Plastic Jesus

[peppercornrent]

This is pretty recent, last week. Any thoughts & opinions are welcome, I feel it possibly needs honing a little.

Ta,

CJ

Plastic Jesus

I’m tired now,
Two hours sixteen minutes on the phone –
And not an answer here in view
We tread the same tracks
Why you’re hurt and why I’m cruel; ball-aching
Like we always do

I’ve got two hundred sixteen miles left to go
I’m red-eyed, bleary, not much more to say
I’m not the fool you claim I am – I’m driving back to you
Plastic Jesus don’t you fail me now
Jesus don’t you fail me now

I was home late,
Sixteen missed calls flashing on the phone –
All of them from you.
It’s getting harder now
I’m running through my mind all that we said
And all the lies you put me through

I’ve got one hundred sixteen miles left to go
I’m red-eyed, bleary, not much more to say
I’m not the fool you claim I am – I’m driving back to you
Plastic Jesus don’t you fail me now
Jesus don’t you fail me now

Radio up loud,
Songs of leaving home and going home.
When you shouldn’t leave home in the first place.
The window's down,
I’ve got a Plastic Jesus waltzing from the mirror
Just to keep me awake

I’ve got only sixteen miles left to go
I’m red-eyed, bleary, nothing more to say
I’m not the fool you claim I am – I’m driving back to you
Plastic Jesus don’t you fail me now
Jesus don’t you fail me now

[UnDeRoAtHfAn777]

Hello, first critique in a good month for me.
I’m tired now,
Two hours sixteen minutes on the phone –
And not an answer here in view
We tread the same tracks
Why you’re hurt and why I’m cruel; ball-aching
Like we always do
Well, not the strongest of openings; nothing really right or wrong here
I’ve got two hundred sixteen miles left to go
I’m red-eyed, bleary, not much more to say
I’m not the fool you claim I am – I’m driving back to you
Plastic Jesus don’t you fail me now
Jesus don’t you fail me now
I like this; good imagery and I like the plastic jesus line
I was home late,
Sixteen missed calls flashing on the phone –
All of them from you.
It’s getting harder now
I’m running through my mind all that we said
And all the lies you put me through
Same as the first verse, just nothing really outstanding
Radio up loud,
Songs of leaving home and going home.
When you shouldn’t leave home in the first place.
The window's down,
I’ve got a Plastic Jesus waltzing from the mirror
Just to keep me awake
I would switch the order so that "going home" comes before "leaving home" that way more emphasis is put on the leaving part; this is probably my favorite verse

Some weak verses in this song but I enjoyed the last one and the chorus(I am assuming the repeated part was the chorus) Not outstanding but not too bad. 7/10

[clayman112388]

Well this is one of the best MX love songs I've read, I like the metaphor, and I enjoy the repeating 16.

Overall, the only line I don't like is the very last.

8/10

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=305003

[IOWNU200]

Man, I'm a fan. I can definately see this song making money. You really did a good job on this. I would suggest changing the "ball-aching" imagery though, it might get taken the wrong way if you know what i'm saying, but I really loved the metaphors you used, the repeating sixteen, and i just really liked hte style you used, good work on this

[Corupt2057]

sorry can't say more but I totally agree with IOWNU200 on everything he said
except I think the first verse or 5 lines whatever you wanna call it need to be re-worked

[maggotfelon]

"Radio up loud,
Songs of leaving home and going home.
When you shouldn’t leave home in the first place.
The window's down,
I’ve got a Plastic Jesus waltzing from the mirror
Just to keep me awake"

-- I didn't like this part at all. Not sure quite why, just didn't.

I also thought the opening verse was weak and should be reworked. Otherwise I like the metaphors and repeating 16 and... well you've heard it already.

Check out my song "Mask of Purity" when you get the chance. It would be appreciated.

[NirvanaDude]

yeah thats wicked and i can really see that becoming a hit

[MemoryMachine]

*coughFlamingLipscoughcough*

What was that?