
A burning question floated among the crowd.
It was, what do we do now...?

This was pretty good as well, but I would consider changing the last line. Either completely reword it or just take off the "it was" at the beginning of it. The way it is now seems like a mouth full of w's. I like "burning question", nice imagery there.

Are we just supposed to let go?

If this line is singled out in your music you're going to have to play with it. Try and really build up to it and completely exaggerate it. Otherwise one liners normally don't stand well in my opinion.

I saw a glowing lighter.
I watched the canvas catch fire.
I watched a gallery become a tinder wall.
And I watched the pillars fall...
I saw you try to run,
Your breath poured out,
Like out of a smoking gun.
Then the walls collapsed,
And as you disappeared,
I choking on my poisoned tears.

This was a really good ending. Showed some good emotion, which i think sometimes is absent from your work. The writing quality didn't step down at all either. This was a very good stanza. My only problem would be the two "outs" so close together in there. Maybe try and substitute one of them.

Overall though, I really enjoyed this. and thanks for the crit on my piece the other day, i truly do appreciate it. I'm going to post up a new one here in a minute and I'd like for you to take a look for me.

[H to the ickle]

I enjoyed reading this. The song has great visual images and even better use of metaphor. If it isn't finished, finish it, its got the making to be awesome. 9/10

[i_mine_cor]

I think I liked the second stanza better before. And maybe that second 'out' at the end could be a 'from'.