Freedom (yes, Eleventeen wrote a ****ing love song)

[clayman112388]

Never could I be so foolish
To let you call me as your own
How could I be so selfish?
As to barricade myself in your own

In your sight I'm torn apart
This union has been ripped to shreds
Lunge your claws into my heart
And pull apart my bleeding soul

They say that the world is changing - for good
But mine has been flipped upside down

Imagine a knew reality
Where I could finally be free
From what was your cold dead grip
Well here I am in disbelief

They say that the world is changing - for good
But mine has been flipped upside down

No purpose, nor sorrow
From me will be shed on you
Already, you are gone
And I'm left without a cure

To rid the disease
Would be hopeless now
So we wallow in our endless dance
Picking away, the leaches suck for life

[IOWNU200]

Never could I be so foolish
To let you call me as your own
Never could I be so selfish
As to barricade myself in your own

This is alright, but the last line seems a little eh. You don't explain it enough. What do you mean, barricade yourself in her own? I just don't get what you mean by that.

In your sight I'm torn apart
This union has been ripped to shreds
Lunge your fist into my flesh
And tear out my beating hurt

Egh, this seems pretty unoriginal/uninspired. You want to put something in that will make it stand out as unique. Otherwise you'll get lost in the crowd. Make people remember it, personalize it maybe.

They say that the world is changing
But mine has been flipped upside down

what do you mean "but" the world is changing yours just doesn't happen to be for the good. Just a theory issue there. You may want to fix that, but i can see this being very catchy in song form.

Imagine a false reality
Where I could finally be free
From your cold dead grip
Here I am in disbelief

I think the first two lines could work, but i don't like the adjectives "cold" and "dead" you could probably find a one word substitute that would be mnroe descriptive. The last line could be changed too, it's not really doing much.


No purpose, nor sorrow
From me will be shed on you
Already, your gone
And I'm left without a cure

I like the last two lines alot. Maybe you should re-write the first two to help support your metaphor and talk about the disease, once again, if you need a cure, you may experience some sorrow, another little theory error.

THis could use some work, touch it up here and there and you could have a decent song. Good work

[clayman112388]

I fixed the things that I realized were sloppy, as for the last part, No purpos, nor sorrow.... that is supposed to be a metaphor about her being dead to me, blah, I'm kinda cheesey.

[bink182]

i think you could improve on youse the same4 number of sylbol on each line that will make it alot more cathsy but other than that it is good 8/10

[bink182]

sorry for the speling erros

[heartfeltapology1]

what kind of music is this gonna go to? jw. i like it-
XOXO lixxx
liz