" In The Dark"

[spiralout13]

In The Dark

fade away,
wait to lay away
this curse that has cursed you
in the dark,
wait for him to take you away,
but you know he's not coming
to rescue you
from this darkend life you have

lay away
mabye some other day
you'll leave this darkend life you have
and leave this curse,
this curse that has cursed you and me

and when he takes you away,
remember this day.
this day you left me
without me,
your nothing more than an empty hole
in this void,
the void of this darkness

lay away
mabye some other day
you'll leave this darkend life you have
and leave this curse,
this curse that has cursed you and me.

please crit. it. thanx

[gardnerville gangsta]

In The Dark

fade away,
wait to lay away
this curse that has cursed you
in the dark,
wait for him to take you away,
but you know he's not coming
to rescue you
from this darkend life you have

lay away?...no...the curse tht has cursed you?...no...change on of the curs(ed)...not to great...4/10

lay away
mabye some other day
you'll leave this darkend life you have
and leave this curse,
this curse that has cursed you and me

not...different words for cures, and i still dont like this lay away bisness...are u at wal mart? 4/10

and when he takes you away,
remember this day.
this day you left me
without me,
your nothing more than an empty hole
in this void,
the void of this darkness

i dont like this hole darkness thing...its sounds lame...bad vibe too...5/10

lay away
mabye some other day
you'll leave this darkend life you have
and leave this curse,
this curse that has cursed you and me.

still...no...again...no

please crit. it. thanx

im not fealing it...it sounds like a first song...if it is your first song then good try keep at it...if its not then u get this rating...4.5/10

[gardnerville gangsta]

check out my song please...http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6732606#post6732606

[spiralout13]

im not fealing it...it sounds like a first song...if it is your first song then good try keep at it...if its not then u get this rating...4.5/10


It Is my first song

[gardnerville gangsta]

ok...well keep at it...you show promis...you will get better...i swear

[i_mine_cor]

Change the "curse that has cursed" lines, add a story to it or a moral. What you have is a whole song of filler with no actual substance in there. It'd be ok if you had a cool chorus or something, but just talking about darkness and curses doesn't do a whole lot. Like he said, you'll get better. And don't wait to get inspired, just keep writing, constantly. Catch ya later.