Without you

[MidnightStars16]

Im not so sure what people will think of this one so please leave your suggestions.



Tearing the picture into pieces
Trying so hard to forget all of you
Watching as the glass falls and shatters
Im so caught up in our lost emotion
I feel the pieces penetrate my body
Trying to run but I leave a bloody trail
The faster I try to hide the more blood runs out of my body
Fall asleep now and forget your image
The impression of you still reflects in the mirror
As I think harder I seem to collapse
My fingers have become numb and my lips a shade of blue
I slowly let the memories run throughout my head
Relieving myself of you for one last time
The blood still running out of my body
My mind seems to be unconscious of where I am
Lost in all the recollections of our once in depth love
I shriek in pain and try to yell your name
But it comes out only a whisper
This seems to be the bitter end
The door to my memories of you has been shut
And all my ill-willed thoughts are demised
In my final thoughts I have
I can only think of you and our now lifeless inclination

[TheBlackAcidChildren]

Let me start by saying it's good. There are some pretty good images here. I have a few pointers.

This seems like it's trying to be too intellectual. Almost like you're using words like "inclination" for the sake of using them. It's also a bit of a clunky word to finish with.
Again, the theme is something that's far too overdone. But then again, anything that displays emotion is far too overdone.
Try adding some punctuation? I know it all seems to come out in a rush but it's a pain to read. Punctuation would somehow make it seem more mature and would break the flow a little. Breaking the flow in this case is a good thing - twenty-four lines of continuous flow tends to get a little tiresome.

My main problem is with the last few lines.
A) I don't think "demised" is a word.
B) If the "door to my memories of you has been shut" then how come the last line is "I can only think of you"?

Otherwise it seems to be a good piece.

[NarrowDoctor]

He can think of her but doesn't remember her image or whatever, after all its a poetry not prove,....

Good work here I must say some portrails are so excellent

image reflect in mirrors
And the bloody trail thats gives another dimension to the taste of the piece...
Also the feelings are well expressed, I really have nothing to critque here everything is so good

But somehow not everything is perfect and you get a 9

[MidnightStars16]

The end of existence or activity-demised
It is a word.

[always934]

this one was good. i read one of your old ones and this one is better. its longer and its more detailed

[/QUOTE]Relieving myself of you for one last time
The blood still running out of my body
My mind seems to be unconscious of where I am
Lost in all the recollections of our once in depth love
I shriek in pain and try to yell your name
^i really liked this part

all around good job.

p.s. Demise is DEFINITELY a word

[gardnerville gangsta]

ok...ummm...first off...ill give you my rating..2/10...ok...that was dumb...i really dont want to hear about you cutting yourself because your girlfriend left you and you dont want to think about her...if you dont want to think about her then dont, dont write a song dumbass...check mine out...http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=6732606#post6732606

[MidnightStars16]

ok think what you want.

[i_mine_cor]

I would replace the second 'blood' with 'it' since that avoids repitition and still gives the message. Also, that line doesn't have superb flow. You might do something more creative... I don't know if you can be 'unconscious of' something, that seemed weird, it may or may not be correct. Also, demise is usually a noun but that may or may not be correct as used. Nice work with the blue-ish lips and the whisper. And thanks for not taking that other guy seriously and starting a fight. Maturity is appreciated.

[IOWNU200]

I deffinately like this. You write about your emotions, don't let any fools try and tell you what subjects you can and can't write about. You wrote about what you were feeling and I can deffinately dig this. There was some really good imagery in there. It got better towards the end I think. I think you may have overplayed the blood imagery in the beggining, you may want to space it out a little more throughtout the piece.

Lost in all the recollections of our once in depth love

I really liked this line alot. It kind of touches me a bit in my own mind. I love it.

Anyways good work, and nice to see you around here :)

[thirdeyeblindislit]

First off welcome to musician forums. My buddy IOWNU is dam*n right. Dont let anybody tell you what to right about or how to right it. And I dido whoever said thank you for not starting a fight with that guy. We try to ignore dips like that. Anyway, this was actually a very good song. I have been seeing alot of good songs lately. But seriously, it is how you feel and that is the most important of all. Great job and keep it up. And dont judge us on a$$holes like that. We are mostly nice. You get a 8.5/10. Keep it up. :thumb:

P.S- Can you please crit my song called "What all things become." Thanks